stories of some bad ass girl

l blah l theGirl l rants l oldStuff l linkies l

Welcome to my blog.
If you have this url, you're prolly one of the chosen ones.

By reading my blog, you agree to:
Have fun reading it.
Comment only if you must.
Bear with my randomness.
Not be judgemental. Not towards me at least.

• I made no apology this time

I admit, I was stupid and acted very.. childish that night. I don't know what's got into me, but I was really upset. Well, maybe I know why. I was jealous. Because I like you.

There. I said it.

I know I shouldn't feel that way because you're a good friend. To be honest and not to be rude, I do not like having this feeling for you. I've been fighting it. I've been denying it. I don't like liking you. Not this much. Not more than just a friend. I thought I could be your friend and nothing more. I guess I couldn't. There are things in life that we cannot control, and feeling is one of them.

YES I know I had no reason to act the way I acted. Dealing with a fucking 19 year old kid got me acting like a 12 yr old. How embarassing. I let it get to me. I made a fool of myself. But I will not make any apology to you, nor to her. She's not my friend, I don't owe her anything.

But you, you are my friend. Or so I thought you were. I was angry with YOU. It's NOT because I have feelings for you that I was that upset. But because I thought we were friends. Friends take care of each other. The least you could do was following me home. Instead, you left. What did I say when I took you home the other night? Didn't I say, you wouldn't do the same if I were the one who needed a ride? I was totally right. And ya know.. I don't deserve this. You don't deserve my friendship. You don't deserve me. You fucking left me. So what if I told you to leave? Girls don't say what they really want to say. I am YOUR friend, you should know me better. I take care of you and this is what I got? Fuck you dude. Fuck you.

Don't bother to call me again. Just say nothing, like you always do. You're good at it. You don't talk, you pretend stuff never happens. That's you. So, don't start like you want to listen and talk now. I am fine, and I got home safe -- if that's what you wanted to know. Amazing how you waited 2 days to see if I got home safe, -- why even bother?

Anyways, please don't mind me if I don't speak with you for the time being. Not that I am still jealous nor mad at you. I just need some time to get a hold of myself.

-Trias

[ the I-never-hit-Send-button email ]

• thanks pete

best thing to do is pull out until you get a hold of yourself. what i meant by pulling out is to cut it off completely. you've been through worse. you're tough. you are. when you put yourself in that situation no one is that tough.

• one day

good girl, trias, good job -- thats what i kept telling myself last night after saying no to your offer. the temptation was there. but no, i can't always say yes to you.

i hope, one day, you'll realize that i am the only one that cares for you. and takes care of you. i am the one that really listens to your story, laughs at your lamest jokes, eagers to know the details of your doctor visits, shares the dinner with you and will miss you terribly when you're gone.

and when that happens, i hope i'm still there, waiting for you and liking you as much.

• remember this?

M: my ipaq battery is out. buzz me here
Y: you want to get something to eat? im hungry
M: sure.. where to?
Y: i dont know...somewhere with alcohol
M: hahahaha..
M: come and pick me up.. you can drink at my place. im done drinking this weekend.
Y: i can pick you up in like 20 min?
M: oks.. call me when ur downstairs

Me, You, sometime in August 2005.
I miss 'us'.

• ternyata

I think I still like you. I know I do. very much. I don't like the idea of still liking you after so many months thinking that I moved on. Seeing you again last night and having you treated me so sweet brought back the old feelings --which now I know I cant really call it old since I still have it.

I was jealous too. That flirty kid. I know I shouldn't be. I saw the way you reacted when she was all over you. You did nothing but smiling. You're too sweet. And I'm sure you could tell I was jealous. My face is like an open book. I'm such a bad actor. But whatever.

I just want to tell myself, I still like you. A lot.

• abang tukang baso

• note to self: listen to your friends next time..

he's yugoslavian, tall, got accent, and I thought he was cute..... til last night.

We went on a date after twice I cancelled on him. Ji said he's ugly, Mel agreed. They said he looked weird and slimy. Mel said he told her he was married, Ji said, don't go. Knowing me, I went anyways.

When I saw him, I still thought he IS tall and cute.. until he smiled. Bad teeth hahahaha. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sound rude or mean. But he does. But whatever, I could live with that (I thought at first). Then we started talking. He sounded cool at first, until he asked me "Do you smoke pot?" . WTF?!

I asked if he's really married, he said YES. Well, I can't hang out with you then --I said, then asked-- how long have you been married? He said, 6 months. WTF???!

From there, I started sounding less and less interested to continue the dinner. I'm not about to mess around with someone's husband. I'm not that crazy. So I stopped asking questions. But then he asked, what are you married too? I said no. Divorced. He asked again, got any kids? Coolly I replied, phew no thank GOD! He said, thats cool, cuz I do. Two. They're in Yugoslavia now.

Ouch! Ouch!

Ooohkkaay. Time to call it the night. Ciao!

• annoyed

• wentworth miller

one and only reason why on monday night; i would sit in front of tv, no calls i would answer, no IMs i would reply and no knocks on door i would open.

him.

• saya masih suka

want proofs? i cant even look at him straight in the eyes! damn it. sucks to be me. he looked so freakin' cute to me tonite! damn it. good thing i acted normal. but shit.. why? why cant i just move on? this should be something really easy to do. but nooo.. trias still likes him. that much that she has to write it on her blog! again! oh man.. i hate myself when i cant let stuff go like this. no, im not being hard on myself. it's just so dissapointing. after going on dates with so many guys.. i thought it be over. it, as in, my feelings towards him. but i was wrong.

• Billy Brooks

wow. This is actually the first time I have a super hot guy that is so into me. ha! check this out. 7 text messages, 5 missed phone calls, 4 voice messages in one day, well, 9 hours to be exact. And I responded.. ONCE (to text messages). I said 'missed' calls because I honestly didn't want to answer his calls. Having to ignore someone makes me feel guilty a little bit.

Quoted from a friend "If he's that good looking, why is he so desperate trying to hang out with you?" well helloooo.. Im a hot commodity first of all. hahaha. kidding. Naw really, I don't know the answer to that. He's probably one of those people who was ugly as a kid and now all grown up really hot and still don't know how to socialize. OR, he's gay but doesn't want to admit it and just wanting to prove a point that he's not. Either way, still not good.

Last one, he prolly really likes me. But sorry dude, I just don't feel anything when I was with you. Or.. until he quits on wearing thongs and stops being so weird? I don't know, but for now, I just don't think we have a chance no matter how gorgeous he is.

• new month, new job, new challenge

yayy. me got a new job! i am now the office manager of the law office of lawrence wolf. now i can finally breathe easier. now i can be confident that i can pay my rent. now i can start bitching again about how busy i am at work and how i wish i can go to the beach and just lay out. hahaha.. nah. i hope i wont have to bitch about anything.

new job is always challenging, right? yaayy!

-trias-
-los angeles-

I've always been different growing up. My being the 3rd (middle) child might have added to it too, maybe. You know the old saying about being the middle child often has the sense of not belonging, the feeling of invisibility, which makes them try harder to get the attention from the parents to make them stand out more than the first and last child. They (read: experts and/or old people) even have it called a 'middle child syndrome'. I don't know... But yea, I grew up trying my best to annoy my parents, well, in my defense, I don't think I did it consciously. Compared to my other siblings, I wasn't the most polite child (my oldest sister was), nor the cutest (my youngest sister), and not even the worst (my brother haha!). Well, maybe I'm the second worst, which wasn't anything I should be proud of.

I grew up thinking I could do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. The sky was (and is) my limit. I was a tomboy and a bad kid too (I skipped school a lot during my junior high and finally got caught by my dad and boy did I pay much for it). I always love boys too. I know how to get them just by talking to them. I was (hopefully still is) a Miss Personality. I dated a lot. From one boy to another. I was obnoxiously flirty. My mom had (still has) problems with this "habit" of mine for liking boys so much. I always love English language. I wanted to travel overseas and spoke the universal language to anyone and everyone. I grew up knowing that if I speak English, everyone in this world would understand what I say. Make sense, right? Then I also always wanted to work in an office. I wanted to be a career woman, an independent woman who can afford anything on her own. I wanted to be bigger than the biggest.

Which isn't normal in any Indonesian culture guidebook.

By standards, an Indonesian woman is expected to be a good wife. Period. Oh yes, she can work, she can drive a car, she can play basketball, but at the end of the day, she MUST learn how to and become a good wife. Hey, first off, I'm not saying it's bad, I think it's great that a woman can be a good wife, but COME ON!! We, women, can become much more than that. We can be something bigger than that. Again, it's great to be a good wife, but when it's expected by the society, I think it's ridiculously silly. Human is human, regardless of its gender. We, women, should be allowed to have the same choices and opportunities as men, in any part of the world. Unfortunately, not in my part of the world. So yea, I'm fucked.

Before you punch me in the face for saying so, let me say this.

I tried.
No. Not just tried. I did what was expected of me as an Indonesian woman. Yes yes, I was married and did my best to be a good wife. Actually, I was a great wife. I did my best living my life by Indonesian standards. I was happy, but I turned into a different person who lived under a shadow of the person I was with. Yet, in my head, there's always this big question mark: Now what? Why do I feel lost being in this "happy" marriage? So, when the marriage fell apart, aside from feeling like the biggest failure in the face of the earth, I also felt..... relieved. Not happy, but relieved. For a few who knew me from/before the day I failed my marriage should know how devastated I was . I was broken, pathetic, lost, and pushed to the weakest point of my life. I lived in my own lonely little pathetic world (celibacy was part of it too) for a good one year.

But then I snapped out of it. HUGE thanks to my family and few of my friends who stood by me, helping me going through the worse time of my life. Kar who bought me a TV soon as I moved in to my own studio apartment. Sus who forced me to go get a vibrator to get through the celibacy time. Mel who gave me this silly book, sort of a guide, on how to be a BAD girl. Before I knew it, there I was having a buck fuddy, OK, two. ^-^

I learned my lesson the day I failed my marriage. Following the standard of a society is a good thing, but doesn't necessarily make one happy. Since then, I learned to live my life by whatever makes me happy. Sound selfish? Yes and No. It is a simple way of a person who wants to be happy. It is also my choice to make everyday a good day. To have a great time during miserable time. To be half full instead of half empty. It's my choice to laugh and not cry. To let go of hate and stop worrying so much. I learn to know that nothing, I repeat, NOTHING is a big deal. Because it doesn't matter how big of a problem I have, there's always someone else out there with a bigger problem. That's, my friend, when I know the exact meaning of "count your blessings".

Fast forward: Entering the 4th year of divorce anniversary *grinning*. Here I am. Stronger than ever. Bad ass for life. ^o^
[Monday, April 21, 2008]

Her mom and siblings and niece and nephew, movies, movies, movies, hats, unicorns, to smile and laugh, her friends, a Vinci Code, Mashimaro, manggo, black shirts, Gym, vodka-holic, tom Welling, dark chocolatte cuz its bitter, Korean language, Retro necklaces, Jeong ji-hoon, iPhones, Venice Beach, Nordstrom rack, hot guys with british accents, web design, Ebay, blogging (duh)

Pretentiousness, running (be in on a treadmill or outside), humidity, her left thumb, hypocrites, dangdut, hung-over, white shirts, tight pants, sandwich and salads, cowboy hats, black coffee, slow wifi