stories of some bad ass girl

l blah l theGirl l rants l oldStuff l linkies l

Welcome to my blog.
If you have this url, you're prolly one of the chosen ones.

By reading my blog, you agree to:
Have fun reading it.
Comment only if you must.
Bear with my randomness.
Not be judgemental. Not towards me at least.

• I miss you

Not enough to want you back..
just enough for it to hurt.

• the past

What would you do when all of a sudden the past is catching up with you? Well, I can tell you this.. it gets overwhelming when these guys, thanks to FB world, showed up and asked you list of questions that either would bring pain or give you smiles. And they tell you stories, supposedly the memories we shared, that were somehow buried in the back of my mind, excuse my short-term-memory-disorder, that I didn't even know existed until now.

Well, maybe "catching up with me" is not the right term, because it's really not that bad. I just feel overwhelmed, I guess..

Also.. what is up with these men? All of a sudden these guys just popped up in my life, right when I really don't feel like dealing with any of 'em. Old and new guys, same difference. Bad timing. Just bad timing.

I guess I shouldn't be complaining. After all, it's just another phase of life I have to go through......

• I miss home.

I miss my mom..

I miss her soft voice, waking me up at the crack of dawn, telling me to get up and pray. I miss the smell and the taste of her delish cooking that oh-how-I-wish I could have just half of her skill. I miss listening to her reading Quran verses after Maghrib. I miss the sound of her rushing little steps around the house. Heck, I even miss her scolding me for not praying on time or napping too much.. :)

I miss my dad..

I miss his comforting smiles. I miss seeing him sitting on the rocking chair in front of tv, holding the remote, constantly changing channels. I miss talking to him out in the patio, answering his many questions about my LA life. I miss seeing him watering the plants in the morning. Oh, and I miss laughing at how he LOVES to eat whatever's on the dining table.. :p

I miss my nephew, Adrian..

I miss his naughty face, and his cute mouth that pouts every time he doesn't get what he wants. I miss asking him questions just so he could tell me stories in his adorable little voice. I miss watching him playing games on the computer. I miss his manipulative smirks because you know it means trouble. I even miss his loud cry, his bad teeth, and his constant nag asking for (more) milk ^-^

I miss my sisters, sis-bro in law and my brother..
I miss the laughs we share, talking back and forth teasing each other endlessly only to laugh some more. I miss sharing the bed on the floor to sleep in at nights because we give the beds to mom and dad. I miss looking at my oh-so-full-of-food fridge that mbak Evi has. I miss seeing her constantly cleaning her house, yapping about the mess we all make. I miss the rare and small talks I have with mas Bagus while he's outside smoking. I miss looking at how quiet my brother in law is, all he does most of the time is just smiling to see how loud we all can be when we talk and joke. I miss seeing the dynamic conversation Meti has with her son, they sure don't talk to each other like mother and son but more like friends, very cute. I miss going out with Lupi, or staying in her room with the AC on that smells like a bar because of the amount of smoked cigarettes, talking to her all night just about ANYTHING and before we know it, it's already 6am.. *-*

And of course, I miss the food! I miss eating sego kucing (or any street vendor's food for that matter) in Malioboro-Yogya, in Menteng-Jakarta, in Dago-Bandung, or in Alun2-Purwokerto. I miss the fruit, the tropical mango, rambutan, or sawo, that I could only get them in cans here. I miss though not everything, cuz I don't miss the heat, the humidity that gives me headache even migraines, and oh, the traffic I surely do not miss, but I really miss hearing people speak Bahasa all around. I miss the taste, the smell and the sound of Indonesia.

While I'm grateful and loving my life here.. sometimes, I just miss.. home.

• My "cheot sarang"

Don't blame me for feeling touched to hear my junior high ex-boyfriend told me that he had my name tattooed on his arm. I swear, I didn't know it til today. He told me he had it AFTER we broke up. Apparently he'd been "looking for me" before he gave it up in 1996. Mind you, we 'dated' in 1989 for a year and half.

I thought that was cute and romantic. Flattering, of course.
He'd kept the tape I made for him. Oh yes, I was a romantic hopeless back then. He was indeed my first love. My 첫사랑. Uri cheot sarang.

Ok, I need to stop watching them korean drama. The guy is married after all! haha!

• oh my

what a night.
for once, I lost.
I hail to you, "Professor"
.. and I think I deserve a rematch. ;)

• the professor and I

Stephen: hey there
Trias: :p
Stephen: why the tounge?
Stephen: you mad?
Stephen: or something else?
Trias: no silly. i was on the phone
Trias: dont get all sensitive on moi! hehehe
Stephen: lol i'll try
Trias: how are you, professor?
Stephen: hanging in there, student.
Trias: awww
Stephen: yep, i've been trying to stay away from you
Stephen: but i sure have been thinking of ya!
Trias: whaaaa.. why?
Stephen: eh, i just have some stupid idea i should get over this big bummer of a feeling first
Trias: am i really THAT scary?
Trias: or THAT dangerous?
Stephen: dangerously scary!
Trias: i guess obviously it doesnt work, cuz now you're talking to me!
Stephen: hehehe, i couldn't resist

• please

do not call me.
do not try and be nice to me.

call me crazy, but I'd rather you be mean the way you did to me.
because it makes it easier for me to get over you.

so please.

• law of attraction

ya know.. I need to start being more careful of what I wish. Both conscious and subconscious wishes, that is. Because, God seems to be taking seriously of what I want. As ungrateful as I am and as lazy as I am for thanking Him, HE's been nothing but great by granting me all my wishes. All my life. :)

Recent examples:
I've been meaning to move. Been tired of my own place, though I've only been living here for 4 years. In the name of school, boyfriend, and everything else happened in my life, I've been brutally neglecting it. Dusts everywhere, dirty carpet, stuff everywhere, oh, and the kitchen, ugh, so not as clean as I had it before on my first year living here. Much as I tried to clean it lately, I still don't feel the love anymore. Hence, the lease of my new apartment I will sign today. Yes, Alhamdulillah, God is good, I'm moving in 3 weeks! ;)

Then, there's my phone. I've been bitching about my phone a lot, telling people around me how much I hate it. This is my 2nd Blackberry I have this year. If it could talk, the phone would cry and scream for how much I've been abusing it. Yesterday, as I was reaching for it in my purse, I felt something sticky on it, and kwang kwaang.. it was covered with melted chocolate!! I forgot that I had the tiny chocolate bar I've kept in my purse, and it's melted due to yesterday's heat! I tried to clean it as much as I could. I mean it still works, but when I make a call, people can't hear my voice. And I could see the chocolate oil's reflection from underneath it. Bummer. Hence, my looking at ebay for a new phone.

Maybe it's a reminder.. for me to be more grateful of all the things I have. :)

• 794!

So.. this "darling" apartment just sorta fell on to my lap the other day, and before I know it, I submitted the application, handled the laundry situation pretty well, and earlier got a call from the landlord:
"How can I deny your application, your credit score is 794!"

I'm moving to a new place, folks!! Whoohoo!!
And I can say this, things are looking up!! ;)

• yay!

have my internet back up and running at my own place. yay!
(tho it's dorky, but I think the excitement deserves its own post hehe)

• not at my happiest state

sadly enough, I recognize that I've been feeling somber since this weekend.
Not sad, not upset, not miserable, just... somber. Just want to be left alone for once. Just want to shut myself off from anything negative. So I can get out of it and looking at everything from the outside window with a clear head and mind.

Hmm, that'd be nice. I know it'll take time, so please help me God.

• This is getting pathetic.

You know how I know you're gay?
You're so pissed off you use fucking facebook and myspace to create drama. Why don't you shove it up in your ass and move on already.

The joke is on you now, buddy. I'm out!

• Oh yes, I can.

I don't know anyone who isn't haunted by something or someone. And whether we try to slice the pain away with a scalpel or shove it in the back of a closet- our efforts usually fail. So the only way we can clear out the cobwebs is to turn a new page or put an old story to rest- finally, finally to rest.

quoted this before but today and this time, I know I can do it.
I was annoyed yesterday and I will NOT allow that to happen again.

On a more brighter note, the retail therapy I did yesterday was succeeded with this hottie pair I'm wearing today! ;)

• I made the right decision

i pity you
i pity you and your immaturity
i thought you're better than that..

ya know what,
it's crystal clear that I made the right decision to leave you in the first place.

• i hate thursday

most people hate mondays.
not me.
i hate thursdays.
well, at least for this fall semester.
what was I thinking when I picked Wed evening class PLUS Thu morning class?!
now, I feel like, every Thursday I be bitchy.
Not that I'm not bitchy any other day.. haha..

anyways.. I'm FIIIINE! Gots runny nose, but brokenhearted wise, I'm fine. (For those who are worried and concerned) I really am fine. I said, it couldn't hurt more, right? ;)

I'd be lying if I said I'm totally over Brandon, but I'm almost there. No crying, no sleep deprivation, no appetite loss, just missing him a little, but overall, I'm fine.

No, I'm NOT looking for a rebound fuck, nor looking for a perfect boyfriend.
I'm gonna fly solo for now.
Just me and school.

-trias-
-los angeles-

I've always been different growing up. My being the 3rd (middle) child might have added to it too, maybe. You know the old saying about being the middle child often has the sense of not belonging, the feeling of invisibility, which makes them try harder to get the attention from the parents to make them stand out more than the first and last child. They (read: experts and/or old people) even have it called a 'middle child syndrome'. I don't know... But yea, I grew up trying my best to annoy my parents, well, in my defense, I don't think I did it consciously. Compared to my other siblings, I wasn't the most polite child (my oldest sister was), nor the cutest (my youngest sister), and not even the worst (my brother haha!). Well, maybe I'm the second worst, which wasn't anything I should be proud of.

I grew up thinking I could do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. The sky was (and is) my limit. I was a tomboy and a bad kid too (I skipped school a lot during my junior high and finally got caught by my dad and boy did I pay much for it). I always love boys too. I know how to get them just by talking to them. I was (hopefully still is) a Miss Personality. I dated a lot. From one boy to another. I was obnoxiously flirty. My mom had (still has) problems with this "habit" of mine for liking boys so much. I always love English language. I wanted to travel overseas and spoke the universal language to anyone and everyone. I grew up knowing that if I speak English, everyone in this world would understand what I say. Make sense, right? Then I also always wanted to work in an office. I wanted to be a career woman, an independent woman who can afford anything on her own. I wanted to be bigger than the biggest.

Which isn't normal in any Indonesian culture guidebook.

By standards, an Indonesian woman is expected to be a good wife. Period. Oh yes, she can work, she can drive a car, she can play basketball, but at the end of the day, she MUST learn how to and become a good wife. Hey, first off, I'm not saying it's bad, I think it's great that a woman can be a good wife, but COME ON!! We, women, can become much more than that. We can be something bigger than that. Again, it's great to be a good wife, but when it's expected by the society, I think it's ridiculously silly. Human is human, regardless of its gender. We, women, should be allowed to have the same choices and opportunities as men, in any part of the world. Unfortunately, not in my part of the world. So yea, I'm fucked.

Before you punch me in the face for saying so, let me say this.

I tried.
No. Not just tried. I did what was expected of me as an Indonesian woman. Yes yes, I was married and did my best to be a good wife. Actually, I was a great wife. I did my best living my life by Indonesian standards. I was happy, but I turned into a different person who lived under a shadow of the person I was with. Yet, in my head, there's always this big question mark: Now what? Why do I feel lost being in this "happy" marriage? So, when the marriage fell apart, aside from feeling like the biggest failure in the face of the earth, I also felt..... relieved. Not happy, but relieved. For a few who knew me from/before the day I failed my marriage should know how devastated I was . I was broken, pathetic, lost, and pushed to the weakest point of my life. I lived in my own lonely little pathetic world (celibacy was part of it too) for a good one year.

But then I snapped out of it. HUGE thanks to my family and few of my friends who stood by me, helping me going through the worse time of my life. Kar who bought me a TV soon as I moved in to my own studio apartment. Sus who forced me to go get a vibrator to get through the celibacy time. Mel who gave me this silly book, sort of a guide, on how to be a BAD girl. Before I knew it, there I was having a buck fuddy, OK, two. ^-^

I learned my lesson the day I failed my marriage. Following the standard of a society is a good thing, but doesn't necessarily make one happy. Since then, I learned to live my life by whatever makes me happy. Sound selfish? Yes and No. It is a simple way of a person who wants to be happy. It is also my choice to make everyday a good day. To have a great time during miserable time. To be half full instead of half empty. It's my choice to laugh and not cry. To let go of hate and stop worrying so much. I learn to know that nothing, I repeat, NOTHING is a big deal. Because it doesn't matter how big of a problem I have, there's always someone else out there with a bigger problem. That's, my friend, when I know the exact meaning of "count your blessings".

Fast forward: Entering the 4th year of divorce anniversary *grinning*. Here I am. Stronger than ever. Bad ass for life. ^o^
[Monday, April 21, 2008]

Her mom and siblings and niece and nephew, movies, movies, movies, hats, unicorns, to smile and laugh, her friends, a Vinci Code, Mashimaro, manggo, black shirts, Gym, vodka-holic, tom Welling, dark chocolatte cuz its bitter, Korean language, Retro necklaces, Jeong ji-hoon, iPhones, Venice Beach, Nordstrom rack, hot guys with british accents, web design, Ebay, blogging (duh)

Pretentiousness, running (be in on a treadmill or outside), humidity, her left thumb, hypocrites, dangdut, hung-over, white shirts, tight pants, sandwich and salads, cowboy hats, black coffee, slow wifi