stories of some bad ass girl

l blah l theGirl l rants l oldStuff l linkies l

Welcome to my blog.
If you have this url, you're prolly one of the chosen ones.

By reading my blog, you agree to:
Have fun reading it.
Comment only if you must.
Bear with my randomness.
Not be judgemental. Not towards me at least.

• she's gone.

3House is.
Got a call from my insurance company saying that the frame was damaged, so the car needs to be totaled. *sigh* I was pissed off. For 2 hours I stayed there and quiet, trying to tell myself that it could've been worse and that I should be grateful I'm fine. But ya know.. it aint easy. I love that car. I feel like I worked hard for it and finally got the car that I wanted, that I think is the coolest car ever. I feel like I haven't done enjoying it cuz it's only been a year plus some months since I got it.. pluuuus.. it's 3House.

Tonight, kartini took me to the shop to pick up my stuff left in the trunk and I saw her there.. parked, damaged, and no longer pretty :( I feel sad. I know car is a car.. but still..

I asked the mechanic to give me the license plate. I know it's sad that I'm this bummed, but hey.. I'm trying here. I know eventually I'm gonna have to let it all go. It is what it is.. can't worry about it too much.

Not today, only a day away from my Indonesia trip :)

• I'm fine, but 3House isn't

Yesterday at about 11:10am.. I was going about 5 miles an hour on Beverly Blvd., slowing down for the red light ahead of me on Fairfax. Next thing I knew, I heard a LOUD crash and bang and I felt my body was shaken so hard and all I remember my face was hitting the airbag that came off. The car stopped. Then I heard a lady in parking enforcement uniform knocked on my glass window asking if I were okay. I nodded, quickly opened the door to get out of the car because it smelled like something was burnt inside.

She suggested me to pull over to avoid traffic jam if I could start my car. I tried once, it didn't start. But then it did the second time. When I pulled over, that’s when I realized I have hit the car in front of me. He must have hit me pretty hard because I remember she was pretty far ahead of me. I sat on the curb, shaking. That was pretty damn scary. The guy that hit me came out of his car, and asked if I were okay. I said I'm shaking and scared. We then exchanged insurance information. I took pictures of the damages with my BB. That was when I saw some liquid is leaking. I called my insurance company to report the accident and to get my car towed. Shit, I ain't driving that car knowing it's leaking.

The guy who hit me was pretty damn calm. When I asked him what had happened, he just smiled and said he didn't know what happened. Yet, at some point he said he thought he saw someone was crossing the street. Wtf? He left soon after he got all the information! So allow me to say this:

FUCK YOU dude. You're a fucken ass! Why? Showing a bit of sympathy would be nice instead of fucken smiling the whole time. You fucken hit me, which made me hit another lady who has a kid in the car. Had the nerve to even smile? Fuck YOU.

Ok, I'm done bitching. :)

The towing truck came 30 minutes after I called. Two hours later I was home.

I spent all Sunday laying on the couch, grateful for my life. I'm just so very glad I'm safe. Few bruises won't matter much. It coulda been worse. I coulda been in some hospital and not being able to go to Indonesia to see my lil sister getting married. Now THAT, would be far worse.

There’d be no good days, if there weren’t any bad ones. The sky wouldn’t be blue, if it were never black. And sometimes you need to fall halfway down the mountain to find a new trail that will take you straight to the top.

• ...

Pengen ketemu, ingin peluk yang lama..
Sampai waktu berlalu, sampai memutih rambut kita..

• :(

Miris rasanya melihat kota-ku begitu suram karena abu vulkanik dari letusan Gn. Merapi..

Nobody wants to admit this, but bad things will keep on happening. Maybe that's because it's all a chain, and a long time ago someone did the first bad thing, and that led someone else to do another bad thing, and so on. You know, like that game where you whisper a sentence into someones' ear, and that person whispers it to someone else, and it all comes out wrong in the end. But then again, maybe bad things happen because it's the only way we can keep remembering what good is supposed to look like -Nineteen Minutes

• diantara bayang-bayang dan realita

amare et sapere vix deo conceditur

The question now is.. what is it that I want? aside from how I feel. aside from everything that's happening in my life.

I learned over these years, rationale keeps me grounded but emotional feeling is what keeps me alive. I, as hard as i try to make it work, fail to keep myself stand still to enjoy it and take it one day at a time. This is a weird timing for me.

Forgive me for being selfish.
Forgive me for letting my feeling for you gets to you.
I do take every blame.
I realized, it is entirely my fault to have let it happened.

yet, do remember this..
even a god finds it hard to love and be wise at the same time.

• day 3

This is day 3 that I didn't hear a thing from Jay. I'm worried sick about him. Last I heard from him, he was going to Singapore to consult with his doctor there, whether or not he needs to have a surgery. He only told me he had to go to S'pore before November 10. He refused to tell me anymore details on his health condition.

He called home Tuesday night but I was out and about. By the time I got home I was so dead tired. He called my cell in the middle of the night, I picked it up but I didn't hear any voice. Later on that night, I ignored his FB message asking me to call him back -- thinking that he would call/text/write me the next morning. But I was wrong.. I didn't hear from him again since. I'm hoping he's just mad at me. It's better that way than thinking about him laying on the hospital bed :(

So, be mad at me all you want, babe. But promise me you be well.
That's all I care.. is for you to be well and healthy.

• sweet prince

After taking me bar-hopping last Thursday, we had a looong talk. Finally I got to hear the real deal of his past life, Dylan, his ex, and how he got to where he is now. Since then, I have more respect for the guy. I get to see the other side of him that he allows me to see now.

Since, Ifeel a lot closer to him.

Part of me still feels like an 'outsider' every time he talks about D and that other side of his life as I am still not even an existence to it, but hey, no rush.. I ain't ready either..

he's oh-so very sweet about it though, and what I liked the most is.. I see efforts.

• El Día de los Muertos

San Jose, CA. October 30, 2010 - Fun, fun, fun!

-trias-
-los angeles-

I've always been different growing up. My being the 3rd (middle) child might have added to it too, maybe. You know the old saying about being the middle child often has the sense of not belonging, the feeling of invisibility, which makes them try harder to get the attention from the parents to make them stand out more than the first and last child. They (read: experts and/or old people) even have it called a 'middle child syndrome'. I don't know... But yea, I grew up trying my best to annoy my parents, well, in my defense, I don't think I did it consciously. Compared to my other siblings, I wasn't the most polite child (my oldest sister was), nor the cutest (my youngest sister), and not even the worst (my brother haha!). Well, maybe I'm the second worst, which wasn't anything I should be proud of.

I grew up thinking I could do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. The sky was (and is) my limit. I was a tomboy and a bad kid too (I skipped school a lot during my junior high and finally got caught by my dad and boy did I pay much for it). I always love boys too. I know how to get them just by talking to them. I was (hopefully still is) a Miss Personality. I dated a lot. From one boy to another. I was obnoxiously flirty. My mom had (still has) problems with this "habit" of mine for liking boys so much. I always love English language. I wanted to travel overseas and spoke the universal language to anyone and everyone. I grew up knowing that if I speak English, everyone in this world would understand what I say. Make sense, right? Then I also always wanted to work in an office. I wanted to be a career woman, an independent woman who can afford anything on her own. I wanted to be bigger than the biggest.

Which isn't normal in any Indonesian culture guidebook.

By standards, an Indonesian woman is expected to be a good wife. Period. Oh yes, she can work, she can drive a car, she can play basketball, but at the end of the day, she MUST learn how to and become a good wife. Hey, first off, I'm not saying it's bad, I think it's great that a woman can be a good wife, but COME ON!! We, women, can become much more than that. We can be something bigger than that. Again, it's great to be a good wife, but when it's expected by the society, I think it's ridiculously silly. Human is human, regardless of its gender. We, women, should be allowed to have the same choices and opportunities as men, in any part of the world. Unfortunately, not in my part of the world. So yea, I'm fucked.

Before you punch me in the face for saying so, let me say this.

I tried.
No. Not just tried. I did what was expected of me as an Indonesian woman. Yes yes, I was married and did my best to be a good wife. Actually, I was a great wife. I did my best living my life by Indonesian standards. I was happy, but I turned into a different person who lived under a shadow of the person I was with. Yet, in my head, there's always this big question mark: Now what? Why do I feel lost being in this "happy" marriage? So, when the marriage fell apart, aside from feeling like the biggest failure in the face of the earth, I also felt..... relieved. Not happy, but relieved. For a few who knew me from/before the day I failed my marriage should know how devastated I was . I was broken, pathetic, lost, and pushed to the weakest point of my life. I lived in my own lonely little pathetic world (celibacy was part of it too) for a good one year.

But then I snapped out of it. HUGE thanks to my family and few of my friends who stood by me, helping me going through the worse time of my life. Kar who bought me a TV soon as I moved in to my own studio apartment. Sus who forced me to go get a vibrator to get through the celibacy time. Mel who gave me this silly book, sort of a guide, on how to be a BAD girl. Before I knew it, there I was having a buck fuddy, OK, two. ^-^

I learned my lesson the day I failed my marriage. Following the standard of a society is a good thing, but doesn't necessarily make one happy. Since then, I learned to live my life by whatever makes me happy. Sound selfish? Yes and No. It is a simple way of a person who wants to be happy. It is also my choice to make everyday a good day. To have a great time during miserable time. To be half full instead of half empty. It's my choice to laugh and not cry. To let go of hate and stop worrying so much. I learn to know that nothing, I repeat, NOTHING is a big deal. Because it doesn't matter how big of a problem I have, there's always someone else out there with a bigger problem. That's, my friend, when I know the exact meaning of "count your blessings".

Fast forward: Entering the 4th year of divorce anniversary *grinning*. Here I am. Stronger than ever. Bad ass for life. ^o^
[Monday, April 21, 2008]

Her mom and siblings and niece and nephew, movies, movies, movies, hats, unicorns, to smile and laugh, her friends, a Vinci Code, Mashimaro, manggo, black shirts, Gym, vodka-holic, tom Welling, dark chocolatte cuz its bitter, Korean language, Retro necklaces, Jeong ji-hoon, iPhones, Venice Beach, Nordstrom rack, hot guys with british accents, web design, Ebay, blogging (duh)

Pretentiousness, running (be in on a treadmill or outside), humidity, her left thumb, hypocrites, dangdut, hung-over, white shirts, tight pants, sandwich and salads, cowboy hats, black coffee, slow wifi