stories of some bad ass girl

l blah l theGirl l rants l oldStuff l linkies l

Welcome to my blog.
If you have this url, you're prolly one of the chosen ones.

By reading my blog, you agree to:
Have fun reading it.
Comment only if you must.
Bear with my randomness.
Not be judgemental. Not towards me at least.

• i had a fish bone in my throat

tried to flush it down by eating bread. like, swallowed a big chunk of bread without chewing it first, as yahoo-answer peeps suggested. yes yes, i had to go thru yahoo answer which (btw) i love love love, cuz i could find answers to (almost) every question i have (and considering how random i could be, that's pretty impressive ya kno)

anyways. lets go back to the fish bone in my throat.

so yea, i had it down with bread, rite. or so i thought. cuz now i kinda feel something still sit in my throat, but like a lil further down to the right. i'm not so sure anymore whether this is the same fish bone tho', or some other shit (pardon my frenglish) i ate. ugh. so then, i ate some more of those yummy hawaiian bread. yes yes, i can't just eat bread-bread. not much of a bread person to begin with. i gotta have some asian bread, rite. (yea yea, i'm so asian. pffft whatever) but duuude, do you kno that they got "whole wheat" hawaiian bread? it's so good! and also the "savory butter" kind? i never tried that, but sounds good too, dont ya think.

anyways, back to fish bone. i wonder if it's the same one that's been stuck in my throat. i mean, i hope not. if it is, ew. gross. or maybe i should just go to ER or somethin.

[random thought of the night]

• i'm going to get myself heartbroken again

let's lay out the facts..
this is the guy i've been sorta involved for the past 2 years. well almost. one of my rules was bent the first time i met him. then i flew out to see him when i had it enough with ernest. he was there right before, in between and after jon. i mean, really. i was with him the day after i had my first date with jon-- i wasn't sure what i wanted then (plus i'm just a slut! ha). he was a phone call away when i made the most difficult decision in life (meanwhile i couldn't even tell jon about it). then he stayed with me the day after jon and i broke up. and i could say, since then.. we become closer than we originally wanted. there's something undeniably attractive about him that i could never seem to just walk away from. he feels the same way about me -i think-. we may not call each other much, often times we just text on the days we see each other, but we know we're connected.

compatible, that's the word that would perfectly describe us.

he's the only guy i've been with for the past year. no question asked. my rules were bent few times for him. just for him.

so, i flew back in town last night thinking..
i wish i could have him. just for me..
can he be my happily ever after?

yah, i'm so gonna get myself heartbroken again. i'm screwed.

but, ya kno what.. for those flirty brown eyes, i'll take my chance.

• priceless sf

Delta roundtrip flight: $115
Self parking at LAX: $22
Quality Suites: $85
Taking BART for the 1st time; spending time alone on a crowded Black Friday at Union Square; walking thru a tunnel going to Chinatown for dimsum-breakfast; getting lost in such a beautiful city like SF; sitting on the bench by the Fisherman's Wharf while drinking the infamous Ghirardelli hot cocoa; looking away to the reddest Golden Gate Bridge in the middle of the bay; taking tequila sunrise while playing crosswords puzzle at Finn McCools with him and bending my own rules just to see that familiar smirk once again... priceless

• adventurous me

closer to date, i now become more determined and excited about SF. i really thought i wasn't going to make the trip due to some "doubts". but ya kno what.. i think it'll be good to take a small vacation with me, myself, and trias. this long thanksgiving weekend will be all just meeee! yay, i need it!

and i, being such an adventurous gal and all, refuse to rent a car this time around. yes yes, i will wander around the town by trains or buses. i think i can handle the adventure, their BART and MUNI transportation systems, and the fun of "might/might not be" getting lost hehe. yes yes, i am THAT brave. hey, i flew to this country on my own several years ago and managed to survive this far, so.. san francisco isn't something i should be scared of, rite? rite? ;)

san francisco, sapa takuuut! ha!

anyways.. happy thanksgiving, everyone. stuff yourself well as much as i feel bad for all the birds (read: turkey) americans are gonna eat this day hehe.

GOBBLE GOBBLE!!!

• patron

I am feeling the need to do some drinking. Actually, I'm feeling the need to do some crying, but my tear ducts seem to be too proud, so I am going to do some drinking instead.
[grey's anatomy]

• 3 things I want to buy but cannot afford

1. "Devona" queen set from Simmons Beautyrest
2. Nissan 350Z year 2008
3. A trip to Dublin-Ireland

yea, i can be VERY specific when it comes to things that i want ;) 1 is to give myself a good sleep every night without morning back-pain; 2 is to replace the old mashimaro; and 3 is to reward myself with a nice vacation.

• and let the cleaning begins..

i got this "hate" note from my landlord a couple days ago. telling me how one day i will call him and complain that i have mold and that i'm getting sick because of it. telling me that i'm still young i need to take a better care of myself. that i need to clean up my kitchen.

what.the.fuck.

my reaction wasn't just "wtf", you should've seen my face. i got so pissed off. funny how i got all pissed off cuz of some landlord whom i know was just trying to be nice. and i admit, i havent taken good care of my kitchen lately. but dammit, he's not my dad he needs to stop acting like one!

but yea, i gotta clean up this weekend. i have to. cuz i'm broke. i can't and shouldn't go out. started w/ my aquarium tonight. and tomorrow.. my kitchen. oh, i hate it when he's right. fucken old man.

• unavailability IS intriguing

you see.. the more unavailable i am to jon, the more he tries to reach me. for the past 3 weekends since we "made up" after the whole flaking on me thingy, we've been hanging out every sunday. again, i'm not complaining cuz (again) hanging out w/ him is fun. but i guess in a way, i just need a lil space to not see him as much, at least not as much as before. but seems like he doesn't let me off the hook easily. come saturday or sunday, he would call me and ask if i want to hang w/ him.

like, just now. he texted me "i'm feeling for manna this weekend. whatdya think?"

manna is our favorite restaurant, btw. and the way he said it, as if i'm around this weekend for him. no way. its cute that he still wants to hang w/ me but it pains me at times, ya kno. how am i ever gonna move on?

anyways.. i'm going to santa barbara w/ mellany tomorrow. haven't seen her in ages or feels like it. should be fun!

• say yes to shots

i dunno if this is a california thing, but i find it funny that we have a person (mostly a mexican) that sells roses in a bar or club. seriously, who would buy roses while you're sweaty dancing in a crowded club? or who would want a rose when you're drinking your ass off? but anyways..

while we (as in matta and i) were at saddle ranch last monday, we were taking tequila shots, talking about mtv shows when this middle-aged mexican lady holding a vase full of roses came to us. "rose?" she asked in a thick accent. yea, she barely speaks english. hehehe..

and matta said "oh no thank you, i'll just buy her shots. she'll appreciate it more than roses. right?" and turned his face to me. I said, hells yea! (we were drunk!) haha!

• happy birthday, ibu.

i love you. hope you like the roses.

• mauve. dark mauve.

he's born in new orleans. he's 6'7" (yes, TALL). he has no girlfriend. tho he has 4 piercings in his left ear, but he only has one gold hoop. he said, wearing 3 hoops woulda looked gay. matthew is actually his middle name but been using it as his first. he has no tattoo nor wanting to get one. last time he wore his hair short was when he's in highschool. currently working on kungfu panda. he has one brother. he drinks beer (but not corona), vodka and tequila. he plays hockey every sunday. he just recently found out about tila tequila and thinks she's hot. he likes rock music. thinks jessica is cuter than ashlee.

and his favorite color is mauve. dark mauve.
[matta, saddle ranch & sheraton @universal citywalk, 11/5/07]

• hockey player is in town

"hi there. in la tomorrow. you free? wanna hang?"
doo doo dee daa daaa.. la la laa laa..
*happy*

• After last night.

There's no doubt about it-- breakups suck. But I suppose I should know better: Some things can't and shouldn't be fixed, and deep down inside I know what that reason is. Maybe what I had was actually fear. Fear of things being different than how I liked them, fear of never finding love again, fear of being alone, fear of having to fill my time differently. I was afraid of the unknown.

Was.
Not anymore.

-trias-
-los angeles-

I've always been different growing up. My being the 3rd (middle) child might have added to it too, maybe. You know the old saying about being the middle child often has the sense of not belonging, the feeling of invisibility, which makes them try harder to get the attention from the parents to make them stand out more than the first and last child. They (read: experts and/or old people) even have it called a 'middle child syndrome'. I don't know... But yea, I grew up trying my best to annoy my parents, well, in my defense, I don't think I did it consciously. Compared to my other siblings, I wasn't the most polite child (my oldest sister was), nor the cutest (my youngest sister), and not even the worst (my brother haha!). Well, maybe I'm the second worst, which wasn't anything I should be proud of.

I grew up thinking I could do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. The sky was (and is) my limit. I was a tomboy and a bad kid too (I skipped school a lot during my junior high and finally got caught by my dad and boy did I pay much for it). I always love boys too. I know how to get them just by talking to them. I was (hopefully still is) a Miss Personality. I dated a lot. From one boy to another. I was obnoxiously flirty. My mom had (still has) problems with this "habit" of mine for liking boys so much. I always love English language. I wanted to travel overseas and spoke the universal language to anyone and everyone. I grew up knowing that if I speak English, everyone in this world would understand what I say. Make sense, right? Then I also always wanted to work in an office. I wanted to be a career woman, an independent woman who can afford anything on her own. I wanted to be bigger than the biggest.

Which isn't normal in any Indonesian culture guidebook.

By standards, an Indonesian woman is expected to be a good wife. Period. Oh yes, she can work, she can drive a car, she can play basketball, but at the end of the day, she MUST learn how to and become a good wife. Hey, first off, I'm not saying it's bad, I think it's great that a woman can be a good wife, but COME ON!! We, women, can become much more than that. We can be something bigger than that. Again, it's great to be a good wife, but when it's expected by the society, I think it's ridiculously silly. Human is human, regardless of its gender. We, women, should be allowed to have the same choices and opportunities as men, in any part of the world. Unfortunately, not in my part of the world. So yea, I'm fucked.

Before you punch me in the face for saying so, let me say this.

I tried.
No. Not just tried. I did what was expected of me as an Indonesian woman. Yes yes, I was married and did my best to be a good wife. Actually, I was a great wife. I did my best living my life by Indonesian standards. I was happy, but I turned into a different person who lived under a shadow of the person I was with. Yet, in my head, there's always this big question mark: Now what? Why do I feel lost being in this "happy" marriage? So, when the marriage fell apart, aside from feeling like the biggest failure in the face of the earth, I also felt..... relieved. Not happy, but relieved. For a few who knew me from/before the day I failed my marriage should know how devastated I was . I was broken, pathetic, lost, and pushed to the weakest point of my life. I lived in my own lonely little pathetic world (celibacy was part of it too) for a good one year.

But then I snapped out of it. HUGE thanks to my family and few of my friends who stood by me, helping me going through the worse time of my life. Kar who bought me a TV soon as I moved in to my own studio apartment. Sus who forced me to go get a vibrator to get through the celibacy time. Mel who gave me this silly book, sort of a guide, on how to be a BAD girl. Before I knew it, there I was having a buck fuddy, OK, two. ^-^

I learned my lesson the day I failed my marriage. Following the standard of a society is a good thing, but doesn't necessarily make one happy. Since then, I learned to live my life by whatever makes me happy. Sound selfish? Yes and No. It is a simple way of a person who wants to be happy. It is also my choice to make everyday a good day. To have a great time during miserable time. To be half full instead of half empty. It's my choice to laugh and not cry. To let go of hate and stop worrying so much. I learn to know that nothing, I repeat, NOTHING is a big deal. Because it doesn't matter how big of a problem I have, there's always someone else out there with a bigger problem. That's, my friend, when I know the exact meaning of "count your blessings".

Fast forward: Entering the 4th year of divorce anniversary *grinning*. Here I am. Stronger than ever. Bad ass for life. ^o^
[Monday, April 21, 2008]

Her mom and siblings and niece and nephew, movies, movies, movies, hats, unicorns, to smile and laugh, her friends, a Vinci Code, Mashimaro, manggo, black shirts, Gym, vodka-holic, tom Welling, dark chocolatte cuz its bitter, Korean language, Retro necklaces, Jeong ji-hoon, iPhones, Venice Beach, Nordstrom rack, hot guys with british accents, web design, Ebay, blogging (duh)

Pretentiousness, running (be in on a treadmill or outside), humidity, her left thumb, hypocrites, dangdut, hung-over, white shirts, tight pants, sandwich and salads, cowboy hats, black coffee, slow wifi