stories of some bad ass girl

l blah l theGirl l rants l oldStuff l linkies l

Welcome to my blog.
If you have this url, you're prolly one of the chosen ones.

By reading my blog, you agree to:
Have fun reading it.
Comment only if you must.
Bear with my randomness.
Not be judgemental. Not towards me at least.

• new years dealio

"I want to go to the happiest place on earth!"
"umm.. where's that?"
"DISNEYLAND!!"
"oh god.."
"Yay! And i'm gonna make you go on rides!!"
"wait.. what?!"

....

"If we go to disneyland on 31st and do the countdown at downtown disney, we be too tired the next day.. so.."
"BUT I STILL WANNA GO TO THE ROSE PARADE!"
"oh geesh, dude.. chill. alrite alrite, fine. I'm just saying.."
"Let's do disney on 30th then! Do the countdown in Pasadena, we can go bar hopping there. Then we can camp-out for the rose parade! I'll bring sleeping bag and.. "
"whatthe..?!"

• expensivening

thanks, sorry and let's move on.

no regrets

• a sound from the past

what is this? why all of a sudden he's being all nicey nicey with me? 2 years. it's been 2 yrs he didn't allow me to contact anyone. not one of his families. which i respected. i kept my promise. but nowadays.. i see and hear his name for too many times. whats with all the textings? talking about the past wouldn't make me any happier. in fact, it starts to bother me.

• griffith observatory

yesterday, i was bored. the weather was nice. i called up people to ask if they'd go to observatory with me. but everyone was busy doing their christmas shopping. im like, oh wells. screw it, i could go there by myself. so i went.

got to the LA zoo parking lot, went to the shuttle bus, waiting for 10 mins. finally got in to the bus, and rode to the griffith! they're temporarily not allowing people to go there directly. their 4 yrs of renovation has not completely done, they could only accomodate certain number of people, thats why everyone has to go through their reservation line to go there.

i got there when the sun was already gone. so i missed watching the sunset from up there. i went inside and started taking pics. its SO beautiful up there. i didnt get to explore the lower levels because i suddenly got a headache. i didn't get in to the planetarium either. bottom line, i didnt get to stay more than 2 hours.

here are some of the pics..

the bus ride back was painful though due to the Light Festival at the Griffith Park. all in all, i had fun. glad i went! but I want to go back!

• it's all about knowledge

you said:
- when she says "it's fine", it means, its NOT fine.
- she doesn't like ice cream, pizza, and sandwich
- she's hot, every time we go to a bar, some guys always want to buy her drinks
- she's always cold

i said:
- when he says "yes", it MAY mean no at a later time
- he eats everything. he likes to eat.
- he's handsome, i saw girls checking him out all the time. oh, my favorite is his nose. it's just a perfectly shapped nose. :-p
- he got the warmest hand

does that mean we're the perfect opposite? regardless, i like him. like a lot. and he does too. i mean, like me.

him: i apologize in advance okay? ill be very busy for the next 2-3 months.
me : you mean, you have to work on weekends too?
him: yah on some weekends, i may.
me : it's fine
him: no its NOT fine. i know you!
me : hehe. good. will i still see you though? on weekends, i mean.
him: yes. ill still call you, but i prolly wont be able to stay as late when we hang out. still like me?
me : hehe, yes. do you?
him: yes. like, how much?
me : like, a whole lot.
him: hehe cools. i like you like a lot lot lot too.

CORNY!

• i'm just.... happy.

thanks for dinner last night. great time, great talk. i'm so proud of you, really. you're trying.. and i like that. err i mean.. i like you. :-p

• i miss you :(

come back soon. call me when you get back in town. you sounded tired and sick. asthma and working too much! hope you feel better soon, and hope i could see on tuesday.

• hang in there please? for me?

i admit i know nothing about relationship. i suck at it. i'm sorry. i have lotsa shit going on right now. with work. and i hate the fact that she doesn't return all my calls so i can't get the paperwork done. i promise i'll be a better boyfriend to you. i learn a lot from you. i don't want to lose you over something that i could fix. you're the only good thing happening to me after all that happened the past year. i like you. a lot. i want to be with you. exclusively. i do. i totally understand what you're saying. i'll work on the stuff you said. just hang in there, ok?
[@ salami studio parking lot]

• The talk

Are you happy with me?
Do I make you happy?
Do you have fun?
When you're in a relationship, what do you expect of getting from your gf?
Is there anything that you want but not get from me?

I'm happy when you're around me. Once you're gone, you're gone. Like, invisible. Like you let no one in to your world. Ha. Am I being poetic or what? Being a workaholic is one thing, but I think you're different. You're like.. as I said.. living in your own world where no one is around. You still have to make time for me though. Your girlfriend, if thats what you want me to be. Do you see what I'm saying?

I have tons of things I want to lay out to you.. and I do it just because I want you to know. Not because I want you to do whatever I ask you to do. You decide whether the list is too heavy for you. Something you couldn't do. So I know. Whether the idea of us together is a good or bad one. Before it gets deeper, ya know. I'd rather know now than later. Again, this is me protecting myself from getting hurt.

* I want communication
* I want honesty
* I want compromise

It means, I want you to want to call me. I want you to want to know how I'm doing. To show that you care. You said you like me, but I guess you don't like me enough to call me. Remember you asked me once, if your worst is being late, would I be able to survive? Yes. I would. But your worst is not being late. Your worst is not communicating. You don't communicate. period.

If anyone, or any girl you're involved you in the past, let you not call them, let you only see you on weekends or maybe less than once a week, there are two reasons, either they're young and immature. Or they didnt care as much. They let you do whatever you want because they can do whatever they want behind your back. You're a nice guy. You trust pretty much everybody. When you cant see your girlfriend, thats cuz you have to work or cuz you have to see your family.. not because you're having fun somewhere else with some other girls. But were you sure whether they did the same thing to you? like, you knew they didnt do anything stupid behind your back?

Compromising. I don't want to change anything from you. I'm not about to. But there are things we can compromise especially when we're in a relationship, in order to make it work. Don't ya think? I know nothing about relationship but at least I know this much.

Meet me half way. I have no patience and you're late most of the times. So I could understand you're late, if you let me know why. Which is what you've been doing. And I try not to freak out when you're super late. I think I'm getting used to it too. So we're good..

I like to plan things. You're a last minute person. Fine. But stop ditching me for something else. Family is fine, cuz it's family. I won't do anything about it. It's like.. beyond my control. But other than that.. no. We dont always have to spend weekends together. Other girls prolly would expect you to. I mean, it's nice to spend it with you. But with me you don't have to. As long as you call me, I'm fine. I also try to be more understanding when you forget what plan we have.

I like telling you how I feel. You don't. Well this is like.. human nature. Girls like to talk about their feeling, guys don't. So I can't really ask much here. Hehe.

and one thing we have in common is.. we dont like to call. I dont. As much as I like talking, I don't like calling guys. But I do. To you, I do. And I want the same thing from you.

Just meet me half way, Jon. Compromise things we do or dun have in common. Ya know.

and I want honesty. About.. you know. I cant say it here in my blog cuz I know this is a sensitive subject, but I think its about time for me to know what is really going on. Don't ya think? Or should I let it go? And what happen to your divorce paper? Am I still dating a legally married guy?

You see the problem here? You see when it all started? It's when we agreed to be in an exclusive relationship. You asked me, I said yes. Now I don't know if that was such a good idea.

You, you're like.. the type of person who likes to think everything is fine. Until someone tells you that it's not. You're not ignorant. You just live in your own world thinking that everyone is happy. Again, you're like.. a happy laidback person. Thinking everyone is nice and trustable. No Jon, not everyone. You like to be in a relationship just for the sake of it without knowing what it takes to be in one. Clueless. And being clueless isn't working in my world.

What I'm trying to say is.. I'm working my ass off trying to make this work, that's why I'm bitching about it to you. I could just not care and take advantage of your trust and just have fun behind your back. You know.. I have the time, I have the opportunities.. But I don't want to do that. Rather than destroying what I have, I like to try to keep it.

But its not going to work if only one person trying to make it work. Relationship is about two people. It blows, sucks, needs lotta work but its fun at the same time.

So tell me. Tell me if its too much to ask. Tell me if the things I ask was too much to handle. Give it some thoughts. Me, I'm willing to try. I'm giving it or us a chance. But there's no point of me doing that if you don't.

• why am i crying when i drafted this email?

i was being serious about my not being ready for an exclusive relationship.
let's just say it's me, ok?
i don't like the sound of myself asking you to call me or checking up on me.
i sure do sound like nagging or begging. and i don't like it.
i know you're trying.. i know you do.
but for some reason, i feel like i'm asking too much from you.
what kind of girlfriend i am having to keep making you feel bad?
not a good one, of course. you see, i'm just not ready.

i expect so much from you. or my boyfriend. so it doesn't necessarily you. you may have tried your best to make me happy.
and i appreciate that. but i'm not happy enough. i feel miserable. and its not because of you. its me. i'm just a girl who wants so much.
and you can't seem to give it to me. again, it's not you. you are who you are, and im not about to change anything of you.
you're sweet. and i like you a lot. but i can't do this anymore..

so.. let's take a step back? please?
i do need some time to realize that this is something i'd want to put this much effort in to.

-trias-
-los angeles-

I've always been different growing up. My being the 3rd (middle) child might have added to it too, maybe. You know the old saying about being the middle child often has the sense of not belonging, the feeling of invisibility, which makes them try harder to get the attention from the parents to make them stand out more than the first and last child. They (read: experts and/or old people) even have it called a 'middle child syndrome'. I don't know... But yea, I grew up trying my best to annoy my parents, well, in my defense, I don't think I did it consciously. Compared to my other siblings, I wasn't the most polite child (my oldest sister was), nor the cutest (my youngest sister), and not even the worst (my brother haha!). Well, maybe I'm the second worst, which wasn't anything I should be proud of.

I grew up thinking I could do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. The sky was (and is) my limit. I was a tomboy and a bad kid too (I skipped school a lot during my junior high and finally got caught by my dad and boy did I pay much for it). I always love boys too. I know how to get them just by talking to them. I was (hopefully still is) a Miss Personality. I dated a lot. From one boy to another. I was obnoxiously flirty. My mom had (still has) problems with this "habit" of mine for liking boys so much. I always love English language. I wanted to travel overseas and spoke the universal language to anyone and everyone. I grew up knowing that if I speak English, everyone in this world would understand what I say. Make sense, right? Then I also always wanted to work in an office. I wanted to be a career woman, an independent woman who can afford anything on her own. I wanted to be bigger than the biggest.

Which isn't normal in any Indonesian culture guidebook.

By standards, an Indonesian woman is expected to be a good wife. Period. Oh yes, she can work, she can drive a car, she can play basketball, but at the end of the day, she MUST learn how to and become a good wife. Hey, first off, I'm not saying it's bad, I think it's great that a woman can be a good wife, but COME ON!! We, women, can become much more than that. We can be something bigger than that. Again, it's great to be a good wife, but when it's expected by the society, I think it's ridiculously silly. Human is human, regardless of its gender. We, women, should be allowed to have the same choices and opportunities as men, in any part of the world. Unfortunately, not in my part of the world. So yea, I'm fucked.

Before you punch me in the face for saying so, let me say this.

I tried.
No. Not just tried. I did what was expected of me as an Indonesian woman. Yes yes, I was married and did my best to be a good wife. Actually, I was a great wife. I did my best living my life by Indonesian standards. I was happy, but I turned into a different person who lived under a shadow of the person I was with. Yet, in my head, there's always this big question mark: Now what? Why do I feel lost being in this "happy" marriage? So, when the marriage fell apart, aside from feeling like the biggest failure in the face of the earth, I also felt..... relieved. Not happy, but relieved. For a few who knew me from/before the day I failed my marriage should know how devastated I was . I was broken, pathetic, lost, and pushed to the weakest point of my life. I lived in my own lonely little pathetic world (celibacy was part of it too) for a good one year.

But then I snapped out of it. HUGE thanks to my family and few of my friends who stood by me, helping me going through the worse time of my life. Kar who bought me a TV soon as I moved in to my own studio apartment. Sus who forced me to go get a vibrator to get through the celibacy time. Mel who gave me this silly book, sort of a guide, on how to be a BAD girl. Before I knew it, there I was having a buck fuddy, OK, two. ^-^

I learned my lesson the day I failed my marriage. Following the standard of a society is a good thing, but doesn't necessarily make one happy. Since then, I learned to live my life by whatever makes me happy. Sound selfish? Yes and No. It is a simple way of a person who wants to be happy. It is also my choice to make everyday a good day. To have a great time during miserable time. To be half full instead of half empty. It's my choice to laugh and not cry. To let go of hate and stop worrying so much. I learn to know that nothing, I repeat, NOTHING is a big deal. Because it doesn't matter how big of a problem I have, there's always someone else out there with a bigger problem. That's, my friend, when I know the exact meaning of "count your blessings".

Fast forward: Entering the 4th year of divorce anniversary *grinning*. Here I am. Stronger than ever. Bad ass for life. ^o^
[Monday, April 21, 2008]

Her mom and siblings and niece and nephew, movies, movies, movies, hats, unicorns, to smile and laugh, her friends, a Vinci Code, Mashimaro, manggo, black shirts, Gym, vodka-holic, tom Welling, dark chocolatte cuz its bitter, Korean language, Retro necklaces, Jeong ji-hoon, iPhones, Venice Beach, Nordstrom rack, hot guys with british accents, web design, Ebay, blogging (duh)

Pretentiousness, running (be in on a treadmill or outside), humidity, her left thumb, hypocrites, dangdut, hung-over, white shirts, tight pants, sandwich and salads, cowboy hats, black coffee, slow wifi