stories of some bad ass girl

l blah l theGirl l rants l oldStuff l linkies l

Welcome to my blog.
If you have this url, you're prolly one of the chosen ones.

By reading my blog, you agree to:
Have fun reading it.
Comment only if you must.
Bear with my randomness.
Not be judgemental. Not towards me at least.

• you want to know why i'm scared?

because i'm most vulnerable when i fall for someone. when i have feeling for this particular person and not knowing whether he has the same feeling. i'm one of those people who would do everything for the person i love. yes, i use the word love again. the thought of loving someone scares the hell out of me. it's like putting myself out there to get hurt again.

i also believe that the person who loves less controls the relationship. and i like to be in control. not in a bad controlling way. but in a way that i know when to say no, when to stop, when to tell myself to slow down, and when to control the feeling at my own term. it's ridiculous of course, because everyone knows feeling is not something anyone can control.

not only that i suck at relationships, i also know that relationships don't last. yea, bitter huh? but i guess i'll just have to take the risk. yet, i still can't believe i'm going to make myself vulnerable again. to him. i like him a lot. i miss him like crazy. i need to slow myself down.

• amusing moment

when i came back from the ladies room, i found a zac ephron looking kid sitting next to mellany on our table. he jokingly said he saved my seat from anyone else. cute #1. when i asked him what a 19 year old kid like him doing in a bar, he said he's seriously 22 and let us check his ID. haha! the conversation goes like this:

zac: see! i'm 22!
me: yea, you're still way too young for me
zac: how old are you?
me: i'm forty *calm*
zac: no way! you look young!! *looking really surprised*
me: thanks, yea these *pointing at my face and whole body* aren't real. had botox and everything else done.
zac: wow! really? cool! you don't look it! you got soft skin too *touching my left leg*
(at this point i realized he really is immature and dumb and gullible so i went on)
me: yea? thanks.
zac: ya, you look cute. what is that? *touching my bottom lip piercing*
me: my piercing
zac: cool! i never kissed a girl with lip piercing before
me: that's too bad. cuz you aint getting it from me either.
zac: ouch! hahaha.. ok fine.
me: ok zac, i gotta go.
zac: noo wait. why? stay here. with me.
me: no, my husband is waiting at home. and my two kids.

you shoulda seen his face. totally shocked. haha! that was fun.

{The Woods, Hollywood, Saturday 3/26/2008}

• there's no reason to freak out

i need to really kill this traumatized feeling i seem to have since forever. i lost faith in men for quite some time because of certain jerks. now i need to stay calm and think positive. there's no reason to freak out. absolutely not. look at this text.

"i don't like the option of not seeing you tonight. i miss you tons"

• i'm in trouble (read: like)

bad news. i'm in so much trouble. no wait, he is bad news. care to know why?

because..
he attacks me with little kisses all over my face when he sees me. he has the likeable superpower. he cooks good southern style meal. he got the most adorable dog in the face of the earth. he kisses me like he never kissed me before. his arms are to die for. he keeps me up all night with his cuddling self. he spoils me in any possible way. he touches my face when we kiss. he's smart as hell. he sees life as one big adventure. he led a hard life before and turned out great. he got these kind eyes that wrinkle when smiling. he's generous with his hugs. and when we hold hands, he hold mine like he would never let me go.

• pictures from reta's wedding

march 15, 2008 - marriott hotel, torrance ca
congrats, reta and harry! ;)

for more pictures click here

• no more

everything was so bright.
i felt like i was somewhere else.
everything was so loud.
i wanted to just stay quiet and listen.
everything was so slow.
and i felt heavy.
everything was so scary.
yet i saw the one my heart wanted me to see.
i was dead quiet, weak, scared and wanting to go home.

[hermosa beach 1830, no more 420]

• the scenario

She was walking down the Larchmont street when a guy with the kindest blue eyes came to her and asked "Hi, would you like to have coffee with me?". She looked at him curiously, gave him a dorky smile and said "No". There was a short silence before he asked again "Why not?". Still smiling, she replied "Because I have to be somewhere else now.... Tomorrow, maybe?"

[noho art district - saturday 4am - created by the blue eyed guy]

updated by phone (sun 10:27pm):
He was actually followed her for a good 30 minutes before making himself ask the first question. Yes, like a stalker type. ;)

• his first emails for the past 3 days

[Tue, 18 Mar 2008 10:04AM]
Morning sunshine!
Did you get your beauty sleep last night? :)
Hope you have a wonderful day!

-Brandon

~ ~
[Wed, 19 Mar 2008 09:25AM]
I want to kiss you!

-Brandon

~ ~
[Thu, 20 Mar 2008 11:31AM]
Pagi!
Hello Cantik!
Are you off tomorrow?

-Brandon

• the highlands pictures

this was so 2 weekends ago, when kartini, chad and i went to The Highlands in Hollywood for Sole-Cal Magazine grand opening party. just thought i haven't put up new pics of me in quite a while.. hehe narsis ya?

• i don't wanna jinx it but..

they're way too sweet to keep it to myself..

- he said he adores me
- he said i could come and see lucas whenever i want
- he would even leave the house keys under the mat for me if I want to play with Lucas
- he calls every night
- he emails me every morning just to say hi
- he wants to learn one indonesian word each night
- he has these kind blue eyes that lit up passionately when talking about movies
- he sounded cute when saying the word "cantik"

ok, i'll stop. for now. :o)

• the search is done..

and i'm now scared shitless. i swear to god, sweet guys scare me. yes, i'm talking about brandon. what am i gonna do now? :(

• the boys

i thought about this idea last night right before i fell asleep. i just thought it'd be funny to put up pictures of the 6 boys i've gone on dates with for the past 6 weeks. it's amazing how difficult it is to find a potential boyfriend these days. maybe it's the city, maybe it's my age, but whatever it is.. none of these boys are mine. or not yet at least. here they are..

the first three are the not so good ones (jeff, maxx, daniel), marked: gone. the rest are the ones that have a bit of potentials hehe (Josh, Damion, Paul)

and the one i'm going to meet tomorrow, the most mature of all (on the phone at least), the last candidate: Brandon

i'm sure one day when i read back my blog, i would laugh at this phase of my life...

• after this brandon guy, i'm done.

Since the beginning of february, I've been throwing myself in this so-called dating games. 6 new guys I've met so far, and one more to come this week. and i'm telling ya.. it's NOT easy to find a decent guy in LA! this town is so full of weird guys! well, i mean, out of the 6 guys I've met, I was only attracted to two. And it gets exhausting after a while.

Whats funny was.. (and I told this to two friends of mine) I was so silly too. Before i went to see josh, I've been talking to these guys over emails, i almost got him mixed up with brandon. i was busy too last week, so my mind was not really on the date itself. i wasnt expecting to like josh (after seeing 5 of guys before) like.. i thought i was gonna meet up brandon!! so, what i did was, i put a note on my cellphone of josh. like a description.

"josh, lives in redondo beach, works by McDonalds, cool with smoker, used to wrestle in college, close to his brother, and TALL"

Hahahaha.. Yea I was that bad. because josh was the most normal person in the email. he didnt try as hard as the other guys. so i didnt really pay attention to what he said in emails until RIGHT before i met him. I did my homework before our date though (ya know with the note on my cell) so i did pretty well on the date. i didnt slip out or anything. hehe

Thats when it finally hit me. like.. i cant do this. its too much work! so, one more guy this week, brandon. and thats it. which i almost turned down but he sounds so sweet and down to earth and been to indonesia, so i said yes to the date.

Out of the 6 (soon to be 7) guys i saw, only 4 that i still keep in touch. but only josh that im attracted to. its just that LA people are weird. i cant seem to figure out whether he's one of them or not. so far, my judgements on the other 5 guys have been proven wrong. i cant predict what they actually want. 2 out of the 6 were gone. the other 3, i told them honestly that if they still want to hang out as friends, then lets go for it. When I'm not attracted, I'd be honest that way. I don't want to be one of those who disappear. Not me. Also, I'm not like.. against having sex after few dates. but thing is.. I also want more. I could tell most of these guys want sex right away. I mean, they're guys, I get it. But I want a relationship now. It's hard to trust a guy who sees me sexually only after one date. And if I cant trust the guy from the very beginning, then tough for me to continue. plus guys who just want to have sex aren't worth keeping anyways.

so after this brandon guy, i'm done. i'm tired.

• shut up, stop whinning and get a life

i wished i could have said that today.
but i managed not to.
sometimes things are better left unsaid.
plus, i'm not that mean.

hateful mind won't get you anywhere, hon..
let it go..

• i think he deserves a post

josh. 32. owns his own business. headhunting. which is located 2 miles away from me. very laid back. soft spoken. used to wrestle in college. lives in redondo beach. drinks guiness. not super cute, but he got the blue-est eyes i've ever seen. from Kansas. close to his brother. doesn't like stain. dated thai girl prior. his birthday is on monday. doesn't have a myspace.

oh, and my favorite, he's 6'2"
ya i like 'em tall. ;)

• mel said he has the hots for me

EH: do you want to meet me in san franisoco
Me: hehe if i go to SF
Me: id want to see my buck fuddy
Me: then ill ignore you. i cant do that to you.
EH: ok
EH: I figgured
Me: hahaha
Me: unless you dont care if i dissapear at night
EH: I wouldn't normally care, but I would if I was paying for your room
EH: it's a guy thing
Me: i hear ya
Me: ill think about it.
EH: shit -- im out of wine

• crazy how vivid a dream can be

we were at the foodcourt of what looks like the west pavillion mall down in century city, when suddenly he saw me and waved at me. the conversation went like this:

hp: i just thought about you earlier. it woulda been nice if you quit your job, so you could come and see me here
me: then what? move in and live with you here?
hp: ....... (silent but looking at me with his hopeful smirky face) ..
me: yea exactly. hahaha. not gonna happen.

then i got up and left

i woke up thinking, aww he actually likes me back, but then my head tells me
"no-- you silly girl, the setting wasn't accurate, SF doesn't have century city. It was a dream"

dammit. :o)

• alcohol is evil

luke skywalker, perfect height 6'2", turns 25 on march 20th, never heard of indonesia and thought it being middle eastern country, had his friend paid for his drinks, still lives with his parents because of the "problem" he had in college, works at home depot, wants to become a cop, but has to wait for a year before registering because he used to smoke weed, and still does. And to make matters worse, he ate hotdogs at 2 in the morning, not one but two, and had me punch in my own digit on his cellphone because his hands were full and god forbid he'd drop them hotdogs!

what did i get myself into?? he's such a tool! NEXT!
i need to stop flirting while drinking! intoxication and flirting don't go together that well. alcohol is evil.. but fun! hahaha
[little temple, Silverlake, GNO]

-trias-
-los angeles-

I've always been different growing up. My being the 3rd (middle) child might have added to it too, maybe. You know the old saying about being the middle child often has the sense of not belonging, the feeling of invisibility, which makes them try harder to get the attention from the parents to make them stand out more than the first and last child. They (read: experts and/or old people) even have it called a 'middle child syndrome'. I don't know... But yea, I grew up trying my best to annoy my parents, well, in my defense, I don't think I did it consciously. Compared to my other siblings, I wasn't the most polite child (my oldest sister was), nor the cutest (my youngest sister), and not even the worst (my brother haha!). Well, maybe I'm the second worst, which wasn't anything I should be proud of.

I grew up thinking I could do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. The sky was (and is) my limit. I was a tomboy and a bad kid too (I skipped school a lot during my junior high and finally got caught by my dad and boy did I pay much for it). I always love boys too. I know how to get them just by talking to them. I was (hopefully still is) a Miss Personality. I dated a lot. From one boy to another. I was obnoxiously flirty. My mom had (still has) problems with this "habit" of mine for liking boys so much. I always love English language. I wanted to travel overseas and spoke the universal language to anyone and everyone. I grew up knowing that if I speak English, everyone in this world would understand what I say. Make sense, right? Then I also always wanted to work in an office. I wanted to be a career woman, an independent woman who can afford anything on her own. I wanted to be bigger than the biggest.

Which isn't normal in any Indonesian culture guidebook.

By standards, an Indonesian woman is expected to be a good wife. Period. Oh yes, she can work, she can drive a car, she can play basketball, but at the end of the day, she MUST learn how to and become a good wife. Hey, first off, I'm not saying it's bad, I think it's great that a woman can be a good wife, but COME ON!! We, women, can become much more than that. We can be something bigger than that. Again, it's great to be a good wife, but when it's expected by the society, I think it's ridiculously silly. Human is human, regardless of its gender. We, women, should be allowed to have the same choices and opportunities as men, in any part of the world. Unfortunately, not in my part of the world. So yea, I'm fucked.

Before you punch me in the face for saying so, let me say this.

I tried.
No. Not just tried. I did what was expected of me as an Indonesian woman. Yes yes, I was married and did my best to be a good wife. Actually, I was a great wife. I did my best living my life by Indonesian standards. I was happy, but I turned into a different person who lived under a shadow of the person I was with. Yet, in my head, there's always this big question mark: Now what? Why do I feel lost being in this "happy" marriage? So, when the marriage fell apart, aside from feeling like the biggest failure in the face of the earth, I also felt..... relieved. Not happy, but relieved. For a few who knew me from/before the day I failed my marriage should know how devastated I was . I was broken, pathetic, lost, and pushed to the weakest point of my life. I lived in my own lonely little pathetic world (celibacy was part of it too) for a good one year.

But then I snapped out of it. HUGE thanks to my family and few of my friends who stood by me, helping me going through the worse time of my life. Kar who bought me a TV soon as I moved in to my own studio apartment. Sus who forced me to go get a vibrator to get through the celibacy time. Mel who gave me this silly book, sort of a guide, on how to be a BAD girl. Before I knew it, there I was having a buck fuddy, OK, two. ^-^

I learned my lesson the day I failed my marriage. Following the standard of a society is a good thing, but doesn't necessarily make one happy. Since then, I learned to live my life by whatever makes me happy. Sound selfish? Yes and No. It is a simple way of a person who wants to be happy. It is also my choice to make everyday a good day. To have a great time during miserable time. To be half full instead of half empty. It's my choice to laugh and not cry. To let go of hate and stop worrying so much. I learn to know that nothing, I repeat, NOTHING is a big deal. Because it doesn't matter how big of a problem I have, there's always someone else out there with a bigger problem. That's, my friend, when I know the exact meaning of "count your blessings".

Fast forward: Entering the 4th year of divorce anniversary *grinning*. Here I am. Stronger than ever. Bad ass for life. ^o^
[Monday, April 21, 2008]

Her mom and siblings and niece and nephew, movies, movies, movies, hats, unicorns, to smile and laugh, her friends, a Vinci Code, Mashimaro, manggo, black shirts, Gym, vodka-holic, tom Welling, dark chocolatte cuz its bitter, Korean language, Retro necklaces, Jeong ji-hoon, iPhones, Venice Beach, Nordstrom rack, hot guys with british accents, web design, Ebay, blogging (duh)

Pretentiousness, running (be in on a treadmill or outside), humidity, her left thumb, hypocrites, dangdut, hung-over, white shirts, tight pants, sandwich and salads, cowboy hats, black coffee, slow wifi