stories of some bad ass girl

l blah l theGirl l rants l oldStuff l linkies l

Welcome to my blog.
If you have this url, you're prolly one of the chosen ones.

By reading my blog, you agree to:
Have fun reading it.
Comment only if you must.
Bear with my randomness.
Not be judgemental. Not towards me at least.

• pool party at ¡pɹɐpuɐʇs ǝɥʇ

yah, thats how they spell out the hotel name: ¡pɹɐpuɐʇs ǝɥʇ

and yours truly, si hitam dan keriting moi! :D

• random thoughts of the day

I seem to be logical when dealing with emotion then switch to be emotional when handling logical thinking.. which makes me.. umm.. complicated?

Then the question is.. Do I tend to complicate things?
Next question is.. Have I turned into one of those who over analyze things?

What happened to "taking it one day at time" trias that I am? Have I been telling myself some lies all this time? I've been TRYING to convince myself that "it is what it is" and telling myself to just "enjoy" and not let myself be bothered by it anymore.. but no shit, it ain't easy.

Maybe the key is on the word "trying".
I should just do..
I should just stop wanting to have a control over things..
and just let it be..

I swear I've had these thoughts before, and the fact that I still have them means I haven't let go, that I haven't really done anything..

• what I did today..

had my hair permed, curly perm.

kaya tante2 banget yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (^_^)

• circa may 11

Y: udah nih? marah sama aku?
X: nda
Y: aku udahan nih klo marah
X: nda
Y: nda nda mulu??
X: iya..... aq nda apa2 kok
Y: sakit?
X: km udah maem hon..
Y: sakit?
X: iya...perutku sakit.........blm minum obat....wkwkwk
Y: sakit?
X: km napa sich hon...??

Y: aku? aku sakit babe
Y: aku marah
Y: aku sakit
Y: kamu? sakit nda?

X: aq nda akan pernah nyakitin orang yg ku cintai dgn sengaja hon....
Y: akhirnya tetep aja sakit babe.. sengaja ato ngga sengaja

Y: kamu sakit nda?
X: iyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Y: kamu marah nda?
X: iyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Y: kamu sedih nda?
X: iyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Y: cinta cuman bawa amarah, sakit dan kesedihan.. buat apa?

• a "nice" distraction

who could be the one perfect candidate to distract me from the ongoing matta fever?
yes-yes.
my ex.
which ex you asked?
who else.. the almighty dart.

the dude has been texting me or chatting with me with the most random stuff I could possibly think of: from the weird taste of strawberry bobba he just had, to how he thought it was a Saturday while it was only Friday, to whether he should put chicken first or onion first to make a stir fry chicken.

yah, funny indeed.

What's even funnier was, he flirted. I swear I wasn't joking. He offered to train me to rollerblade and teach me how to swim. Again, he said. Like the old times, he said.

Wanna know what else is funny?

I'm meeting up with him this Friday.
Kwang kwaaaang..

• he IS my mcdreamy

so.. that evening...

He. Looked. Good.
As ever.

He stood there when I opened the door, hands in pockets. Smirking. That smirk. That flirty smirk, I'm tellin' ya. His hair is shorter, that soft wavy hair, pony tailed like always. The gold hoop in his left earlobe is still there, and his green eyes... were just.. dreamy, just like I remember!

He talked a LOT this time. He talked about his first year of vacation of not doing anything but watching TV, his 2 month work trip in India, his road trip from Argentina to Santiago to Chile, his visit to Kuwait to see his dad, and his sick (now dead) cat. Oh, it's Richard, his first name is Richard. I had to ask cuz I remember Matthew is his middle name that became his first name since forever ago. He asked me lotsa questions too, and -this is his habit btw- he would slide his hand on my back pocket then pull me closer to give me kisses and hugs in between my story-telling.

"Why not? It's you.. It's Trias! how can I not see you?"
"Why couldn't we have dated?"
"I'm doing it to cover your ass, thought you wanna keep it a secret"
"That's why I love you.."

..are the most memorable quotes I could remember after many-many tequila drinks we had.

Oh man.. look at me now, talking about him in a dreamy mode. It's Day 4 and I'm having a withdrawal.. Ugh. It happens every freakin time..

I knew I was gonna fall for him again. I just knew. I mean.. this is the very same guy who's been doing this to me since 2006! He never failed to make me crave for him more and more, and then I get myself heartbroken again haha.. I just don't learn, do I?

[matta, bj's-whiskeytown-courtyard newark ca, 5/14/2010]

• the infatuation continues..

even after two years apart.. you still have that much power on moi, it's SILLY! ugh, much as i dont want to admit it, but i sure wish you live close by.

and whether we want to admit it or not, we do have "history" together.
you, Sir HP, are that special.

• wall-to-wall

his:
..Setiap perkataan yg menjatuhkan...tak lagi ku dengar...
juga tutur kata yg mencela...tak lagi ku cerna dalam jiwa..
...Aku bukanlah seorang yg mengerti ttg kelihaian menbaca hati....
Aku hanya pemimpi kecil yg berangan tuk merubah nasibnya......

hers:
..Karena aku bukan hidup didunia mimpi..
"perkataan yg menjatuhkan atau mencela" itu adalah "realita"..
Bisakah nasib dirubah dengan mimpi?
Bisakah keadaan dirubah dengan tangis kesedihan?
Bicara angan, bicara mimpi, dan hanya memberi harapan kosong..
In the end, it hurts just the same.. :)

• guys, I'm tellin ya..

About a month ago, I met Kevin again at Little Temple bar. This is the same Kevin I went out on 2 dates with sometime ago. Things didn't work out because we both were still dealing with our past, to say the least. So we just kind of ehhh, whatever. But anyways... that night I saw him again, he was looking so cute, and I could tell he was following me with his eyes as he stood on his corner. He kept checking up on me every time he did a round the club. What I thought was cute was, he flirted with me on texts while I'm there! Then he also whispered in my ear "Make sure you say bye to me before you leave tonight, ok?"

In which I did. And he went to walk me back to my car, and we kissed. It was.. so cute. He said he wanted to start over with me, and do it right. He wanted to take me out to dinners and just hang out with me and ya know.. the whole shenanigans.

Since then, he be texting me, being all sweets. We would try to get together and all that, but this has been a month since, I still haven't seen him again. Why? Because one, our schedules don't match. He works at night and is off on Mon and Tue, while I work like normal people do. Two, I just don't see any real effort from him. He doesn't want to meet half way, he wants me to drive all the way out to his place. Umm.. no way jose. Then just today, we were supposed to meet up, right. He texted me at 11:47am, saying he's still in bed, not sure where we be meeting up and that he's low in funds.

Big turn-off, buddy! You're out.

• deeply sorry..

Oh my.. why is it that I can't seem to shake off this annoyance in my head.. I feel bad for being mean to you, for cutting you off short, for saying all those demeaning words to you; someone that I dearly and deeply care.

You know what they say, right.. Hurtful things are usually said by the people we love and care. I have been just that, and for that, I'm sorry.

• thought you were..

Too often, the thing you want most is the one thing you can't have. Desire leaves us heartbroken, it wears us out. Desire can wreck your life. But as tough as wanting something can be; The people who suffer the most, are those who don't know what they want.

I wish, for once, someone actually makes an effort to fight, to do all his might, to be with me. I thought you were that someone. For a minute there, I really thought you were.....

-trias-
-los angeles-

I've always been different growing up. My being the 3rd (middle) child might have added to it too, maybe. You know the old saying about being the middle child often has the sense of not belonging, the feeling of invisibility, which makes them try harder to get the attention from the parents to make them stand out more than the first and last child. They (read: experts and/or old people) even have it called a 'middle child syndrome'. I don't know... But yea, I grew up trying my best to annoy my parents, well, in my defense, I don't think I did it consciously. Compared to my other siblings, I wasn't the most polite child (my oldest sister was), nor the cutest (my youngest sister), and not even the worst (my brother haha!). Well, maybe I'm the second worst, which wasn't anything I should be proud of.

I grew up thinking I could do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. The sky was (and is) my limit. I was a tomboy and a bad kid too (I skipped school a lot during my junior high and finally got caught by my dad and boy did I pay much for it). I always love boys too. I know how to get them just by talking to them. I was (hopefully still is) a Miss Personality. I dated a lot. From one boy to another. I was obnoxiously flirty. My mom had (still has) problems with this "habit" of mine for liking boys so much. I always love English language. I wanted to travel overseas and spoke the universal language to anyone and everyone. I grew up knowing that if I speak English, everyone in this world would understand what I say. Make sense, right? Then I also always wanted to work in an office. I wanted to be a career woman, an independent woman who can afford anything on her own. I wanted to be bigger than the biggest.

Which isn't normal in any Indonesian culture guidebook.

By standards, an Indonesian woman is expected to be a good wife. Period. Oh yes, she can work, she can drive a car, she can play basketball, but at the end of the day, she MUST learn how to and become a good wife. Hey, first off, I'm not saying it's bad, I think it's great that a woman can be a good wife, but COME ON!! We, women, can become much more than that. We can be something bigger than that. Again, it's great to be a good wife, but when it's expected by the society, I think it's ridiculously silly. Human is human, regardless of its gender. We, women, should be allowed to have the same choices and opportunities as men, in any part of the world. Unfortunately, not in my part of the world. So yea, I'm fucked.

Before you punch me in the face for saying so, let me say this.

I tried.
No. Not just tried. I did what was expected of me as an Indonesian woman. Yes yes, I was married and did my best to be a good wife. Actually, I was a great wife. I did my best living my life by Indonesian standards. I was happy, but I turned into a different person who lived under a shadow of the person I was with. Yet, in my head, there's always this big question mark: Now what? Why do I feel lost being in this "happy" marriage? So, when the marriage fell apart, aside from feeling like the biggest failure in the face of the earth, I also felt..... relieved. Not happy, but relieved. For a few who knew me from/before the day I failed my marriage should know how devastated I was . I was broken, pathetic, lost, and pushed to the weakest point of my life. I lived in my own lonely little pathetic world (celibacy was part of it too) for a good one year.

But then I snapped out of it. HUGE thanks to my family and few of my friends who stood by me, helping me going through the worse time of my life. Kar who bought me a TV soon as I moved in to my own studio apartment. Sus who forced me to go get a vibrator to get through the celibacy time. Mel who gave me this silly book, sort of a guide, on how to be a BAD girl. Before I knew it, there I was having a buck fuddy, OK, two. ^-^

I learned my lesson the day I failed my marriage. Following the standard of a society is a good thing, but doesn't necessarily make one happy. Since then, I learned to live my life by whatever makes me happy. Sound selfish? Yes and No. It is a simple way of a person who wants to be happy. It is also my choice to make everyday a good day. To have a great time during miserable time. To be half full instead of half empty. It's my choice to laugh and not cry. To let go of hate and stop worrying so much. I learn to know that nothing, I repeat, NOTHING is a big deal. Because it doesn't matter how big of a problem I have, there's always someone else out there with a bigger problem. That's, my friend, when I know the exact meaning of "count your blessings".

Fast forward: Entering the 4th year of divorce anniversary *grinning*. Here I am. Stronger than ever. Bad ass for life. ^o^
[Monday, April 21, 2008]

Her mom and siblings and niece and nephew, movies, movies, movies, hats, unicorns, to smile and laugh, her friends, a Vinci Code, Mashimaro, manggo, black shirts, Gym, vodka-holic, tom Welling, dark chocolatte cuz its bitter, Korean language, Retro necklaces, Jeong ji-hoon, iPhones, Venice Beach, Nordstrom rack, hot guys with british accents, web design, Ebay, blogging (duh)

Pretentiousness, running (be in on a treadmill or outside), humidity, her left thumb, hypocrites, dangdut, hung-over, white shirts, tight pants, sandwich and salads, cowboy hats, black coffee, slow wifi