stories of some bad ass girl

l blah l theGirl l rants l oldStuff l linkies l

Welcome to my blog.
If you have this url, you're prolly one of the chosen ones.

By reading my blog, you agree to:
Have fun reading it.
Comment only if you must.
Bear with my randomness.
Not be judgemental. Not towards me at least.

• it's gonna be a loooong post.

*sigh* (belon mulai nulis, udah menghela napas duluan gw)
belakangan.. gw ngerasa, kok hidup gw berubah banget ya? ya dalam cara pikir, gaya hidup, kebiasaan gw, en cara ngomong.. sampe sampe, one of my guy friends bilang; "wow, you're so americanized"

am i really? i do think he didnt mean it in a bad way, but.. im not sure now whether it's a bad or good thing for myself. but anyways..

things have been doing pretty well. but still, i feel like something is missing. i dont know if its because i miss my family back home, or i just feel lonely. but check this out; as much as i love it living here in LA, i miss my mom and dad terribly lots of times. but, as much as i miss them, i couldnt picture myself living in indo again.

please don't get me wrong, not that i'm arrogant that i cant live there anymore, it's just that.. i've changed. i've changed a lot. i don't think people back home would be happy to see me out drinking and smoking, hanging out and coming home late at night sober or not sober. i don't think any company would hire me with the so called americanized professionalism. i don't think my mom and dad would be happy to see me having a dating-with-no-strings-attached relationship with guys. there would be lots of high expectations waiting for me.

.. and why am i talking about this? dunno.. no idea.

one, maybe because i just need to write. two, because i'm waiting for this stupid pda to update its software. its so freakin long. oh hey, let's talk about guys! like my friends say, im a bad girl in the making.. hehe

one; i'm really obsessed with this hockey player guy. oh, how i wish he lives in LA, then he be a perfect candidate of my playmate #1. i miss him dammit. and of course, knowing him, i be lucky if he even remembers me. ha. im such an idiot. ya know what's funny? me, imagining him coming to LA, and i'd be the girl he'd call the 1st time he arrives. then we'd be hanging out. yea rite. im lame, huh? hehe. ya know what else is funny? everytime i park my car, i couldnt help but thinking "hey, if he ever comes over, he could park his bike next to my car, since i got the biggest spot in the garage". im telling ya, im so lame. the thing with him is that, because he's so freaking good. i want to keep him around. the only problem is that, he doesnt live here! aarrgh!

two; so there is this guy, filipino guy, who's been in my list. hahaha. i'm working on it to get him attracted to me. im bad i know hehe. he's just gotten out of bad break-up. nasty break-up really. i feel bad for him. he's such a good guy, kind of a loner kinda guy. it's so hard to get a hold of him because it seems that he chooses to work longer hours at work to get over his problem. its his way to move on, i guess. but when he hangs out with us, he's so cool, funny, and fun! and oh how i like his child-like smile. he's tall too! well, ya know im a sucker for tall guys. but anyways, i have a feeling he knows im attracted to him. well duh? he should, just look at the way i act when he's around. haha. everyone could totally see i flirt with him all the way. ;)

three; EH? eeeekks. he's old news. we're good friends now. really good friends. im glad im over him. we still talk, but not as often. he's busy, im busy. but neither of us act stupid anymore. i think we both are over it now. phew.

four; chewy. boo. he's out. bad. sooooo bad. i can't even say how bad he is. he's cute and all, but man. what a jerk. selfish jerk. i wont waste my time with him. hell no.

five; my playmate. i will not disclose his name, for our sake. but fyi, he's good. he knows what he's doing. and thats all that matters. im keeping him for as long as i can. maybe until the hockey player moves to LA, which only GOD knows when. or maybe never. ha!

who would be number six, or seven or eight? hey! a girl should never count! haha.

im telling ya, i could never live in indonesia with the way im living my life now.

• today, one year ago.

ok so, last month, i made a decision to change my name back to my maiden name. i thought it only be fair that way. first i get tired of being called ms hunter. second, i really need to get this off of my back. it's history now. i'm no longer ms hunter. heck, i have NOT been ms hunter since forever ago.

in order to change my name, i will have to find my divorce paper. and i've been looking all over the place for it. not until today that i found that damn paper. and there it was, june 17 2005. wow. a year ago. it was today, one year ago.

at first i thought i'd be okay, but yet, i still feel pain in my heart just looking at it. i guess some things are just too painful to bear. and this was one of them. breaking up is one thing, but divorce.. is just unbearable for me.

• i'm obsessed!

amit amit de gw.. tengsin ndiri ni ceritanya!

saking sukanya 'mpe gugel (baca: google) potonya. 2 hari berturut ga nemu lewat gugel. akhirnya iseng nyoba lewat yahoo. eh, dapet. gw yakin itu team ice hockey-nya dia. sayang burem, mukanya ga keliatan jelas. ugh.

najez, senengnya kok ama orang yang ga jelas. sukanya ko' ama yang bertepuk sebelah tangan. kapan bisa tepuk pramukanya klo gini?! cuih.

• my desire overcame my fear

i for some, it may sound weird, but this is my life. i get to do whatever i want with it, as long as i'm taking care of myself. that's what i've been doing; taking care of myself. make sure i'm happy, secure, have my needs fullfilled. so, i shouldn't give a shit of what people say. hehe.

• jangan sakit2an terus ya..

sehat2 ya sayang. maem yang banyak biar cepet pinter. katanya uda mo pengen jalan2 terus yaa.. oh, wanna know one lil secret?

tante amerika kangen ama mas ian.

•

.....sometimes early in the morning today...
Jb: i saw the sleeping dictionary
Jb: i saw jessica albas SUSU
Me: HUAHAHAHAHA OMG
Jb: its the same word as filipino
Me: hahahaha its so funny coming out from you
Jb: her accent sucked but she looked good. as usual
Me: her acting sucks period. all shes good at is shaking that booty.. and now susu.
Jb: hahah. yes nice susu
Me: dude. im really laughing

.....few minutes later...
Jb: SUSU
Jb: im gonna say it around you all the time now
Me: HAHAHA
Me: i want to watch it. is it a porn movie? or just a movie but she just shows her titties?
Jb: its not even her susu
Me: HAHAHAHAHA dude
Me: im still cracking up to hear that word
Jb: haha i like it. i told you thats what im gonna say from now on
Me: you like what? susu? or the movie?
Jb: susu
Me: oh susu it is.
Jb: hahah

.....out of the blue, in the afternoon...
Lz: you have big susu..
Me: duuude HAHAHAHA
Lz: Jb.. is awesome. he's my homeboy. he told me.
Me: OMG

.....on the other screen...
Me: dude! what have you created! hahahaha
Jb: hahahaha. i had to tell my fellow filipino
Me: i cracked up. like.. she hasnt talked to me, all of a sudden she just said that
Jb: hahah im still laughing hahah
Me: me too hahahah
Jb: hahah this is awesome. the best IM conversation

note: you either have to be indonesian or filipino to get the joke. sorry.

• whoaa.. that was fun!

i dont remember the last time we had that much fun together. heck we barely talk to each other lately. simply for the fact that we just know that we need to cut it down. i mean, i do. for my own sake. but last night, it was nice. merely because i was already in the guy friend zone to you, i think. we're no longer in between friends and something more than friends. which i hated because we both tend to make a fool of ourselves towards each other. and ya know what, i like it like this. just friends.

I got to do 2 new things;
1. sitting on the passenger seat in my own car
2. the whole plan B experience. whoa. and you paid for friggin' everything!

i had so much fun just hanging out with you. you see, now, i will never forget you. good memories stays in my head. thank you. thanks much.

• when did it happen?

so i finally met this guy i've been talking to online and over the phone for the past 3 months last night. when we talked over IM or phone, we could talk for forever about pretty much nothing. we had fun talking to each other. we both agreed to not meet in person until both parties feel comfortable enough with each other. which was cool. and funny in a way, because he lives in hollywood which is just 3 miles away from me. but anyways, we then decided to meet last night. because i had dinner to go to with ji and allen and jon in burbank, and i would pass hollywood on the way back, i told him i'd meet him around where he lives.

when i saw him (we saw eachother's pics previously), i was like. oh.. he's sweet. short but pretty eyes. and he's kind. but i felt.. nothing. don't get me wrong, we still had lots of fun talking and had some drinks and all that. but i felt nothing. no interests whatsoever. he has become my friend. he passed that zone where i would flirt. believe you me, i would flirt when i like what i see. so it was weird. it was just too weird.

he has a potential to be a real good boyfriend. nice as hell. which got me thinking, what am i looking for really? because it seems like i'm more interested in players. bad boys. i-want-everything-but-commitment kind of guys. then later on, it hits me.

maybe because i also want everything but commitment from a guy?

-trias-
-los angeles-

I've always been different growing up. My being the 3rd (middle) child might have added to it too, maybe. You know the old saying about being the middle child often has the sense of not belonging, the feeling of invisibility, which makes them try harder to get the attention from the parents to make them stand out more than the first and last child. They (read: experts and/or old people) even have it called a 'middle child syndrome'. I don't know... But yea, I grew up trying my best to annoy my parents, well, in my defense, I don't think I did it consciously. Compared to my other siblings, I wasn't the most polite child (my oldest sister was), nor the cutest (my youngest sister), and not even the worst (my brother haha!). Well, maybe I'm the second worst, which wasn't anything I should be proud of.

I grew up thinking I could do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. The sky was (and is) my limit. I was a tomboy and a bad kid too (I skipped school a lot during my junior high and finally got caught by my dad and boy did I pay much for it). I always love boys too. I know how to get them just by talking to them. I was (hopefully still is) a Miss Personality. I dated a lot. From one boy to another. I was obnoxiously flirty. My mom had (still has) problems with this "habit" of mine for liking boys so much. I always love English language. I wanted to travel overseas and spoke the universal language to anyone and everyone. I grew up knowing that if I speak English, everyone in this world would understand what I say. Make sense, right? Then I also always wanted to work in an office. I wanted to be a career woman, an independent woman who can afford anything on her own. I wanted to be bigger than the biggest.

Which isn't normal in any Indonesian culture guidebook.

By standards, an Indonesian woman is expected to be a good wife. Period. Oh yes, she can work, she can drive a car, she can play basketball, but at the end of the day, she MUST learn how to and become a good wife. Hey, first off, I'm not saying it's bad, I think it's great that a woman can be a good wife, but COME ON!! We, women, can become much more than that. We can be something bigger than that. Again, it's great to be a good wife, but when it's expected by the society, I think it's ridiculously silly. Human is human, regardless of its gender. We, women, should be allowed to have the same choices and opportunities as men, in any part of the world. Unfortunately, not in my part of the world. So yea, I'm fucked.

Before you punch me in the face for saying so, let me say this.

I tried.
No. Not just tried. I did what was expected of me as an Indonesian woman. Yes yes, I was married and did my best to be a good wife. Actually, I was a great wife. I did my best living my life by Indonesian standards. I was happy, but I turned into a different person who lived under a shadow of the person I was with. Yet, in my head, there's always this big question mark: Now what? Why do I feel lost being in this "happy" marriage? So, when the marriage fell apart, aside from feeling like the biggest failure in the face of the earth, I also felt..... relieved. Not happy, but relieved. For a few who knew me from/before the day I failed my marriage should know how devastated I was . I was broken, pathetic, lost, and pushed to the weakest point of my life. I lived in my own lonely little pathetic world (celibacy was part of it too) for a good one year.

But then I snapped out of it. HUGE thanks to my family and few of my friends who stood by me, helping me going through the worse time of my life. Kar who bought me a TV soon as I moved in to my own studio apartment. Sus who forced me to go get a vibrator to get through the celibacy time. Mel who gave me this silly book, sort of a guide, on how to be a BAD girl. Before I knew it, there I was having a buck fuddy, OK, two. ^-^

I learned my lesson the day I failed my marriage. Following the standard of a society is a good thing, but doesn't necessarily make one happy. Since then, I learned to live my life by whatever makes me happy. Sound selfish? Yes and No. It is a simple way of a person who wants to be happy. It is also my choice to make everyday a good day. To have a great time during miserable time. To be half full instead of half empty. It's my choice to laugh and not cry. To let go of hate and stop worrying so much. I learn to know that nothing, I repeat, NOTHING is a big deal. Because it doesn't matter how big of a problem I have, there's always someone else out there with a bigger problem. That's, my friend, when I know the exact meaning of "count your blessings".

Fast forward: Entering the 4th year of divorce anniversary *grinning*. Here I am. Stronger than ever. Bad ass for life. ^o^
[Monday, April 21, 2008]

Her mom and siblings and niece and nephew, movies, movies, movies, hats, unicorns, to smile and laugh, her friends, a Vinci Code, Mashimaro, manggo, black shirts, Gym, vodka-holic, tom Welling, dark chocolatte cuz its bitter, Korean language, Retro necklaces, Jeong ji-hoon, iPhones, Venice Beach, Nordstrom rack, hot guys with british accents, web design, Ebay, blogging (duh)

Pretentiousness, running (be in on a treadmill or outside), humidity, her left thumb, hypocrites, dangdut, hung-over, white shirts, tight pants, sandwich and salads, cowboy hats, black coffee, slow wifi