stories of some bad ass girl

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Have fun reading it.
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Bear with my randomness.
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• Day #30 - Final post of the month

For the last day of self-reflection as my way of celebrating me turning 40, I decided to write a letter to my younger self.

Dear T,

Let me first tell you, everything will be fine. Future can be fearful and worrisome, but believe me, you will turn out fine.
Don't despise your parents for all the house rules and discipline. They're the only reason why you don't end up doing drugs :D
Be respectful and grateful of your parents. One day you'll find out not everyone is as blessed to have a happy family like yours.
Study harder, one day you'll regret for not holding even a bachelor degree, eventhough you'll still make decent money.
Be courageous -- stand up for yourself. Next thing you know, you'll be somewhere far far away from home working towards your own happiness.
Have more patience. Rushing into things is one of the reasons why you can't keep a relationship long enough :p and,
Don't be so hard headed. You'll get into a lot of heartbreaks because of that.
Choose your friends wisely. The ones pointed fingers at you during and after your divorce, yes them judgmental people, let them go. So not worth your time.
Be more mindful and don't assume. You might let that one special person get away. But it's okay, someone better will come along.
Don't be so hard on yourself. Being a control freak doesn't get you anywhere.
Keep that chin up and smile more. People already label you as being strong, might as well keep that up.
Enjoy love, but don't be drown in it. Even the person you love the most will hurt you.
Love yourself more, I understand during painful time, you go into partying mode. Have fun, give it a time, then stop. That habit may kill you. Promise me you'll stop.
Lastly, age is just a state of mind. Ignore and stop counting the grey hair. Celebrate being 40, celebrate life. Because it's too short and it's so worth living.

Love, me

• Day #29

As each year passes, I understand my parents more. I become closer to them than I've ever been. They have been my rock and the place to go home to for guidance and advise. No matter how old I am, I'm still their child.

• Day #28

Life has been like German Chocolate cake: complicated and not easy to make but distinctive, full of chocolate , 'nut'y, and rich in taste!

#episode making memories: C&O Canal, M Street, Sprinkles Cupcakes

• Day #27

Just realized that the decade of my teen years is no longer considered "embarrassing" but it's now called “retro” and “cool”.
Not a good feeling :D

• Day #26

Being carded for a Bloody Mary at the Buffalo Wild Wings made me feel young(er).
Umm.. Maybe forty is the new twenty?
No?
Pushing it? ;)

• Day #25

My back, knees and upper shoulders are now better at predicting the weather than any meteorologist in the world. I do feel 40 today.

• Day #24

At age 40, I am more certain that I know less than I think I do. Yup :D

• Day #23

Call me late, but yes, I’m starting to put money away for my retirement. Every time I put money into my IRA, I visualize my future vacations. I used to think of it as a meaningless chore, but now I see it as taking care of my future self. Better late than never! I feel like an adult now. Haha!

• Day #22

Look what I got in the mail today! I may not have a child of my own, but I'm blessed to have niece, nephew and close friends with beautiful children whom I adore. Love you, Key!

• Day #21

It took me years to realize this: "Comparison is the death of joy" Mark Twain. I'm incomparable and I stopped comparing myself to others. It's like, an insult to myself. Don't you think? Plus, I don’t know what someone else is going through. I'd just be happy with what I have.

• Day #20

It was just 6 years ago that I learned my passion for photography. I see it as an energy that keeps me going, that keeps my life filled with meaning, happiness, excitement, and anticipation. Such is life, it takes practice. I must get back to doing it more.

• Day #19

I paid off one of two credit cards today as my birthday present to myself. One credit card to go! Debt, I tell ya, is toxic. The experience of paying it off though can be an incredibly eye-opening one. Soak it up for all it’s worth.

• Day #18

You know you're getting old when all you want for your birthday is a cutlery set. I love them too. Crazy.
#domesticated #defly40

• Day #17

During today's practice, I thought "I wish I started liking yoga since teenager. I would've been way more flexible, fit yet calm" I guess if I keep practicing, I'll be just that by age 50. Haha!

• Day #16

Being single at my age (though not available nor looking), of course I have plenty of time for myself. Do I allow it is another story. I'll do better tho'.. Life is too short to be doing just work with no play. I just have to make time and allow myself to recharge and refresh. Yes, Tampa. Tampa did really well and I am having a withdrawal.

• Day #15

Those wrinkles weren't there yesterday. BUT! I call them "story of my life experiences". It's a sign that my life has been filled with experiences and each wrinkle is simply a place my face has created to store that experience.

• Day #14

Today is the D-day. I feel like I've lived so damn long, yet know very little about life. But, I know one thing.. I have to be me. I can only rock what I got. And that's how I'm going to welcome my 40th year on this planet. I'm going to celebrate it exactly as I want to -- I'm going to quiet all the outside voices and finally let mine do the talking.That's what being 40 is all about -- doing what I want and living life on my own terms. Yay me!!

Btw, my phone died soon as I landed in Tampa on Friday and guess what, I could care less! There's no way I let such thing ruin my birthday weekend. This is new. You see, I'm finally growing up! Haha!

• Day #13

Phone died, am using the bf's iphone, so I'll make it quick. I found more gray hair this morning, a day before I turn 40. Fun. BUT, seriously, I embrace every strand of gray hair. Time stops for no one, I have no choice but to embrace what's more to come!

Making memories in Tampa! Here's the proof!

• Day #12

Life has its ups and downs, but no matter how difficult the day is, I learn to always find something to be thankful for. My perspective changes soon after. Btw, leaving for Tampa tonight!! w00t!!

• Day #11

Leaving Indonesia to live in US was not the biggest but it was definitely the BRAVEST decision I've made in my life. Since then, I've progressed, failed, picked myself back up for more progress to come. I was never one to feel afraid to move out of comfort zone. Some of my best life experiences and opportunities came to me only after I dared to lose. This month marks 15 years since I first landed in this country. Despite of what the ungrateful US borns say about this country (I mean, try living in a 3rd world country like me then move out here, ha!), I came to love USA just as much as I love Indonesia. This very day 5 years ago, I was naturalized and became a US citizen. I cried as I heard the Star Spangled Banner song being played as we were sworn in. Boy, time sure flies.

• Day #10

This is just another thing I learned over the years: Not everyone will appreciate what I do for them. Therefore, I just gotta figure out who’s worth my attention and who’s just taking advantage of me. I'm blessed have a good set of good, non-judgmental, fun, loving, trustworthy circle of friends. I don't call them friends anymore, they're my FAMILY.

On another note, Happy Birthday to my one and only nephew, ADRIAN. Love you!

• Day #9

Okay. Today's self reflection would be this.. "Prove yourself to yourself, not others"
I used to compare my progress in life with that of others. I know better now. We all need our own time to travel our own distance. It’s perfectly OK to be different. Today, the only person I should try to be better than, is the person I was yesterday.

• Day #8

I'm definitely not the person I was in my twenties up to mid thirties. Life experiences taught me a whole lot since. No more crazy partying or getting drunk, trying to figure out life, busy making plans, trying to be the person I desperately wanted to be. Now, I feel a lot calmer, more experienced, more "successful". I don't know if I am where I am "supposed" to be, --- I've got no husband and no kids, definitely nothing expected by the norms --- but I'm happy.

• Day #7

Today, I set my intention at today's yoga practice to be worry-free as I tend to worry a lot, maybe because I'm a woman, or maybe I'm just built that way... but I learned and still learning one thing: Move on. I need to stop letting things bother me. If a problem can be solved, there’s nothing to worry about. If it can’t be solved, worrying is useless.

• Day #6

I used to be so busy planning my life that I sometimes forget what's right in front of me. Not anymore. When life is good, I enjoy it. To a point where I actually stop to smell the flowers during my walk from car to the office on a busy Monday. Damn right, I do. Happiness never comes to those who don’t appreciate what they have. I learn and now am willing to loosen my grip on the life I have planned so I can enjoy the life I have now. That's some grown up shit, aint it?

• Day #5

Growing up, I was constantly seeking validation from others. Enough of that now. I am GOOD enough, SMART enough, FINE enough, and STRONG enough. I don’t need other people to validate me; I'm valuable already. I am ME and that’s the beginning and the end - no apologies, no regrets. That's right! :D

• Day #4

Those who know me know I joke and laugh a whole lot. I laugh at myself often too. Sometimes I laugh because I'm done worrying about silly stuff. It keeps me from seeing things too seriously. Life is way better when you see it with a smile anyways. Read it somewhere: "If you can laugh at yourself, you can forgive yourself, and if you can forgive yourself, you can forgive others."

• Day #3

Day #3 of self-reflection operation: I embrace the fact that I’ve only lived 1/3 of my adult life and Insha Allah have plenty more to go. Now it's all about making more memories, with the people who want to be in it. If not, no biggie. I just want to be around the people who make me smile anyways Those are the ones who help me love myself more, which sadly in the past, are the people I take for granted. But, no more of that. I will never be too busy for those who matter the most!

• Day #2

I refuse to be my own biggest critic anymore. I’m tired of beating myself up for saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing, and making mistakes. What happened yesterday – and 10 years ago, 20 years ago – is done. Now, let me pat myself in the back and say "Well done, Trias" :D

• Day #1

Ahh.. September is here. I love it -- my favorite month of the year. So, I'll blog one post a day all month of September, as my way of embracing and celebrating me. ;)

Day 1 - Turning 40 this month (gasp!) but...so what. Time for self reflection without judging myself for I've done enough of that years before. I'll be more kind to myself, even if it upsets other people, even if it sets me apart from the crowd.

-trias-
-los angeles-

I've always been different growing up. My being the 3rd (middle) child might have added to it too, maybe. You know the old saying about being the middle child often has the sense of not belonging, the feeling of invisibility, which makes them try harder to get the attention from the parents to make them stand out more than the first and last child. They (read: experts and/or old people) even have it called a 'middle child syndrome'. I don't know... But yea, I grew up trying my best to annoy my parents, well, in my defense, I don't think I did it consciously. Compared to my other siblings, I wasn't the most polite child (my oldest sister was), nor the cutest (my youngest sister), and not even the worst (my brother haha!). Well, maybe I'm the second worst, which wasn't anything I should be proud of.

I grew up thinking I could do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. The sky was (and is) my limit. I was a tomboy and a bad kid too (I skipped school a lot during my junior high and finally got caught by my dad and boy did I pay much for it). I always love boys too. I know how to get them just by talking to them. I was (hopefully still is) a Miss Personality. I dated a lot. From one boy to another. I was obnoxiously flirty. My mom had (still has) problems with this "habit" of mine for liking boys so much. I always love English language. I wanted to travel overseas and spoke the universal language to anyone and everyone. I grew up knowing that if I speak English, everyone in this world would understand what I say. Make sense, right? Then I also always wanted to work in an office. I wanted to be a career woman, an independent woman who can afford anything on her own. I wanted to be bigger than the biggest.

Which isn't normal in any Indonesian culture guidebook.

By standards, an Indonesian woman is expected to be a good wife. Period. Oh yes, she can work, she can drive a car, she can play basketball, but at the end of the day, she MUST learn how to and become a good wife. Hey, first off, I'm not saying it's bad, I think it's great that a woman can be a good wife, but COME ON!! We, women, can become much more than that. We can be something bigger than that. Again, it's great to be a good wife, but when it's expected by the society, I think it's ridiculously silly. Human is human, regardless of its gender. We, women, should be allowed to have the same choices and opportunities as men, in any part of the world. Unfortunately, not in my part of the world. So yea, I'm fucked.

Before you punch me in the face for saying so, let me say this.

I tried.
No. Not just tried. I did what was expected of me as an Indonesian woman. Yes yes, I was married and did my best to be a good wife. Actually, I was a great wife. I did my best living my life by Indonesian standards. I was happy, but I turned into a different person who lived under a shadow of the person I was with. Yet, in my head, there's always this big question mark: Now what? Why do I feel lost being in this "happy" marriage? So, when the marriage fell apart, aside from feeling like the biggest failure in the face of the earth, I also felt..... relieved. Not happy, but relieved. For a few who knew me from/before the day I failed my marriage should know how devastated I was . I was broken, pathetic, lost, and pushed to the weakest point of my life. I lived in my own lonely little pathetic world (celibacy was part of it too) for a good one year.

But then I snapped out of it. HUGE thanks to my family and few of my friends who stood by me, helping me going through the worse time of my life. Kar who bought me a TV soon as I moved in to my own studio apartment. Sus who forced me to go get a vibrator to get through the celibacy time. Mel who gave me this silly book, sort of a guide, on how to be a BAD girl. Before I knew it, there I was having a buck fuddy, OK, two. ^-^

I learned my lesson the day I failed my marriage. Following the standard of a society is a good thing, but doesn't necessarily make one happy. Since then, I learned to live my life by whatever makes me happy. Sound selfish? Yes and No. It is a simple way of a person who wants to be happy. It is also my choice to make everyday a good day. To have a great time during miserable time. To be half full instead of half empty. It's my choice to laugh and not cry. To let go of hate and stop worrying so much. I learn to know that nothing, I repeat, NOTHING is a big deal. Because it doesn't matter how big of a problem I have, there's always someone else out there with a bigger problem. That's, my friend, when I know the exact meaning of "count your blessings".

Fast forward: Entering the 4th year of divorce anniversary *grinning*. Here I am. Stronger than ever. Bad ass for life. ^o^
[Monday, April 21, 2008]

Her mom and siblings and niece and nephew, movies, movies, movies, hats, unicorns, to smile and laugh, her friends, a Vinci Code, Mashimaro, manggo, black shirts, Gym, vodka-holic, tom Welling, dark chocolatte cuz its bitter, Korean language, Retro necklaces, Jeong ji-hoon, iPhones, Venice Beach, Nordstrom rack, hot guys with british accents, web design, Ebay, blogging (duh)

Pretentiousness, running (be in on a treadmill or outside), humidity, her left thumb, hypocrites, dangdut, hung-over, white shirts, tight pants, sandwich and salads, cowboy hats, black coffee, slow wifi