stories of some bad ass girl

l blah l theGirl l rants l oldStuff l linkies l

Welcome to my blog.
If you have this url, you're prolly one of the chosen ones.

By reading my blog, you agree to:
Have fun reading it.
Comment only if you must.
Bear with my randomness.
Not be judgemental. Not towards me at least.

• after all, he's not that bad of a person..

it surprises me, really, to find how much he cares. i know that he has a part on this whole deal, but some people woulda been completely gone detached. he, he doesn't. he actually cares enough to call and check up on me. just to make sure i'm doing alright. and offers me a help. so, thanks. i appreciate the attention. really, i do. i wished things coulda been different. i wished he woulda treated me this way all along. if he did, just for a quick second i thought, things woulda been different. maybe not better, but different.

after all, he's not that bad of a person. :)

•

I don't know how you did it, I'm not sure what you're capable of.. all I know is, when I'm with you, I feel.. safe. I'm home. And it's warm inside here. You may never know what's been on my mind lately, but you sure know how to make me feel that everything is going to be just fine, as long as I'm with you.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for ever having doubt. I feel like I'm such a loser. I don't deserve you now, but I'll make it all well worth for you in the end. Again, I'm sorry.

•

One sad thing about this world is that the acts that take the most out of you are usually the ones other people will never know about.
~ Anne Tyler

• ied mubarak 1427 H

minal aidin wal faidzin. mohon maaf lahir batin.

i gotta admit, this year is the worst ied i've ever been. yes, i've been bad. thats why i broke down a little. gosh. i need to get it together and back to whoever i was. i seemed to be a way better person. or was i, really? who knows.

• we're not meant to be...

taken pics together :o). thanks to silly mellany who doesn't know how to take 'em pictures! o'wells. i still think we look cute together... in the darkness! ha!

• i'll wait..

i'm not asking you to do it for me. but for yourself. i'm not asking you to do it tomorrow either. or anytime soon. just whenever you are ready, ok? i'm laying it out there for you to see that it IS necessary to finish everything before i could go around and tell people about us. as much as i like you, as much as i realize that the more i see you the more chances of my falling in.. love with you, there's part of me that... hesitates. and you know exactly why. i'm sorry if i upset you. it's not "just" a piece of paper. that piece of paper means a lot. to me, and most importantly.. to you. i know you prolly don't want to deal with her anymore, let alone having to talk to or possibly meet her. i know and understand how you feel. been there done that. it would be awkward. a lil painful maybe. but maybe that lil awkwardness and painfulness would worth every second. because it could be for the last time and for good, then you dont have to deal with it anymore. and in the end, you'd be free.

then, i could go ahead do whatever you've asked me to do. talk to my parents about us. tell my family about you. introduce you to my friends as my boyfriend.

but before i could do that, you do what you need to do.

til then.. i'll wait.

• sorry for freaking out

are we just dating?
am i your boyfriend?
can i tell my parents about you?
when are you telling your parents about me and us?

your questions sometimes.. put me on the spot. place me in an awkward position where i know that no matter what my answers were, they wouldn't be the best answers. i like you a lot. alot that there'd be a chance that i might .. love you. ya know, like in the future. but i'm protecting myself from getting there. call me selfish, but there's one thing i'd want to make sure before i could call you my boyfriend; i want to make sure that.. you don't have anything else that would tie you to your past. your ex. i'm not being insecured. i'm not saying this because i worry you'd get back with her one day. no. not that. but i want to make sure you're clear. that you're done. that one day you wouldn't have to deal with her anymore. legally.

thats the only thing that's holding me back. sorry, i'm selfish that way.

• the pressure is on!

how cute. everyone (read: mom, brother, sister, and sister in-law) knew about me by now. you, you, young man, voluntarily told everyone about me. even showed them my pictures! and you, you got the nerve teasing me that there were pics of my being drunk! aaaahhhhhhh! and you laughed when i freaked out. cute. very cute.

NOT.

gosh. talking about pressure..

you're so lucky you're cute. :o)

• blah

i feel blah today. maybe cuz the pms. maybe its my crappy job. i dont know. i just feel BLAH! i feel down for i dont know why. i cried for no reason last night. weird. i swear its the pms. but maybe cuz im just too frustrated. its lame. i'm lame. whatever.

• am i good enough for you?

this is ridiculous. i, trias, find myself thinking endlessly of you. even when i'm hanging out with my friends at a crowded club. the loud music and few drinks usually kept me busy. but noooo.. not this time. i found myself drunk-dialed you. big mistake. especially when i knew you're hanging out with your family. now i feel like a big loser. i shouldn't have done that. i know you'd be cool about the whole thing, but i wont be. gosh. what was i thinking. sorry. im very sorry. i hope i didn't mess things up.

with you, i feel like i'm always the screwed up one. maybe i'm just overthinking the whole thing. i just don't know how to deal with a relationship anymore. i've been bad with guys before i met you. they were all jerks. and now that i met you, i no longer know how to work it out. it's been 2 yrs since my divorce, and then you, you came along, and you seem to have an expectation from me. which scares the hell out of me. i feel like, what have i done right all this time to deserve such a good man, like you.

you, you hold my hand walking on the streets, in the movie, in the car. you kiss my cheek before you leave. you give me the warmest hug i've ever gotten from a guy. you cup my face when you kiss me. you laugh at my lame jokes. you drive in the rain, bringing me thai food for dinner. you told your mom about me. you look into my eyes when you say you like me.

and yet, here i am. scared.

•

so you told your mom about me huh? hmm.. interesting. yet scares me. not in a bad way. i'm just.. scared. it's been a while, ya know, since i have a guy around me that's being so nice and sweet to me. you remind me alot of dart. but in a more cute way. i may like a lot of guys since my broke-up with dart, but i never dated any of them. i never was putting all myself out there, risking it to be hurt again. not until i met you. so yea, i'm scared. but i like you. a lot. yet, i dont think im ready to tell my own mom about you. not until im sure where we're heading from here. and thanks for your understanding on this.

• sent!

From: trias
To: jon
Date: Oct 13, 2006 1:17 PM
Subject: aarghh!
-----
i miss you and i hate my job.
i can really have some drinks, like, rite now. well, maybe two. i mean, three!
oh, and i also want to see you.
wanna go see the grudge 2 with me tonite? or tomorrow? whichever days work for you.
yes, i just asked you out.
hey, 's not my fault that you're cute enough for me to ask you out!

i'm weird. i know. well, you prolly know that too already.

the end. :o)
-t

• anak durhaka

baru bisa nelpon bapak ibu sekarang.. setelah, oh geesh, i dont know, too many times i tried to call, but my sucky calling card just didnt work. ampe ga sempet ngucapin selamat puasa kemaren tu sebelon ramadhan. yea, call me anak durhaka. mana gw ga bisa pulang lagi taun ini..

note to self: jangan pul-kam 2 kali setaun kaya' taun lalu. hasilnya, taun ini ga bisa pulang! siyaaal!

well, even if i want to, i dun have the money and the vacation days anyways. so, no go either way.

but im glad i finally was able to talk to both of them. gosh, miss them much!

• congratulations

what would you say to a friend, a really good friend, a best friend to be exact, when she told you that she's pregnant? congratulations, rite? well, not me. i just... didn't say anything. or did i refuse to say anything?? seriously, i just dont want to say anything. if i dont have nice things to say, i choose to shut the hell up. i know it doesnt matter what i think.. but i think its not a good idea to have a child when the marriage is failing. im not saying it for her. im saying it for the baby. she's sad and depressed all the time (at least everytime she emails or texts me), always worries about where her husband is, or why he's not coming home for 2 nights in a row. i think thats not a good condition to have a baby.

im so sad for her everytime i hear from her. seriously, never did i hear she's happy. which makes me frustrated at times. and now, shes carrying this jerk's baby.. dammit. i feel like i wanna choke her. i think she got too much of patience. 2.5yrs putting up with a husband cheating on her with the same woman, and who doesnt come home every now and then, which of course, she knows where he is everytime he doesnt come home. COME ON!!! im pissed. but who am i? i shouldnt be pissed off. its not even my life. and i know.. in the end, it doesnt matter what i think, because, if this is what makes her happy, i should be happy. but i dunno. i just feel like.. she does it to keep the husband in the marriage. somehow she thinks the baby can fix the marriage. but thats just what i think. i dun really know what she thinks.

so am i a good friend? because in the end, i guess i just have to say whatever she wants to hear from me. which is, congratulations.

i just hope now this fucking jerk would come on his sense. and starts taking some responsi-fucking-bility.

update: sent an email. yes, i was being sweet. i promised myself to mind my own bidness. i know its her life and i should be happy for her nomatter what. after all, as a friend, all i could do is support her. at all times at any conditions.

assalamualaikum wr. wb.

selamat ya mey.. sorry gw ga langsung bales sms elo.
cellphone gw ngadat. gara-gara 2 bulan lalu telpon gw sempet ilang, eh kemaren tiba2 diblock. tolong ya.. telats dan lelets.

gimana, uda ke dokter may? hasilnya beneran positive-kah? elo seneng dunks?
uda jalan berapa minggu? akhirnya, pembuahan jarak jauh dari gw, berhasil juga ya? hahaha!
gw ikutan seneng kalo elo seneng may.. jaga baek2 kandungan elo.. gw doa'in semoga elo en bayi elo sehat.
email ke gw kalo ada perkembangan apa apa.. kirimin gw photo2 hamil elo. hihi..
gw kagets juga denger elo hamil. bukan maksut hati gw mo menghamili elo.
serius nih, take care of the baby for me, will ya? gw ntar insya Allah pulang taun depan, bisa liyat bayi elo. kalo berkumis kaya gw, ya sori. ga sengaja. hahaha!
ok sorry, i'll stop joking. hehe

beneran, moga2 elo sehat. moga2 kandungan elo sehat. jaga baek2 ponakan gw yak.
si Aa' gimana? udah tobat-kah?

ya uwis, gitu ajah. email gw, klo sempet. otreh?

luv ya!
trias

ps. gw lagi deket ama cowo. (iya, lagi) hihi.. ntar deh, klo dah resmi jadian, gw kirimin potonya. ;-)

• first date

i'm trying to think of.. when's the last time i went on a date? i mean.. the real one. with someone i really really like, and end the night just the way a date should be ended. gosh, i dont even remember! it's been a looooong time, i guess. maybe with dart, long time ago. but even then, we were already married. so, i already loved him.

last night was... cute.

you picked me up. we had a slow dinner, talked about travelling together to japan and england in the future. then, walked around the grove while waiting for the movie. you, and your cuteness-self had to have some icecream too! hehe. I thought that was cute when you held my hand while the other hand was holding the icecream. you refused to let go off me eventhough you had a hard time finishing it with its leaked cone. hehe.

the movie was grrreat! nicholson, dicaprio and damon were awesome. aside from the fact that it was super graphic and violent and we had to stand in line for half an hour to get good seats. i had fun watching a movie with you. especially, you and your hand holding mine for the whole 2hrs and 45mins long movie. what is up with you and holding my hand all the time anyways? -oh no, i'm NOT complaining, just saying.. and somewhat wondering-

..and you took me home, gave me the warmest hug i could possibly get, and a sweet kiss goodnight. and thats it.

now, i have this ear to ear smile on my face everytime i think of you. :)

• "i'm pursuing you!"

@ walgreens, earlier at 6:10pm

ja: so, what you doin tonite?
tm: umm, nothing. just being lame, cleaning the house and all that
ja: hehe.. ok. so, i'm pursuing you!
tm: huh? HAHAHAHAH! you're too cute!
ja: what? you said i should be more pursuing. so there.. i'm asking you out. dinner and movie. how does that sound?
tm: umm.. tonite? is it a... date?
ja: yea! of course. would you like to go on a date? hehehe
tm: yaay! you asked me out. hehe.. yea, i'll go.
ja: cool, see you at 7:30?
tm: okies. see ya!

oops! there he is. downstairs! ta for now!

• 've been good..

sometimes.. you meet somebody, and you know that whatever you did before, it must have been right. nothing you've done could be too bad, or have gone too far wrong, because it led you to this person..

•

umm.. listen you, dork. I don't usually call guys. I just don't. Maybe it's a silly rule, but it's my rule. And I miss you, alright? so pick up that damn phone and dial my number, will you? Gosh.. I know you're the kind of guy who has girls pursuing you. Well, me too! I mean, NOT girls, but guys.. They call and call and call and call. They don't stop until I tell them so.

Why cant you be one of those guys? Well, I guess you wouldn't be that "special" anymore huh? Hehe. I don't know. I don't know what I want. All I know is just that.. I miss you. A lot. Like.. a lot lot.

And in my own lil world, the guy gotta have a bit of initiation to keep in touch with me. That's when I know he's interested. If not.. how would I know? Geesh.. I'm not used to this. So not used to it.

:-( I really miss you.

update @ 9:30pm: thanks for the call, the laughs, the cute explanation as to why you didn't call earlier, the sweet talks, and the "you're awesome" texts after we hung up. fine.. you're still the sweetest. hehe..

• imdb version

The Adventure of the Ice Girl and Human Torch (2006)

Also called: Oktoberfest at Chateau Akin
Directed by: Zak Akin
Written by: Trias M
Rated PG-13

Photo Gallery (5 photos) more

Genre: Drama / Comedy / Fun /
Tagline: It's Oktoberfest party, hosted by Zak and Lindsey
Plot Outline: Two pacific islanders stranded on a deserted island called Sunnyvale, got lost on an Oktoberfest party. Finally confessed to each other.

Cast Summary:
Jon A .....Human Torch
Trias M .....Ice Girl
Matt A .....Hockey Player

• scene five

"no more making out with random guys for me, i guess"
"... because now, I'm the random guy!"

(black mustang, I-5 south, 10/1/2006, 5:30pm)

• scene four

"so yea, i gave him up."
"why"
"because i like you, dork"
"oh hehehe. ok. and guess what?"
"what?"
"well, i like you too!"

(black mustang, I-5 South, Gilroy, 10/01/06, 4:05pm)

• scene three

"let's go see my bike. we can go on a ride. maybe we can go somewhere for a lil bit?"
"umm.. naw thanks. i don't think i can."

gorgeous as usual. i can't believe i gave him up.
(back-room of chateau akin, sunnyvale, 10/01/06, 2:15am)

• scene two

ht: "how come your hands are cold all the time?"
ig: "maybe cuz i came from a very hot and humid country so i cant really stand cold weather? i dont know.."
ht: "here, hold my hands. i'll be your warmer. you're like, ice girl and i'm the human torch"

ht= human torch
ic= ice girl
(murphy station's farmers market, sunnyvale, 9/30/06, 10:35am)

• scene one

him: "wanna know why i like you?"
me: "oh, you like me?"
he laughed and said "yea. i thought it's obvious."
i said "well ok, cool, tell me why"
"because you put me in a good mood. you're fun to be with. and your smile.. just looking at your smile makes me want to smile too" and then he kissed me.

gosh, that's so corny.
(chateau akin, sunnyvale, 9/30/06, 2am)

-trias-
-los angeles-

I've always been different growing up. My being the 3rd (middle) child might have added to it too, maybe. You know the old saying about being the middle child often has the sense of not belonging, the feeling of invisibility, which makes them try harder to get the attention from the parents to make them stand out more than the first and last child. They (read: experts and/or old people) even have it called a 'middle child syndrome'. I don't know... But yea, I grew up trying my best to annoy my parents, well, in my defense, I don't think I did it consciously. Compared to my other siblings, I wasn't the most polite child (my oldest sister was), nor the cutest (my youngest sister), and not even the worst (my brother haha!). Well, maybe I'm the second worst, which wasn't anything I should be proud of.

I grew up thinking I could do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. The sky was (and is) my limit. I was a tomboy and a bad kid too (I skipped school a lot during my junior high and finally got caught by my dad and boy did I pay much for it). I always love boys too. I know how to get them just by talking to them. I was (hopefully still is) a Miss Personality. I dated a lot. From one boy to another. I was obnoxiously flirty. My mom had (still has) problems with this "habit" of mine for liking boys so much. I always love English language. I wanted to travel overseas and spoke the universal language to anyone and everyone. I grew up knowing that if I speak English, everyone in this world would understand what I say. Make sense, right? Then I also always wanted to work in an office. I wanted to be a career woman, an independent woman who can afford anything on her own. I wanted to be bigger than the biggest.

Which isn't normal in any Indonesian culture guidebook.

By standards, an Indonesian woman is expected to be a good wife. Period. Oh yes, she can work, she can drive a car, she can play basketball, but at the end of the day, she MUST learn how to and become a good wife. Hey, first off, I'm not saying it's bad, I think it's great that a woman can be a good wife, but COME ON!! We, women, can become much more than that. We can be something bigger than that. Again, it's great to be a good wife, but when it's expected by the society, I think it's ridiculously silly. Human is human, regardless of its gender. We, women, should be allowed to have the same choices and opportunities as men, in any part of the world. Unfortunately, not in my part of the world. So yea, I'm fucked.

Before you punch me in the face for saying so, let me say this.

I tried.
No. Not just tried. I did what was expected of me as an Indonesian woman. Yes yes, I was married and did my best to be a good wife. Actually, I was a great wife. I did my best living my life by Indonesian standards. I was happy, but I turned into a different person who lived under a shadow of the person I was with. Yet, in my head, there's always this big question mark: Now what? Why do I feel lost being in this "happy" marriage? So, when the marriage fell apart, aside from feeling like the biggest failure in the face of the earth, I also felt..... relieved. Not happy, but relieved. For a few who knew me from/before the day I failed my marriage should know how devastated I was . I was broken, pathetic, lost, and pushed to the weakest point of my life. I lived in my own lonely little pathetic world (celibacy was part of it too) for a good one year.

But then I snapped out of it. HUGE thanks to my family and few of my friends who stood by me, helping me going through the worse time of my life. Kar who bought me a TV soon as I moved in to my own studio apartment. Sus who forced me to go get a vibrator to get through the celibacy time. Mel who gave me this silly book, sort of a guide, on how to be a BAD girl. Before I knew it, there I was having a buck fuddy, OK, two. ^-^

I learned my lesson the day I failed my marriage. Following the standard of a society is a good thing, but doesn't necessarily make one happy. Since then, I learned to live my life by whatever makes me happy. Sound selfish? Yes and No. It is a simple way of a person who wants to be happy. It is also my choice to make everyday a good day. To have a great time during miserable time. To be half full instead of half empty. It's my choice to laugh and not cry. To let go of hate and stop worrying so much. I learn to know that nothing, I repeat, NOTHING is a big deal. Because it doesn't matter how big of a problem I have, there's always someone else out there with a bigger problem. That's, my friend, when I know the exact meaning of "count your blessings".

Fast forward: Entering the 4th year of divorce anniversary *grinning*. Here I am. Stronger than ever. Bad ass for life. ^o^
[Monday, April 21, 2008]

Her mom and siblings and niece and nephew, movies, movies, movies, hats, unicorns, to smile and laugh, her friends, a Vinci Code, Mashimaro, manggo, black shirts, Gym, vodka-holic, tom Welling, dark chocolatte cuz its bitter, Korean language, Retro necklaces, Jeong ji-hoon, iPhones, Venice Beach, Nordstrom rack, hot guys with british accents, web design, Ebay, blogging (duh)

Pretentiousness, running (be in on a treadmill or outside), humidity, her left thumb, hypocrites, dangdut, hung-over, white shirts, tight pants, sandwich and salads, cowboy hats, black coffee, slow wifi