stories of some bad ass girl

l blah l theGirl l rants l oldStuff l linkies l

Welcome to my blog.
If you have this url, you're prolly one of the chosen ones.

By reading my blog, you agree to:
Have fun reading it.
Comment only if you must.
Bear with my randomness.
Not be judgemental. Not towards me at least.

• about last night

Hey babe,

I'm sorry for hanging up on you last night.
I'm sorry for joking about how busy you are.
I'm sorry if you read the whole thing as my not being an understanding girlfriend.

All I'm asking from you is for you to also understand me and my needs.
And it's not a lot, all I need is attention. A genuine and loving attention.

When I walked around following you and your crew in subway train, pay attention to me every once in a while.
When I cook for you and your crew's dinner, prepare me a plate would be nice.
When we watch your sports channel, offer me to watch what I like to watch every once in a while.
When you're not busy, make time to come over to my place for a change.
When you think about me at work, send me a cute text.
When you're not tired and you see that I am, give me a massage.
Tell me that you care, that you need me, that you think about me.

Those little things.. matter a lot.
Yes, I understand you're busy, you have your priority and have to make sacrifices.. but attention doesn't take much, babe.
A text only takes you less than 3 mins to type.
Telling me you love me prolly takes you less than 10 seconds.

Am I asking you a lot?

I wanted to call but I understand you have to save your minutes. Also because it's hard to get my point across when you keep thinking I create drama every time I tell you how I feel. I'm a girl, and this is just the way I am, but anyways..

I love you,
trias

• overwhelmed

school (read: homework)
family
busy boyfriend
and drama at work

they don't mix together very well, do they?

• The main question is.. can I?

When he said "I need you to be my rock, babe. Please. I have a lot going on right now and last thing I wanted from you is drama."

First thing that came to mind was.. I need to work on my patience.
Really. If I keep letting this negative vibe in me, I either end up losing this great guy, or even worse, alone for the rest of my life. It got to a point that I'm annoying myself now; having negative thoughts, pissing myself off from it, and letting it get to me; this is for what reason? simply because of one small incident. What is it with me that I'm so traumatized by it? Why is it that lately I find him annoying, even when he's being sweet? Why do I have this much doubt in him? Is it me? Is it him? This is bad. Really bad. Because.. now, I read it as me being insecure and him being untrustworthy. Why would I want to be with someone that I don't genuinely trust? And the worst of all, why am I being insecure?

I had all these thoughts in my head and when I turned and looked at the miserably sad face of his in front of me. The tone suddenly changed. I moved closer and gave him the biggest hug, kissed him on the cheek, and whispered to say sorry.

Because in the end.. my life is a lot better than what he's currently in. I should be more understanding of his situation. The question is.. can I be someone's rock?

• selamat ulang tahun ya pak

"selamat ulang tahun ya pak, semoga panjang umur, diparingi sehat selalu karo gusti Allah. trus karo ibu dimasak'ke opo pak?"

dijawap beliau:
"Amin. Terimakasih. demikian pula semoga ananda Tryas selalu mendapatkan kesehatan, rezeki, dan rahmat dari Allah"

aiyaaah... pak haji kenapa resmi begini yak ama anaknya sendiri??

• yikes!

I haven't weighed myself and when I did couple days ago..
Bow chica pow wow!
I gained 3 pounds y'all!
Bete ga siiiih!!! I mean, summer is right around the corner and I should be losing weight instead of gaining. How am I gonna lay out on the beach with tummy and love handle hanging out?! :(( I think ever since I hit the plateau I've stayed at the same weight since October and got lazy to do anything about it.

So I'm back on my Body Type C diet starting today and fix my workout schedule! Bye bye laziness!!

Breakfast:
2 eggs white + half banana or 1 small apple
Mid Morning:
3 oz Turkey breast + 1-2 cup greens
Lunch:
2 oz Turkey or Chicken breast + 1/2 cup rice + 1 cup mixed veggies
Mid Afternoon:
2 oz Tuna or Turkey breast + 1 small apple
Dinner:
2 oz Turkey breast + 2 cups greens
Late Evening (OPTIONAL):
1 Grapefruit

I need to lose AT LEAST 10 lbs then I'd be content hehe..

We shall see...

• selamat jalan, mbah putri

innalillahi wa inna ilaihi roji'un.
i'm so deeply sorry..
for not being able to see you for the last time.
for crying on the phone instead of trying to talk to you for the last time.
for not talking to you as much while I was there.

but.. you're no longer in pain now. i love you. rest in peace.

• playing with photoshop, part 2

Vintage effect this time around with Keanan as a model. Such a good baby. He's way cute and easy on the eyes too, so it was nothing but fun taking pictures of him then photoshoped them.

the result seems pretty similar to the Lomo effects but it definitely uses different technique. thanks to my guru, YouTube. :)

ps: When/if you read this, sorry Sus, poto anak lu gw pasang di blog gw. Tenang, my blog readers aren't that many and they're all VERY GOOD friend of mine. ;) and salah lu juga anak lu lucu. hihi..

• defense mechanism

wikipedia: The term "defense mechanism" is often thought to refer to a definitive singular term for personality traits which arise due to loss or traumatic experiences.

maybe that's what it was.

all of a sudden, i just had this unpleasant thought or idea and feeling towards something silly that (of course) my face couldn't help to show, which later on was proven wrong. it's eating me inside and it annoys me that it is.

i need to shake it off before it ruins me.

• finally

i had my hair cut today. been talking about it way too long, but today reta referred me to this indonesian lady who does hers and her moms. and sure enough.. she's awesome! i went in there not knowing what style i wanted to go for.. but here it is..

finally, i found the hair stylist i LOVE!!

• playing assistant producer

.. and assistant director and amateur photographer for the 1st shooting of Brandon's short film was definitely a fun and NEW experience. We spent 3 hours getting on and off the train between North Hollywood to Union Station. Since we're doing this shooting guerrilla way (without permit), we had to kind of making sure the Metro police was not around. Twice we were told to stop by them hehe.. we kept saying sorry but soon as they're gone, we're back to doing the shots. haha!

I did my best to take 'in the making' pictures in between helping Brandon holding the mic when the camera was rolling. I got goosebumps several times to watch the two talented actors acting without any single dialogue. They connected through their face expression, I mean.. I don't even how to explain it but it was.. amazing to watch!

Can't say much details on the actors' names, what the story is all about, the title, and all that.. ya know.. due to copyrights reason. But here are few pics I took.

• playing with photoshop

I'm using Lomo effects on the pictures from M&Ms wedding that will be put on the currently-on-hold photobook. So far.. here are the ones I like the most..

• mbah putri sakit

Beliau masuk rumah sakit hari jumat lalu, katanya ususnya terlilit, jadi kalo pipis ama pup sakit katanya. The last i heard from my sister is, the doctor found cancer in her liver and that 99% of her organs are failing. She's just really old you know. Everyone is being prepared for the worst. I just hope she doesn't feel too much pain.. :(

• what's coming up..

This friday, Brandon asked me to be the official photographer for his short film shooting! What an honor, babe! I was going to ask if I could take some shots, but before I did that, he asked me first. I will also be carrying the microphone while he's shooting hehe.. I'm stoked! One thing I could cross from my bucket list: An assistant to a movie producer, checked. ;)
While we're randomly talking about what we should do in summer, Hearst Castle was brought up. Seems like B and I will be going camping at the Big Sur campgrounds and take the drive to Hearst Castle for the Memorial Day. Can I get a woop woop?!
In June, I'll be flying out to Vegas again to see McHammer and Tone Loc. Yah, we're too legit to quit! Haha!
4th of July, it's been in the talk that Brandon's mom wants us to camp in Catalina island. A friend of hers has a beach house out there that we could use to stay for one or two nights! Aint that a trip!

That's all, peeps. That's what's coming up in summer.. ;)

• Pemilu

I stumbled upon this picture/news and found it very touching. Glad that some have much faith in their government. If only the corruption could be destroyed in my very home country....

A woman votes while her baby sleep in her back at a polling center in Malang in East Java. Indonesia is voting in only its third general election since the fall of the Suharto regime in 1998, with President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono's Democratic Party tipped to win most seats.

*-*

Did I vote? No.

• the one that 'got away'

Thanks to Facebook, few high schoolmates found me on there, and bringing up things we did in high school. This schoolmate I talked to the other day wasn't really my friend then, he was a good friend of my first 'real' ex-boyfriend. Mas Eko :)

Before you teased me, let me just tell you one thing.. this ex-bf of mine had passed away when I was still in college. He died of a motorcycle accident at age 20. When I heard of this news, I wanted to fly back to see him for the last time or at least to go to his funeral, but I was only 19, in college, living under my parents' roof. I could barely afford my own lunch, let alone fly to another island for a funeral.

Just recently I told my friend about him on our much-missed daily chat and now this stranger started conversation by mentioning my late ex-bf's name. I feel like I talked about him more nowadays, and it feels.. funny.

Ya know how sometimes you sorta keep things in your mind quietly hidden because you know it would hurt ya just talking about it so you'd rather keep it safe inside? Well.. there he is for me. He is one guy I would never forget as much as I claim to have forgotten lotsa things. Poor guy never knew how much I loved him and how many times I wanted to apologize to have had broken his heart. I hope he had forgiven me before he passed.

If there's such thing in MY life, he's the one that 'got away' hehe.. and of course, I kept his old photo. I used to keep it in my wallet for the longest time, I'd say about 5-6 years after we broke up. Petty and pathetic. Haha. I guess in a way it was my way to get over the guilt. And no, I won't make an effort to scan and post it here. He's gone for a reason :)

It's insane to find out how much I forgot about things.. cuz this guy also told me.. the two of them used to think I looked like Yurike Prastika. I was like.. who the f is Yurike. Then things started coming back. She was the sexiest actress back in the early 90s.. HAHA!

Yea.. rite.

-trias-
-los angeles-

I've always been different growing up. My being the 3rd (middle) child might have added to it too, maybe. You know the old saying about being the middle child often has the sense of not belonging, the feeling of invisibility, which makes them try harder to get the attention from the parents to make them stand out more than the first and last child. They (read: experts and/or old people) even have it called a 'middle child syndrome'. I don't know... But yea, I grew up trying my best to annoy my parents, well, in my defense, I don't think I did it consciously. Compared to my other siblings, I wasn't the most polite child (my oldest sister was), nor the cutest (my youngest sister), and not even the worst (my brother haha!). Well, maybe I'm the second worst, which wasn't anything I should be proud of.

I grew up thinking I could do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. The sky was (and is) my limit. I was a tomboy and a bad kid too (I skipped school a lot during my junior high and finally got caught by my dad and boy did I pay much for it). I always love boys too. I know how to get them just by talking to them. I was (hopefully still is) a Miss Personality. I dated a lot. From one boy to another. I was obnoxiously flirty. My mom had (still has) problems with this "habit" of mine for liking boys so much. I always love English language. I wanted to travel overseas and spoke the universal language to anyone and everyone. I grew up knowing that if I speak English, everyone in this world would understand what I say. Make sense, right? Then I also always wanted to work in an office. I wanted to be a career woman, an independent woman who can afford anything on her own. I wanted to be bigger than the biggest.

Which isn't normal in any Indonesian culture guidebook.

By standards, an Indonesian woman is expected to be a good wife. Period. Oh yes, she can work, she can drive a car, she can play basketball, but at the end of the day, she MUST learn how to and become a good wife. Hey, first off, I'm not saying it's bad, I think it's great that a woman can be a good wife, but COME ON!! We, women, can become much more than that. We can be something bigger than that. Again, it's great to be a good wife, but when it's expected by the society, I think it's ridiculously silly. Human is human, regardless of its gender. We, women, should be allowed to have the same choices and opportunities as men, in any part of the world. Unfortunately, not in my part of the world. So yea, I'm fucked.

Before you punch me in the face for saying so, let me say this.

I tried.
No. Not just tried. I did what was expected of me as an Indonesian woman. Yes yes, I was married and did my best to be a good wife. Actually, I was a great wife. I did my best living my life by Indonesian standards. I was happy, but I turned into a different person who lived under a shadow of the person I was with. Yet, in my head, there's always this big question mark: Now what? Why do I feel lost being in this "happy" marriage? So, when the marriage fell apart, aside from feeling like the biggest failure in the face of the earth, I also felt..... relieved. Not happy, but relieved. For a few who knew me from/before the day I failed my marriage should know how devastated I was . I was broken, pathetic, lost, and pushed to the weakest point of my life. I lived in my own lonely little pathetic world (celibacy was part of it too) for a good one year.

But then I snapped out of it. HUGE thanks to my family and few of my friends who stood by me, helping me going through the worse time of my life. Kar who bought me a TV soon as I moved in to my own studio apartment. Sus who forced me to go get a vibrator to get through the celibacy time. Mel who gave me this silly book, sort of a guide, on how to be a BAD girl. Before I knew it, there I was having a buck fuddy, OK, two. ^-^

I learned my lesson the day I failed my marriage. Following the standard of a society is a good thing, but doesn't necessarily make one happy. Since then, I learned to live my life by whatever makes me happy. Sound selfish? Yes and No. It is a simple way of a person who wants to be happy. It is also my choice to make everyday a good day. To have a great time during miserable time. To be half full instead of half empty. It's my choice to laugh and not cry. To let go of hate and stop worrying so much. I learn to know that nothing, I repeat, NOTHING is a big deal. Because it doesn't matter how big of a problem I have, there's always someone else out there with a bigger problem. That's, my friend, when I know the exact meaning of "count your blessings".

Fast forward: Entering the 4th year of divorce anniversary *grinning*. Here I am. Stronger than ever. Bad ass for life. ^o^
[Monday, April 21, 2008]

Her mom and siblings and niece and nephew, movies, movies, movies, hats, unicorns, to smile and laugh, her friends, a Vinci Code, Mashimaro, manggo, black shirts, Gym, vodka-holic, tom Welling, dark chocolatte cuz its bitter, Korean language, Retro necklaces, Jeong ji-hoon, iPhones, Venice Beach, Nordstrom rack, hot guys with british accents, web design, Ebay, blogging (duh)

Pretentiousness, running (be in on a treadmill or outside), humidity, her left thumb, hypocrites, dangdut, hung-over, white shirts, tight pants, sandwich and salads, cowboy hats, black coffee, slow wifi