stories of some bad ass girl

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By reading my blog, you agree to:
Have fun reading it.
Comment only if you must.
Bear with my randomness.
Not be judgemental. Not towards me at least.

• brandon called me earlier.

sounding so upset because.. ready?.. MY FACEBOOK STATUS!!

first of all, he didnt know it was from a song!! he thought i was acting out like a party animal and HE DOESNT LIKE IT! he said i shouldnt party and get drunk just to make me feel better or happy. I'm like.. huh? i told him i didnt know why he thought that way. he said "because i know you. you're better than that. i'm just concerned. i know you can do whatever you want, but you should just focus on your school rather than partying"

im like.. "how do you know i dont study? you dont know that"
then larry walked in. brandon went on about how concerned he is. how i shouldnt drink much cuz it isnt healthy. and that there are other ways to make myself feel better. i was so upset, but because larry is here i didnt want to argue too long on the phone. it upsets me so much that i couldnt fight back, i just sat there and cried. i told him to not talk abt this on the phone. he gave up, he apologized for making me upset, wished me a good day, then we hung up

I dunno why it bothers him so much that i party. i mean, who gives a fuck. he shouldnt care. it just bums me out that he went there and scolded me AFTER he decided to break up with me. he shouldnt worry about me and worry about himself more. he's the one who claimed to have issues. i dont.

i think its time for me to have a serious talk. i dun think i can handle him being on my case when he clearly doesnt want to be with me. why gives a fuck of what im doing. hes the one who let me go.

im going to have a talk with him, if he loves me, and wants to keep me around, he should just say it and ask me. and ill think about it.

but dun be over protective like this when he said he broke up with me! the way he acts is as if we're still dating. i mean, he just assumes that i party so much, but i really haven't been. i went out with the girls and that was the only time i was drunk. other than that, i went out and met chad, but even that i didnt get drunk.

I mean even if i party so much for whatever reason, he shouldnt give a damn. he fucken broke up with me. he cant have it both ways. seriously.. being in 'grey" wasnt all that bad. ONLY IF he leaves me alone. i was okay for a second and was thinking maybe this is what its like being "on a break" and was thinking maybe i could do it. but now that he goes this far, i dunno if i wanna do it!

Even when we were dating he cant say shit abt it, i didnt party much when i was with him mainly because i wanted to spend time with him, not because i was afraid of him. I dun think he minded me THIS much when we're dating. this whole thing bothers him that much because he knows exactly that i could flirt and end up with some random guy. hes fucken jealous and doesnt even know how to express it

"i know its not you. you're not a party girl"
wtf. i am or i am not, who gives a fuck.

the guy is so fuckin jealous. he knew i like to party. before, during and after we dated. i mean, hellowww.. i went to vegas, atlanta, etc. its because he knows i could go super wild when i want to and the thought of it bothers him.

im so annoyed rite now. i mean, yes i get it why it bothers him. i would be bothered too if i find out he dates someone else or go crazy meeting girls. but i doubt that i would scold him for doing so. I would be upset but i aint saying nothin.

truth of the matter is.. we fuckin broke up.
and he said it first.

• If I could have my way and ask questions..

Why did you still call me?
Why did you still talk to me everyday?
Why did you care so much about my partying habit?
Why did you tell me not to smoke cigarettes anymore?
Why did you want me to text you to see if I got home safely?
Why did you not tell your mom that we broke up?
Why did you bring me back food from your mom's?
Why did you act sweet?
Why did you hug me and kiss me goodnight?

and most of all..

If you care so much about me, why did you let me go?

Baby, I'm not complaining. I appreciate your concern. I like that you still care. I love the attention you've been giving me even after we broke up. Yet I find it ridiculous that you're making a big deal out of my facebook status. I mean.. why? And does partying make me feel better? It shouldn't matter, because.. again.. YOU let me go. YOU broke up with me, babe.

Obviously you're not being honest with yourself. You still love me, yet you let me go. For what reason? Because you think you can't make me happy? If I were to say, being with you is what makes me happy, does that make you change your mind? No, right? To you, I'm probably just a girl who has a merry life and you don't have the courage to keep me around thinking I would not be happy. But who are you to decide what and who can make me happy?

I love you, Brandon. But I'm my own person, I know what and who can make me happy. I know what I want in life, I'm positive and I have a good life. I may not have a lot of money, but I'm happy and grateful. I enjoy life regardless of how painful or joyful it is for me. I sure wish I could share it with you, be there for you while you're working on your issues. But if you don't have the courage to be with me, then I can not force you..

I let my guard down around you, telling you all how I feel. You need to do the same, or at least be honest to yourself.

• Postcards designs

Here's the postcard designs I did for the office.. it's an 8 by 5.5 postcard with Larry's painting as its background. The white part of the back side is for us to put an address label and a stamp. It is made for Larry's upcoming attorney convention in Las Vegas. The idea is to send this out to all the exhibitors so they would come by his booth during convention.

If it gets printed out.. I can officially say I'm also a designer. Haha! Yea rite..

Front 1

Front 2

Front 3

Back 1

Back 2

• If there is a guy that...

Is as loving as Dart
Has Brandon's brain, hot body :), healthy lifestyle, and loving mom
Is cute and fun like Jon
Makes as much money as Ernest
Is tall and cool and charming like Matta

THAT guy would be the love of my life. I know he's out there.. :)

• the whys

him: can you not drink too much?
me: why?
him: cuz I don't like it, hun. I don't like it when you drink.
me: why?
him: because I care.
me: why?
him: baby.. please..

him: text me when you get home, ok?
me: why?
him: I want to make sure you get home safe.
me: why?
him: why? because I care, and you know that.
me: why?
him: honey.. come on.

him: i miss you
me: why.. oh why..

I feel like a 4 year old with so many questions in mind.
I FUCKING HATE THIS.

• the good and the not so good

The 3 day weekend that I wasn't looking forward to turned out to be much more eventful than I expected...

the good:
- randomly met a guy named Chad who is as cool as a bean. nuff said for now ;)
- went to see 3 movies: terminator, night at the museum 2, and star trek (yes again)
- did my hike, did my yoga, and did my jog
- did my library studying, came out with 6 books on John Foster Dulles
- did the postcard design larry asked me to do
- hung out with kartini, reconnected with jon, and went to see a movie with brandon
- met this cool guy named Chad.. oh wait, i said it already, huh? ;)

the not so good:
- got a parking ticket before yoga class
- hit my head HARD getting into my car and it's still tender now
- broke my flip flops walking inside of Nordstrom, I quickly managed to act cool, took the broken flop off, and kept walking with one shoe, oh yea I'm cool like that!
- came back to my car, another parking ticket was on my window shill
- monday morning, I couldn't go back to my place because streets were closed for LA marathon! 2 hours driving around was fun.
- when I stopped by at Coffee Beans, I realized.. I lost my ATM card!

Ahh.. life.. is.. awesome.
Especially when I got to meet a cool guy like Chad. ;))

• *sigh...

Long weekend is right on my face. Literally.

I'd be jumping around about it, if someone didn't just decide to break my heart couple weeks ago. I'm still bummed about it, btw. Especially for the fact that I don't have him on weekends anymore. I've been dwelling on it a bit much I think. *sigh..

I so very know that I need to shift my focus back on school. It's not easy, but I'm working on it. I'm determined to go and suck myself in the campus library tomorrow, make myself spend half the day there. This semester is almost over, 3 more weeks. I have to get me A in one class, and I'd be lucky to get B on the other class. *sigh..

I sure need some distractions here.. hot choco ;) wouldn't too bad right about now! *sigh...

• I surrender

A racing heart can indicate anything from a panic disorder to something much, much more serious. A heart that flutters, or one that skips a beat, could be a sign of secret affliction or it could indicate romance which is the biggest trouble of all.

It seems we have no control whatsoever over our own hearts. Condition can change without warning. Romance can make the heart pound just like panic can. And panic can make it stop cold in your chest. It’s no wonder doctors spend so much time to keep the heart stable, to keep it slow, steady, regular to stop the heart from pounding out of your chest from the dread of something terrible or the anticipation or something else entirely.

But even when our hopes give way to reality, and we finally have to surrender to the truth, it just means we’ve lost to today’s battle, not tomorrow’s war. Here’s the thing about surrender, once you do it, actually give in, you forget why you were fighting in the first place.
[Grey's Anatomy]

• The Perfect Husband

Just a quick intermezzo from the whole drama between B and I, I thought I'd post the essay I've been working on. It's an ironic-style of essay about a perfect husband, mocking the spoiled rich wife of his. An anti-thesis to "I Want a Wife" essay by Judy Brady.

I picked this topic because it's very challenging to be mocking a wife, while I was one myself. I was a much better wife tho. Haha.. anyways.. here it is.

The Perfect Husband

Finally, the nightmare will be over! I thought as I ran out the office as quickly as I could. I held the phone to my ear with the help of my shoulder, while I had my coffee mug in one hand and computer bag in the other.

“My water broke!” She yelled out on the phone, “My dad is taking me to the hospital, meet me there!” and clicked. She hung up the phone while I was still running to the garage to get to my car.

Driving to the hospital – sweating, and trying to catch my breath – I thought about my pregnant wife who is about to give birth to our second child. I gave the loudest sigh.

The day we found out she was pregnant was the day my nightmare began. It was the day I started to question myself about whether or not I have been a perfect husband to my oh-so-lovely wife.

The husband who is a gentleman that never fails to open the door – any door – for her. The perfect husband who would care for her, while constantly being reminded of how hard it is to be pregnant. The husband who makes hot peppermint tea with two – not one, not three, but two – teaspoonfuls of sugar for her every time she has morning sickness and the one who rubs her feet when she’s tired.

The husband who has dedicated his life to making his wife happy and the one who has committed his life to provide the good life for his family knowing she was from a wealthy family. The one whose life goal is to prove that he could spoil his wife the way her parents do.

The husband who understands her needs, especially her shopping needs; regardless of how many extra hours he has to work to fulfill this need.

The husband who patiently goes shopping with his wife, agreeing that shopping is a sport. A husband who never thinks she has enough shoes or purses; never thinks she could never have too many clothes, while he owns and only needs three pairs of shoes – tops. The one who is good at giving opinions at choosing the pair of shoes that would look perfect with her dress. The one that knows Peach, Plum and Pumpkin are not only fruits, but a color as well. The one who knows what to say perfectly whether or not she looks good in a certain dress, the one who says she does not look fat in it, and means it.

The husband who puts away his wife’s half-drank water bottles around the house, the one who picks up hair in the shower drain. The husband who walks the dog every night without a single complaint; even though she is home all day watching home shopping channel; after all she is pregnant, remember?

The husband who should never forget to put the toilet seat down because she does not want to touch it, yet he should never complain when she leaves it down. The one who should never make a big deal out of her leaving the lights on before bed or before going out; meanwhile, he should remember to never leave the toothpaste open on the sink because it is her biggest pet peeve.

The husband who showers her with presents – perfect presents –, and flowers (pink or red roses only, please), and would never forget Anniversaries, Birthdays, Valentines, and Mother’s Day; otherwise, it would turn into an argument.

The husband who has a psychic ability to interpret every argument that when she said nothing, it means something; when she said maybe, it means no; when she said yes, it means no; and when she said no, it also means no. The one who catches every hint she throws during a simple conversation and knows what to say without being interpreted something negative to make her angry or sad.

The husband who is – willingly – doing Cosmopolitan quizzes with his wife, rather than watching his favorite sports channel on Sundays, in order to spend more time with her. The husband who prefers to spend time with his wife at home than going out with the guys; and when I do go out with friends, I should be the husband who always thinks about her while out and knows well enough that there is a curfew. The one who realizes that being able to go out with friends is a privilege; which could also mean I have to take her out to a fancy restaurant in return.

Rrriiing! I frantically picked up the phone, and before I even said hello…

“WHERE ARE YOU NOW??!” my wife was on the other end, yelling.

“I’m on my way, baby. LA traffic. You know how it is. How are you feeling?” I answered and did my best to remain calm.

“What do you mean how I’m feeling?! Get yourself over here quick! You better be here before the baby is! YOU did this to me!” and clicked.

I was wrong. The nightmare is not over.

• i'm 'enjoying' this

the pain.
it comes in waves. small, big, sometimes overlapping waves.
and i feel it everywhere too. chest being the sharpest.
it comes with symptoms like.. sleep deprivation, loss of appetite, yet no more tears shed since day 2, regardless of how many hours korean sappy movies were played throughout the night.

this is.. amusing.
in a sarcastic way. :)

• if only..

if only matta lives in LA...
oh that man-whore...

• the new workout schedule

monday: jogging at the park
tuesday: jogging at the park
wednesday: 6am Yoga at Hollywood 24hr
thursday: 8pm Yoga at Western 24hr
friday: jogging at the park or off if you like
saturday: 10am hiking
sunday: 12pm Yoga at Western 24hr

Might as well keep off the 5lbs (was 7lbs this am!) I already lost with the hope to shed some more!!

• numb may be the perfect word for it

not to be negative nelly here.. but i thought.. each days gone by, everything would be easier.. yet it doesnt seem like that for me.

i'm a mess.

• Ok, I'm a sucker

We had dinner together the other night, Brandon and I. We talked about everything else, but us. I was fine with that, mainly because I still don't know what I want either. Part of me wants him, the other tells me to leave him alone.

It was a sweet and loving dinner, I must say.
He and I must have realized that little things we shared such as a quiet dinner, counts.

We hugged for the longest time. We kissed. He gave me the cute small kisses all over my face. Then we hugged each other goodnight.

Yes, I'm a sucker, but I'm a sucker who follows my heart.

• Brandon popped up on chat again.

Making some sort of conversations about some of the simplest things.. ie:
- the check for his brother that hasn't cleared
- the music video he's directed
- how he's disappointed in Luci
- the internet went down
- even about whether or not the shrimp spring rolls in his freezer was ours or his roommates.

I'm not understanding this, I'm confused but I'm NOT going to worry, wonder or analyze this. I'm going to be decent and sweet as I could be, and let things happen whatever it might be.

• day 3

and I lost 5 pounds. The extra pounds I've been meaning to lose since October. And there I lost it without any single workout. :)

Good job, Trias.

• here's what I really wanted to say..

I miss you.
I miss you so much that I don't mind the fan blowing on my face just for me to be able to sleep next to you again. I miss you so terribly that I don't care if you watch your stupid sports channel :) long as you let me be on my computer. I miss you so much that I haven't been able to do my homework. I miss you so badly that I can't even eat the lemon cookies your mom gave me. Heck I can't even eat for the past few days. I see you every where. I barely have enough sleep, I drive like stupid korean driver because all I could think was just you. I'm so not happy right now, I'm miserable and I got teary eyed just writing this.

I want to be with you, even if it hurts, but loving you wasn't that painful, really. I'm willing to be there for you, even if you're in deep struggles. Even if you're in much anger. I want to be there for you because I know you need someone to support you. All I want right now is to be with you. Knowing that you're still part of my life is what makes me happy. I'm not sure what's gonna happen next, I can't promise you I won't be a bitch every now and then :), but I know I won't regret of ever loving you. Yes, I love you that much.

There, I said it. You have every right to not say anything back, I just had to let you know how I feel, because I don't want to be one day looking back regretting that I never told you how I really feel.

• Hope I didn't sound too desperate

Brandon: How are you?
Trias: missing you. if i could be honest
Trias: how are you?
Brandon: Hurting. I miss you. I am sad.
Trias: me too.
Brandon: You were a HUGE part of my life...it's tough. Your love, support, selflessness, sweetness. I am broken up inside
Trias: baby, me too. it hasn't been easy for me either.
Brandon: How was class last night?
Trias: class is good.
Brandon: good
Brandon: I am proud of you for going back to school...It's hard to do
Brandon: you there? i am cooking
Trias: ya i am. doing one and a million thing
Trias: do you think we have made the right decision?
Trias: i questioned myself alot for the past few days.. and i still am not sure.
Trias: im sad, im not happy, and im miserable.
Brandon: what are you questioning?
Trias: myself. what i did wrong. whether i was just not strong enough to be with you.
Trias: i was too upset that night that i couldn't say much.
Trias: and i said mean things to you out of frustration.
Trias: im sorry of all the mean things i said that night
Brandon: what mean things did you say?
Trias: heheh you're just being sweet
Brandon: no, really...what did you say that was mean?
Trias: whether you've ever been happy w/ anyone. that you owe me more than $200. that ur selfish.
Brandon: oh
Brandon: I am not happy right now. And it has nothing to do with you.
Brandon: I do owe you more than $200
Brandon: and I am selfish
Trias: If it were nothing to do with me, why did you let me go?
Brandon: Cuz, right now, I am not happy. If I am not happy...I can't make anyone happy.
Trias: I'm sorry
Brandon: It's okay. I am trying to work through some of my issues. I am angry...and I don't know why.
Brandon: I don't want to be angry anymore.
Trias: Good for you.
Brandon: I have to dig deep and find the source of my anger.
Brandon: I don't mean anger...as though I want to hit or hurt someone either
Trias: I know.. but I'm glad you recognize that you are angry. I'm glad that you want to work on it. Sometimes.. you just have to let go, accept the situation, and work from there. Rather than asking "why me?"
Trias: I'm happy that you're now busy doing what you love to do, with/without pay. I thought that was very passionate and ambitious that you do all those things while you still have a full time job.
Brandon: I am trying to change
Brandon: the shoot went well, so that is positive
Brandon: btw...i am eating your grapefruit.
Brandon: lol
Trias: that thing is old.
Brandon: I think it's still good. I tasted it
Trias: anyways. im sure you're getting ready to go to work soon.
Brandon: yes, thank you
Brandon: I am off to shower now. I hope you have a good day.
Trias: you too have a good day.

• "hmm..." of the day

I remember the days when I used to think being single is awesome and fun and full of life. Why doesn't it feel the same way this time?

Now I think it's better to have someone, even if it hurts, even if it's the most painful thing you have to do, even if it's the most painful thing you've ever had to do. I think it's better to have someone.

Ugh, maybe I just miss him.

• thank you. this is exactly what i need to hear.

You are not a pathetic case.
Please know that first and foremost.

You had to say goodbye with someone you love and have been together with for a whole year(and plus some).
The love didn't grow overnite, nor will it go away overnite.
T, we've been thru this, to hell and back. And guess what, you did just fine and you become stronger each time.

We all know Brandon has a lot of insecurities going on and he's deep in his struggles.
Maybe he loved you enough to see that you can be happier without him and deserve to be with someone else who can sustain your happy state of mind.
I think he realized that at this moment in time, he just can't be that person to you.

Think about the love you have for him.
Love him with enough respect to honor his wishes.
Sometimes we have to let the people we love do what they choose to do, regardless of what we think about the things they want to do.
It sure hurts, but when we let them go to find themselves, we find a part of us that we never know existed before.

Replay your flashbacks, with Dart, with Jon.
Remember how bad it hurt then?
But look at you guys now.
You can talk, you can be decent, you can be friends. In good terms, all forgiven, no bad feelings mattered anymore.
It's because you gave it room to breathe and time for the scabs to heal.
The more you pick at it, the bigger the scar will be.

Fight the thoughts with prayer.
Each time he comes back to mind, ask God for deliverance of strength and wisdom.
Use that negative impulse to give praise.
Cherish the wonderful moments you had with Brandon, the laughs you shared, the times you knew he held you close to his heart.
Too often we forget them, and focus on the pain.
Don't let the enemy win your mind over.

You are a strong, brave, independent, beautiful, and smart woman.

No matter what life takes you through, no matter how big the waves carry you.

I'm here for you, as always.

• teary-eyed is good enough, right?

For someone who just had a break-up.. I sounded and seemed fine.
That's what everyone I talked to today said..
Which is.. good, I guess?
Tho honestly, today is kind of weird.. I got teary-eyed every time I think about Brandon but I wasn't balling like.... I dunno.. like I supposed to? I feel like I have the need to cry again, but I can't seem to do it. I feel like I don't shed enough tears for this break-up.

maybe I've just been fighting it and
maybe I just want to act strong cuz I'm at work (note to self: don't break up on a Sunday),
maybe because I knew this was coming,
maybe I don't love him enough,
maybe it just hasn't hit me,
maybe I've just been tired of fighting, or
maybe I'm just more mature?

Who knows, I really don't know what it is..

All I know, I just feel weird.
Like I don't know whether I should feel sad, or relieved. I mean, I can't say I'm entirely relieved. It still sucks that I don't have him around anymore. It still aches when I think about him. Yet, I knew I shouldn't mourn over him.

• It's over.

Not to ruin your (my blog readers') Monday :)
But I figured I have to write this on my blog..

We broke up last night. Brandon and I.
It was.. a simple and short and somewhat clean breakup.
It was so silly how we got to the decision. But he said it first. He first said he wanted to take a break from us because he's unhappy with our relationship. He knows that.. for me, there's no such thing as 'taking a break', he knew I wouldn't want it and would just prefer a breakup.

He knows and is convinced I wasn't happy with us either. I cried, of course. I was upset, but I thought about it.. it was just.. bound to happen, ya know. We've been driving each other crazy for the longest time. We bumped heads every time we see each other even for the simplest and silliest thing. As much as we love each other, it wasn't healthy for us. He's not in a good situation right now, career wise, and it's taking a toll on us. I've been dragged into his miserable situation which in a way makes me somewhat bitter and resentful towards him. We're not good enough for each other, I guess.

I took all my stuff out of his house already, he helped me carry them out to my car last night, I gave him his key and took my keys, we hugged and said sorry to each other and wished e/o happy and well.

I drove back to my house, I tried to go to sleep but I couldn't. I was awake til maybe 2am, but I wasn't crying. It aches of course, but surprisingly I wasn't crying. I think I was just trying to make peace with myself that this is what's best for us. I feel fine surprisingly. I was sad and upset of course, and it still aches. But I'm not going to dwell on it and I'll get over it.

So that's it. It's over. :)

Happy Monday, and Love you all!
-trias

• tumben2an doi muncul di YM.

Brandon: miss you
Trias: miss you too!
Trias: u home?
Brandon: for like 10 mins
Trias: what you been doing all day? or should i say.. what have you NOT been doing?
Brandon: pickups hun, too much to tell
Brandon: productions stuff
Brandon: and it's hot
Brandon: arg
Trias: ah. just dun forget to eat and take your vitamins. dun get sick
Trias: aite. go ahead and do your thang.. call me later if you can! love youuuu!!
Brandon: I will
Brandon: after 7pm
Brandon: love you too

• umm really?

things that came out of her mouth i'm tellin ya..

Diaper bag.
"I want to have another baby now. So I can buy this Juicy diaper bag."
then called her husband and said
"Love, you want another baby right? Then I want this gorgeous diaper bag!"

Swine flu.
"Man! I want to have swine flu now. So I can get a week off from work."

• if

if I could handle the moodiness, the pouting is a piece of cake..
if I could take the emotional roller coaster, the uncertainty should be easy..
if I could survive a year, what is a (this) week..

right?

• way too cool, he said.

when mother mary gave me a project to design flyers for the office, i took it upon challenge -knowing how 'demanding' he could be-. it's on an eight-by-eleven paper size and the idea is to have it slipped into newspaper. he wanted me to have it both in color and black and white.

here they are. first batch.

His reply to my email when I sent these out was:

"WAY TOO COOL"

• the homework

just to give you an idea of how much I have to do over the weekend. as a student, not as a girlfriend.

business class due 5/5/09:
- entrepreneurship report: minimum 8 pages
- learning objectives chapter 6-9: total 9 pages
and a midterm on that day.

english class due 5/6/09:
- writing essay #2 and its process: approx 14 pages
- writing essay #3 and its process: approx 14 pages
and a quiz on that very day.

mo pingsan ga siiih?

-trias-
-los angeles-

I've always been different growing up. My being the 3rd (middle) child might have added to it too, maybe. You know the old saying about being the middle child often has the sense of not belonging, the feeling of invisibility, which makes them try harder to get the attention from the parents to make them stand out more than the first and last child. They (read: experts and/or old people) even have it called a 'middle child syndrome'. I don't know... But yea, I grew up trying my best to annoy my parents, well, in my defense, I don't think I did it consciously. Compared to my other siblings, I wasn't the most polite child (my oldest sister was), nor the cutest (my youngest sister), and not even the worst (my brother haha!). Well, maybe I'm the second worst, which wasn't anything I should be proud of.

I grew up thinking I could do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. The sky was (and is) my limit. I was a tomboy and a bad kid too (I skipped school a lot during my junior high and finally got caught by my dad and boy did I pay much for it). I always love boys too. I know how to get them just by talking to them. I was (hopefully still is) a Miss Personality. I dated a lot. From one boy to another. I was obnoxiously flirty. My mom had (still has) problems with this "habit" of mine for liking boys so much. I always love English language. I wanted to travel overseas and spoke the universal language to anyone and everyone. I grew up knowing that if I speak English, everyone in this world would understand what I say. Make sense, right? Then I also always wanted to work in an office. I wanted to be a career woman, an independent woman who can afford anything on her own. I wanted to be bigger than the biggest.

Which isn't normal in any Indonesian culture guidebook.

By standards, an Indonesian woman is expected to be a good wife. Period. Oh yes, she can work, she can drive a car, she can play basketball, but at the end of the day, she MUST learn how to and become a good wife. Hey, first off, I'm not saying it's bad, I think it's great that a woman can be a good wife, but COME ON!! We, women, can become much more than that. We can be something bigger than that. Again, it's great to be a good wife, but when it's expected by the society, I think it's ridiculously silly. Human is human, regardless of its gender. We, women, should be allowed to have the same choices and opportunities as men, in any part of the world. Unfortunately, not in my part of the world. So yea, I'm fucked.

Before you punch me in the face for saying so, let me say this.

I tried.
No. Not just tried. I did what was expected of me as an Indonesian woman. Yes yes, I was married and did my best to be a good wife. Actually, I was a great wife. I did my best living my life by Indonesian standards. I was happy, but I turned into a different person who lived under a shadow of the person I was with. Yet, in my head, there's always this big question mark: Now what? Why do I feel lost being in this "happy" marriage? So, when the marriage fell apart, aside from feeling like the biggest failure in the face of the earth, I also felt..... relieved. Not happy, but relieved. For a few who knew me from/before the day I failed my marriage should know how devastated I was . I was broken, pathetic, lost, and pushed to the weakest point of my life. I lived in my own lonely little pathetic world (celibacy was part of it too) for a good one year.

But then I snapped out of it. HUGE thanks to my family and few of my friends who stood by me, helping me going through the worse time of my life. Kar who bought me a TV soon as I moved in to my own studio apartment. Sus who forced me to go get a vibrator to get through the celibacy time. Mel who gave me this silly book, sort of a guide, on how to be a BAD girl. Before I knew it, there I was having a buck fuddy, OK, two. ^-^

I learned my lesson the day I failed my marriage. Following the standard of a society is a good thing, but doesn't necessarily make one happy. Since then, I learned to live my life by whatever makes me happy. Sound selfish? Yes and No. It is a simple way of a person who wants to be happy. It is also my choice to make everyday a good day. To have a great time during miserable time. To be half full instead of half empty. It's my choice to laugh and not cry. To let go of hate and stop worrying so much. I learn to know that nothing, I repeat, NOTHING is a big deal. Because it doesn't matter how big of a problem I have, there's always someone else out there with a bigger problem. That's, my friend, when I know the exact meaning of "count your blessings".

Fast forward: Entering the 4th year of divorce anniversary *grinning*. Here I am. Stronger than ever. Bad ass for life. ^o^
[Monday, April 21, 2008]

Her mom and siblings and niece and nephew, movies, movies, movies, hats, unicorns, to smile and laugh, her friends, a Vinci Code, Mashimaro, manggo, black shirts, Gym, vodka-holic, tom Welling, dark chocolatte cuz its bitter, Korean language, Retro necklaces, Jeong ji-hoon, iPhones, Venice Beach, Nordstrom rack, hot guys with british accents, web design, Ebay, blogging (duh)

Pretentiousness, running (be in on a treadmill or outside), humidity, her left thumb, hypocrites, dangdut, hung-over, white shirts, tight pants, sandwich and salads, cowboy hats, black coffee, slow wifi