stories of some bad ass girl

l blah l theGirl l rants l oldStuff l linkies l

Welcome to my blog.
If you have this url, you're prolly one of the chosen ones.

By reading my blog, you agree to:
Have fun reading it.
Comment only if you must.
Bear with my randomness.
Not be judgemental. Not towards me at least.

• simpsonize me

yea, since everybody's doing it.. i got mine too!

wanna get yours? click here! watch out for the site being SUPER SLOW!

• sofa king hot

thanks to the freakin heat now i have a migraine! on a friday night! i coulda gone out dancing or drinking at a bar by now if i don't feel as crappy. and i coulda been introduced to this 6foot tall guy who has nice teeth that a friend of mine told me was cute and cool. she said he be a perfect guy for me. until i found out he is 38 years old. ya know me.. i'm all about younger guys. i'm no child molester, but i'm definitely into young'ns. hehe. plus, older and nice guys are all about being in relationships (i heard) which is a big no no to me. not rite now at least. yea, thanks to jon for that. *sarcasm*

speaking of ya know who. he just now called. he's on a traffic driving down to san diego. so what if he calls? why am i still feeling happy that he calls? aren't i supposed to be over him by now? gosh, i'm so predictable.

i need to find me another guy! wait. it's not even 'another' guy. i'm not w/ him anymore, so whoever i'm meeting in the future won't be called 'another' guy. he would be "the" guy. or maybe just 'a' guy.

so yea.. i need to find new guys. there ya go, NEW guys (plural). :))

• [true] love OR fear

you know.. when you say to someone "Baby, I'm saying (doing) this because I love you", do you really say it out of love? or fear?

the statement was made by one of my friends, who was inspired by what his therapist said to him the other day. sometimes, we sugarcoat our (true) feeling with what we like to call "love". sometimes we think we do/say certain things to a person because we love this person, but it was actually because of fear. any kind of fear. fear of losing him/her. fear of if we do the opposite way, we might lose something. fear of if we don't do it this way, it would turn into a regret. or whatever.

big deal. :o)

• stmd

...stands for short-term memory disorder. yea i have that. so thats why i like to write things i did so i can look back one day and have fun reading it. this time it's about the past awesome (and FUN) weekend.

friday night i went to the gym w/ mel after work. yes! on A friday night i was at the gym working my butt out! surprisingly it was packed in there. right when u think LA people would party on friday nights. after gym, we went and had dinner at mishima. which was SO good. it's short but i had fun hangin out w/ mel.

then saturday, my morning started pretty early. i went out grocery shopping, had my car washed, then i saw the "O/D turned off" on the car dashboard, I thought somethin went wrong w/ my car, i called up jon, but he didnt pick up so i just left him a short message. went to my mechanic (named John as well), he explained what it was and managed to have a cup of coffee w/ him right then. i went home afterwards and started cooking. and cleaned the house a little bit. indo girls gone bakso. haha! yea gw bikin bakso hari saptu kemaren. sperti biasa, gw ngundang2 lah.. makan sendiri jg ga enak kan. kartini ma isti bikin es teler. reta bikin tahu isi. ida bawa egg-roll. kartini showed up w/ a guy named Ramie. he's Iraqi. we had fun talking and teasing this new guy, especially that he's the only guy in the room.

jon called me back later on the day, i invited him over as well. he came by an hour later. had lunch w/ us all. we sang karaoke, had few drinks. then by 7pm, everyone's tired and left. except jon.

we went to glendale cruise night car show. took lots of car pics. was so crowded i saw for couple times he was about to reach my hand but didn't. had coffee at the barnes and noble afterwards. reading magazines and deciding whether we should go see a movie after or not. though i had fun being with him, still awkward at times. anyways..

after car show, he asked if he could come over and watch borat and drink some more. interesting (i thought). i made the most awful mojito ever, yet we drank it anyways. borat seemed funnier to watch when you're drunk. ha! came 2am we both were drunk and he asked if he could crash cuz he didnt want to drive. i said cool. gave him a pillow and a blanket. and i went to bed and fell asleep within seconds.

needing some water so bad, i got up at about 5am. saw him sleeping on the couch. i feel.. warm. it feels good to see him there. in my place. i kno i kno i shouldnt have felt this way. but whatever. i went back to my bed and got some more sleep and woke up at 8:30ish. this time i went straight to the kitchen to wash the pile of dishes i had from the party. made myself some coffee, and thats when i realized, he was only wearing his underwear under the cover! haha! well i didnt see a thing, but saw his clothes were on the chair. but still..

anyways, i then sat in front of my computer and started writing this blog (read 2 of my earlier posts) til he woke up minutes later. looking all cute (i need to stop saying that too!) he said "morning..". i then made him coffee as well. he asked if i still kept his toothbrush around (duh? 'course I did). after we both got ready, we're off and got us some breakfast at denny's.

afterwards, we drove to the getty center. the weather could have not been better, it was nice and sunny and breezy. getty's having an Oudry exhibit. an artis who paints animals from year 1700!! pretty fascinating. we even stayed for its 30 minute painting class. i had to leave after 15 mins cuz it's just not my cup'f tea, aka boring. hahaha. i had fun taking pictures at the central garden though. getty is so big, we didnt get to see the whole thing, cuz he got super tired, and hungry, and turned into the meanest virgo. yea, virgos get really mean when they're hungry. im tellin ya. me, kartini, him, anyone! haha.

by 5pm, exhausting us drove to Curry House to get some dinner. before he exploded. or more of.. hunger fainted. hehe. and i had the awesomest (is that even a word?) curry udon soup!! trust me, it's to die for! by the time we're done eating, he was back at his funny mode. crazy what food can do to people. sheesh..

went back to my place at 6:30ish. he (again) asked if he could stay in til he's ready to drive back home. we watched Criss Angel (he's such a mind freak!!), continued w/ the office, then 30Rock. til he left at 9. gave me his cute warm hug. said he had lotta fun w/ me. same here, dude. same here..

• kaki-nya

he's now still asleep on my sofabed in my living room. had too much drinks last night and didn't want to be drunk and drive. wise choice, buddy. ya wis, crash away deh..

hehe iya.. itu kaki-nya. gw poto dari sini. iseng ya gw? and yes, we still broke up. nothing happened, really. we just had too much fun. went to glendale cruise night (car show) and decided to stay in watching Borat and had too much gin of my awful hyptoniq mojito. yea, i made some awful mixed drinks last night. it tasted like gasoline! he said "yea, you should keep your day job. keep dreaming on becoming a good bartender. customers will love you tho' the bar owner would fire you in seconds if that much alcohol you put in the drinks!

hehe, siyalan.

• we're hangin..

picture us, two of us in the car, going to (ANOTHER) car show. yes, another one after last week's.

me: "do you know that it's almost been a month since we broke up?"
you: "is it really?"
me: "yea dude"
you: "wow. how ya hangin' there?" *grinning*
me: "pretty good. yourself?"
you: "same here"

then we both laughed. ironically.

me: "are we weird or what?"
you: "nuff said!"

haha!

• chats of the day

Trias: omg. gabe just brought in the most delish cookies EVER!
Mellany: yummy... describe them to me
Mellany: slowly
Trias: it's chewy. warm. and the chocolate inside is melting.
Trias: makes me want to cry
Trias: from pleasure
Mellany: i am crying... with envy
Trias: hahaha!

Trias: btw. his name is Paolo :x
Ji: sneaker's man?
Trias: yea i was SUCH a dork. i met the lady who works at the same office w/ him. i said.. who was that guy we're talking w/ yesterday? who works in your office?
Trias: oh paolo. his name is paolo, she said. then asked, why?
Trias: i said, oh nothing. i just saw him in century city mall and i didnt say hi cuz i didnt kno his name
Trias: duuude, i totally LIED!
Trias: so lame
Trias: i think she knew i lied. cuz she got this smiley look
Ji: =))
Ji: dude you're crazy
Ji: and funny
Trias: hahahaha

• bad choices

an old wise man told me, he was once arrogant, an asshole, and thought he's always right. later on in life, after experiencing and seeing damages, pain and misery throughout his past life, he realized that it was a result of bad choices he'd made. so, he made a promise to himself that whatever he wanted and or wished to do, he would do the opposite. he wanted to buy A, he bought B. he wanted to say yes, he said no. he wanted to go left, he went right. sure enough, everything seemed to work out pretty well. his life turned out better. his attitude changed.

i want to do that. i want to go the opposite way of whatever i wish to do. not that i'm an asshole. or i dont think i am. hehe. i just thought.. i've been doing impulsive compulsive things that damage my life (consciously or not). and i need to fix that.

• he said she said

he said:
i still dont know what i want from us. i dont know whether what i feel for you is love or not. i want to take my time figuring it out. im not ready to be in a relationship. ive been in an emotionally abusive 10 years worth of relationship that i basically never did anything for myself. i always was the one who covers for my ex. and i think it really fucked me up. i didnt kno why i put that aside when i met you and just decided to be with you, without dealing w/ my issues first. for that i apologize. i really do like you. i think we have the connection. i just dont think im ready to focus myself on you and us. im saving you from getting hurt. from having to wait for me. i need to focus on myself and i dont know how long itll take me. i need to do this on my own term and my own time.i hope you understand and not hate me for what ive done to you. but i didn't mean to hurt you in the first place. its better for you not to be with me right now. i hope we can still hang out though.

she said:
the reason i want to keep you is because i know ur a good guy. i dun see that many good guys around. but i wont be waiting around for you. i want to have the option to see other guys. i wont tie myself down for you. i understand that you need to focus on yourself for now. so let's set aside our feelings. if later on we still like each other so much and want to start a relationshiop again, maybe we can. but for now, ill let you deal with it. of course we can still hang out. however, i wont put you on the top of the list of people to hang out with. you're no longer a priority in my life, when it comes to relationship. you do what you need to do. i do the same. ill call when i want to hang out. you do the same. it would be best if we could go back to.. remember back in august/sep last year, when we're just hanging out, we're flirting but not dating? (he nodded, yea) let's go back to that.

• safety box

"why do you have to be so cool???" you said while shaking my shoulders lightly.

maybe i can be a bitch and scream at you, cursing out or whatever. but why? why would i want to be a bitch about the whole thing. i know EXACTLY your situation is right now. I've been there..

there were times in my life where i just don't know. i don't feel. i don't think. or i just refused to know or feel or think because it was too much. i just wanted to be on my own. concentrate on my life only. for once i wanted to take my time to figure out who i really am. what i really want. for me. for myself.

that's where you are now.

so i understand.

we all handle things differently. but i understand the basic of your issues. because again, i've been there.

take your time. do what you gotta do to fix all the issues you have. i'm here. not waiting for you. but i'll be here, as your friend. i'll do my own thing for now. you do yours. let's keep the feeling we have in a safety box. for now, we just hang out the way we want to. no label. no need to brand this as friendship or relationship or whatever. i'll call you when i want to hang w/ you. you do the same. you won't be my priority anymore. i will not put any energy and effort into you. there's no more 'us'. it's all in the safety box now. one day, if we're really meant for each other, all we have to do is open the box.

deal? deal.

[van-nuys myspace block party, die hard @amc burbank, korean bbq, fantasia, in&out burbank; 7/14 3pm to 7/15 2:10am]

• it feels weird today at work.

Today, the office is really weird. Bad vibes. Everyone is mad at Larry. When he walked in to the office, no one said anything to him. Bob literally walked out soon as he saw Larry and didn't bother to acknowledge him. Well, except me, I had to talk to him cuz ya know.. I worked with and for him. Ha.

Honestly, he's been such a pain in the ass for the past 3 days. Everyone got a bit of his rudenes. I was pretty pissed off yesterday that I had to yell back at him. Told him to back off a little bit. But he's being nicer today. He called me in to the office and asked me why everyone was weird and quiet. YA THINK?! Seriously. He cannot be that clueless. He knew he fucked up. Well, anyways.. since he asked, I told him everything I felt. How rude he has been towards me and everyone. He treats us like shit. Making us feel like we're worth nothing around here. Like he can run the office on his own. Never shows any appreciation whatsoever. I told him I don't mind him pointing out my mistakes, but please give me compliments when I did a great job. That way when I did something wrong, I didn't get all defensive. I also said about how he doesn't explain shit and thinks that everyone SHOULD HAVE known what he wants without saying. I said, we're NOT psychics. I told him how working here is about learning from the mistakes we made. We could never do it right the first time because there's this BAD communication around the office.

Long story short, he knew he fucked up. He said sorry and asked everyone to have lunch together. Nobody said yes to it. Gabe thinks he does it cuz he wants to make himself feels better. He ended up closing the office early. So here I am. Already home at 3:15pm.

What a crazy day. Might as well, it's Friday the 13th after all!

Anyways.. good thing I'm going out tonight cuz I do need the drinks. Ya uwis.. mo venting ajah.

• quiet flirt

Trias: so, i saw a REALLY cute guy who also works in this building
Trias: well, we kinda talk for a bit last week outside w/ 2 other ladies. cigarette break
Ji: oh really! and and
Trias: nothing. just havent seen him since. hahaha
Trias: he's SO cute. (i think)
Trias: he looks a mix of italian and something white
Trias: all i know is he's tall, got a bit of curly hair, and green eyes.
Trias: and sorta shy smile. :p
Ji: ooo! green eyes!
Ji: niiiice. italian and green eyes
Trias: hehehe

Trias: we had this "quiet" flirting (maybe it was my imagination)
Trias: like.. these two other ladies were in a heated conversation about politics and war and shit
Trias: we both just stood there listening, looking at each other every now and then. he was in front of me, then at one point he moved closer and stood next to me. but we would look each other. pretending to listen (at least i did - pretended that i was listening but actually was just looking at his shoes)
Trias: dun ask me why i looked at his shoes. hahaha

Ji: ooooh hehehe
Ji: were they nice? his shoes?
Trias: sneakers
Ji: hehehe interesting hehehe
Ji: maybe they were nice sneakers? i don't know
Trias: hehehehe they're converse. regular sneakers.
Trias: he kept catching me looking at him, thats why i just look down
Trias: a lot. hahaha
Trias: he's lucky i didnt look at his crotch
Ji: HAHA!
Ji: dude imagine that...that would have been embarrassing hehehe
Trias: he be like.. my face is up here
Trias: hellooooo? up heeereee!!
Ji: :))
Trias: =))
Ji: dude i'm still laughing over here
Ji: too funny!
Trias: hehehe
Trias: well im glad i can entertain you

• transformers, you, me and my left knee.

Transformers was AWESOME! josh duhamel is HOT, and yummy. and SO TALL! Go ahead and drool away, ladies (that's what I would say if I were Fergie). Gosh, I envy her. Hehe. Anyways, back to the movie, I didn't watch the old cartoon, so I didn't know what the story-line is. But my friend said they didn't go too far from its cartoon. However, the characters were made somewhat different. Megatron was supposed to me a weapon, but he's a jet in the movie. Bumble bee was a bug, but camaro is awesome too! The cars were all wrong. Should I stop cuz I sounded too dorky? Ok fine, I'll stop. hahaha.. anyways, the movie was so fun to watch. I kept shaking Kartini's arm everytime Josh showed up in a scene. And Jon kept rolling his eyes everytime he saw me doing that. Ha!

Speaking of the devil, yea, Jon came along. First he cancelled due to his work. Then he texted me and called to see if it's cool to join. Duh. He's always gonna be my plus one. :)

It was cool hanging out w/ him but.. weird at the same time. weird but cool. like.. not awkward. just weird. Sorta like.. we're dating but not. We're friends but too close of friends cuz.. we talk like we're still dating. in the movie, we lean towards each other. he walked me back to my car. we hugged for a long time. but nothing more. like.. we didnt kno what to say to eachother more than what it is. im still weird about the whole thing. but i like hanging out w/ him. seems like he feels the same way. and there's nothing we could do about it so we just leave it at that. see how long we can do this.

Oh, and my leg! I hurt my left knee when I worked out yesterday. Now I have knee braces on. Not easy to drive with your knee on braces btw. But other than that, I'm fine. Jon asked me twice as to how I hurt it. I just kept saying I'm fine. It's just me being stupid. hehe.

• Eat. Pray. Love. (part 2)

"And please don't laugh at me now, but I think the reason it's so hard for me to over this guy is because I seriously believed David was my soul mate."

"He probably was. Your problem is you don't understand what that word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear you down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is, you just can't let this one go. It's over, Groceries. David's purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of that marriage that you needed to leave, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it. That was his job, and he did great, but now it's over. Problem is, you can't accept that this relationship had a real short shelf life. You're like a dog at the dump, baby---- you're just lickin' at an empty tin can, trying to get more nutrition out of it. And if you're not careful, that can's gonna get stuck in your snout forever and make your life miserable. So drop it."

"But I love him."
"So love him."
"But I miss him."
"So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, and then drop it."
[Eat.Pray.Love: Page 149, by Elizabeth Gilbert]

• this is it and i'm done!

I was in the shower this morning when I thought of ONE thing. I've been endlessly thinking about me, jon, and our relationship. For the past two weeks, my energy, my thoughts, my prayers --- my life-- have been filled with "us". I haven't been able to function like my own self. I mean, not that I'm going crazy or anything like that, but ya know, I just can't get it off of my mind. Not necessarily miserable either. I can still work, laugh, make jokes, have fun w/ my friends. But there is this one voice in my head that's been telling me: GO FOR IT.

I figure I just had to do it and be done with it. Whatever happens, happens.

---------
subject: I guess it's easier to write than say..
mailed-by: gmail.com

Hey you..

Good seeing you the other night. Was gonna send this email yesterday but I forgot. I just wanted to make it clear cuz it seemed -at first- you didn't really get what I was trying to say to you then. Sorry for my lack of english. Ha!

Ok, so here it is.

I'd like to give us another shot. Of course ONLY if you want to. Been praying and I didn't ask for this cuz I thought we had it all resolved. But something's been telling me that I need to give it a try. It's been in my head, weird. So thats why I'm writing this.

I've been thinking thoroughly about how I did throughout the relationship. My fault was, I didn't put myself in your shoes enough. I should've been more understanding towards you and your problem that you carry from your past relationship. I've been there just like you. So I should know and not jump into conclusion that it's gonna be a smooth ride.

I didn't realize that you're dealing w/ your own emotional struggle until you told me. And rather than being there for you, I demanded all the things I need from you. I put too much energy and effort on our relationship before, that it pressured both of us and neglected the fact that we carried our past problems. Sorry about that. I'll try to be a better girl for ya if you let me. ;)

You've been bringing so much of good things in my life. Whether you realize it or not, you have. You let me be myself, you taught me to be more patient. More laid-back. More understanding. I also become a much happier person. A funnier one too because I had to always keep up w/ your funny-self. :) We have so much fun together as friends AND lovers, ya know. I can't bear the thought of losing such a great guy just because I couldn't give us a chance to fix it.

Let's start over. Let's pretend we never dated before. Let's start from the very beginning. Let's do what two 'regular' people do to get close to each other. Let's date a little here and there. Let's have fun without any commitment towards each other. Without any pressure that one does better than the other.

If you agree, let's go suuuuper slow from here. Have fun with what we have. Or I call it the opposite of friends with benefit. Hehe. We have so much fun together. We like each other so much. What more can we ask, ya know? I just don't want to throw away good things when I know I can work it out.

Because I think, the problem we have is fixable. It's not easy, but fixable. We just need stronger feelings towards each other. Be more honest w/ each other. I dont think we gave us enough chance to grow our feelings because we both were guarded with fear or pain we had and/or have. When the time comes, we will know whether we're really right for each other or not. I won't even go there now, cuz like you said, no one can predict the future. All I know is that I care about you a lot. You're a great guy and I want to be there for you and with you.

There, I said it. Now it's up you. I can understand if you're not ready and that you may need time to think about it. No rush. Give yourself one or even a thousand thoughts. Then let me know ;)

take care,
-t

• Eat . Pray . Love

Moreover, I have boundary issues with men. Or maybe that's not fair to say. To have issues with boundaries, one must have boundaries in the first place, right? But I dissapear into the person I love. I am the permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my ass, my money, my family, my dog, my dog's money, my dog's time ---- everything. If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas present for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else.

I do not relay these facts about myself with pride, but this is how it's always been.
[quoted from Eat.Pray.Love by Elizabeth Gilbert : a must-read book for the summer!]

• i did worse.

so i can not and SHOULD not say anything about you changing my rank on your myspace from number 3 to number 6. yea, so NOT important. what i did was way worse. but as a girl, still i feel a lil hurt. not that it's something solid to be hurt for. but its a feeling ya know. i can't help it. hehehe. this is me, being a girl.

so i kept telling myself how much worse i had done. this break-up but not really thingy really got me confused. and i feel like.. i'm always the one who has issues, i think. i suck at relationship. never been good at it. i push people away then pull them back. when i get too attached, i push them away again. so that's my problem.

• my 4 of july

i had a lil picnics with the Stetsons and Kartini. we went to Castaic Lake to chill, eat lotsa food, and just be lazy. got there at 5pm and the night ended at 9:30pm after watching fireworks. I had fun bonding with baby Asher. he's such a cutie. we had a lil talk. well, mostly I did. all he did was just aaahhh uuuhhh eehhhh.. hehehe. good time with good friends. i needed that.

• one-sided

"never think it's a one-sided thing ya know. i feel as much pain as you do. it hasn't been easy for me either. it's not like i can easily switch gears from boyfriend to just a friend. i dont think i'm ready to see you dating another guy. not now not when i'm around."

• it went.. well (i guess?)

it's good seeing you again, jon. seems like it's been so long ago that we didn't see each other tho' it was only 1.5 weeks. the 9 days worth of pain, lotta thinking, lotta talking, and lotta things learned. seems like we talked more openly after we broke up. which is a good sign (positive thoughts only please!).

so, listen. i don't want to give you anymore pressure than what it was. take your time. don't worry about my feeling or what others think. go with your own. if giving us another shot is something you can bear for another weeks, or months, or years. let's do it.

if not, lemme know. and i'll still like you.

• picture day

for such a small office like the law office i work at, i guess we don't need to hire a good photographer. my boss's wife was called to come to take our office team picture to be put on the website. YES, the wife! and the camera? it's mine. haha! that was fun tho.. all we did the rest of the afternoon was just goofing off.

yes, that's my new hair-do, how ya like it? ;)

• it's a mistake

i dunno how and when i'm going to learn not to do impulse things due to curiousity. yet i did it again. do i regret it? no. i don't regret things i do. i just thought i shoulda been wise enough to stop kidding w/ life.

guilt. guilt. guilt. i feel horrible. awful. nothing i can do to make me feel any better about myself.

• an idea

maybe, just maybe, we can start over from the very scratch. pretend we never dated before. have a new first date and many more. have fun together without giving it any label, such as: "relationship". without so-called "exclusiveness". just pure fun and loving friendship. go suuuuper slow from here to give ourselves time to heal the wound and move on from our pasts and yet, be there for each other. and if down the road our feelings get stronger, we'll figure out what we want to do next.

life is too short and we both were great together. why waste it?

I'll explain how and why i came to this 'idea' when we see each other next time. no pressure as to when. Do what you gotta do.. and..

gimme a call :o)
-tree house

-trias-
-los angeles-

I've always been different growing up. My being the 3rd (middle) child might have added to it too, maybe. You know the old saying about being the middle child often has the sense of not belonging, the feeling of invisibility, which makes them try harder to get the attention from the parents to make them stand out more than the first and last child. They (read: experts and/or old people) even have it called a 'middle child syndrome'. I don't know... But yea, I grew up trying my best to annoy my parents, well, in my defense, I don't think I did it consciously. Compared to my other siblings, I wasn't the most polite child (my oldest sister was), nor the cutest (my youngest sister), and not even the worst (my brother haha!). Well, maybe I'm the second worst, which wasn't anything I should be proud of.

I grew up thinking I could do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. The sky was (and is) my limit. I was a tomboy and a bad kid too (I skipped school a lot during my junior high and finally got caught by my dad and boy did I pay much for it). I always love boys too. I know how to get them just by talking to them. I was (hopefully still is) a Miss Personality. I dated a lot. From one boy to another. I was obnoxiously flirty. My mom had (still has) problems with this "habit" of mine for liking boys so much. I always love English language. I wanted to travel overseas and spoke the universal language to anyone and everyone. I grew up knowing that if I speak English, everyone in this world would understand what I say. Make sense, right? Then I also always wanted to work in an office. I wanted to be a career woman, an independent woman who can afford anything on her own. I wanted to be bigger than the biggest.

Which isn't normal in any Indonesian culture guidebook.

By standards, an Indonesian woman is expected to be a good wife. Period. Oh yes, she can work, she can drive a car, she can play basketball, but at the end of the day, she MUST learn how to and become a good wife. Hey, first off, I'm not saying it's bad, I think it's great that a woman can be a good wife, but COME ON!! We, women, can become much more than that. We can be something bigger than that. Again, it's great to be a good wife, but when it's expected by the society, I think it's ridiculously silly. Human is human, regardless of its gender. We, women, should be allowed to have the same choices and opportunities as men, in any part of the world. Unfortunately, not in my part of the world. So yea, I'm fucked.

Before you punch me in the face for saying so, let me say this.

I tried.
No. Not just tried. I did what was expected of me as an Indonesian woman. Yes yes, I was married and did my best to be a good wife. Actually, I was a great wife. I did my best living my life by Indonesian standards. I was happy, but I turned into a different person who lived under a shadow of the person I was with. Yet, in my head, there's always this big question mark: Now what? Why do I feel lost being in this "happy" marriage? So, when the marriage fell apart, aside from feeling like the biggest failure in the face of the earth, I also felt..... relieved. Not happy, but relieved. For a few who knew me from/before the day I failed my marriage should know how devastated I was . I was broken, pathetic, lost, and pushed to the weakest point of my life. I lived in my own lonely little pathetic world (celibacy was part of it too) for a good one year.

But then I snapped out of it. HUGE thanks to my family and few of my friends who stood by me, helping me going through the worse time of my life. Kar who bought me a TV soon as I moved in to my own studio apartment. Sus who forced me to go get a vibrator to get through the celibacy time. Mel who gave me this silly book, sort of a guide, on how to be a BAD girl. Before I knew it, there I was having a buck fuddy, OK, two. ^-^

I learned my lesson the day I failed my marriage. Following the standard of a society is a good thing, but doesn't necessarily make one happy. Since then, I learned to live my life by whatever makes me happy. Sound selfish? Yes and No. It is a simple way of a person who wants to be happy. It is also my choice to make everyday a good day. To have a great time during miserable time. To be half full instead of half empty. It's my choice to laugh and not cry. To let go of hate and stop worrying so much. I learn to know that nothing, I repeat, NOTHING is a big deal. Because it doesn't matter how big of a problem I have, there's always someone else out there with a bigger problem. That's, my friend, when I know the exact meaning of "count your blessings".

Fast forward: Entering the 4th year of divorce anniversary *grinning*. Here I am. Stronger than ever. Bad ass for life. ^o^
[Monday, April 21, 2008]

Her mom and siblings and niece and nephew, movies, movies, movies, hats, unicorns, to smile and laugh, her friends, a Vinci Code, Mashimaro, manggo, black shirts, Gym, vodka-holic, tom Welling, dark chocolatte cuz its bitter, Korean language, Retro necklaces, Jeong ji-hoon, iPhones, Venice Beach, Nordstrom rack, hot guys with british accents, web design, Ebay, blogging (duh)

Pretentiousness, running (be in on a treadmill or outside), humidity, her left thumb, hypocrites, dangdut, hung-over, white shirts, tight pants, sandwich and salads, cowboy hats, black coffee, slow wifi