stories of some bad ass girl

l blah l theGirl l rants l oldStuff l linkies l

Welcome to my blog.
If you have this url, you're prolly one of the chosen ones.

By reading my blog, you agree to:
Have fun reading it.
Comment only if you must.
Bear with my randomness.
Not be judgemental. Not towards me at least.

• day two

I would've never thought I'd say this.. "I'm GLAD the weekend is almost over". Seriously.
Weekend isn't so much fun without you around, that's why.

Quan was with me Friday. I asked her to come over, just to be with me. So at least I have someone to talk to. Then Saturday, all I did was doing my homework, til I got bored. I decided to bake a cake, and make a tiramisu cake with the Kahlua coffee. I kept myself busy alright. I did my best not to worry much about you. I keep wondering how you are and what you're doing. Constantly. You, are constantly in my mind. Then today, Kartini came over. She had asked me why your car was parked here. I quickly told her that you had to take an emergency trip to Uganda.. I couldn't bring myself to tell her the truth. I know her well enough, I just don't wanna hear her ignorance.

Luv.. how are you? How's everything there? I miss-miss-miss you. Looking at your watch, sunglasses, and your Marlboro pack makes me missing you even more. I hope you can sleep well tonight... pray, and be strong. I need you to be. And I need you to be fine. Good night, luv..

• day one.

Wanna hear sum funny, baby?
I went and did my errands; bank, groceries, and Petco, right.. and when I came back, as I was pulling in to the alley to park, my heart skipped a beat. Cuz your car was parked there. For a second there, I thought you had come over and waited for me inside.

I had to laugh at my silly thought.. :)

You know what that means, right?
Yes, it means.. I miss you.
Already, and every minute of it.

• first text

It's so fucken empty in here it has an eerie feeling! Miss you already :*

:-((

• easier said than done..

He came by, parked his car, asked me to drive him to the nearest Jack in the Box. Got his Ultimate Cheeseburger with small curly fries and small coke. He pulled out some money, put them in my dashboard drawer, and said jokingly, "Get yourself some lunch after this, babe. And go to Pink Taco w/ Quan or Kartini this weekend. Cuz obviously I can't be around to have dinner w/ you. Have fun, ok? I'll try and buy me a calling card inside, and I'll call you the soonest I can.. ok?"

"Can I visit you?"
No.

As we drove by the front of the building..
"Where should I park?"
No. Don't go in with me. Park here, so I can smoke.

I parked on a red zone right across. He got out, then gave me his car key, sunglasses, and watch. Once finished smoking, he gave me a hug, and a kiss.

You okay?
"Yah"
I'll call you soon as I can. Ok?
"Okay"
Alright, let me get inside.

He hugged me tight. Kissed my forehead. And crossed the street as I sat back in my car. I looked at his back through my rear-view mirror, and drove away..

That's when my tears started rolling and couldn't stop. I'm a mess. I swear.

• bittersweet..

You, as you rubbed your legs against mine to give me warmth, slowly and quietly "You're gonna miss this for the next couple weeks.."

I kissed him, and said "You'll miss me too?"

"Every day, babe. Every day.. "

• :(

This, is not the kind of feeling I like to feel. I would've never thought in my life I would feel something like this. But then again.. this is not about me. You, are I'm worried about. Ya, I'd be lying if I said I'm not worried..

Though I know this day would come, it still caught me off guard when you told me today. I had to pretend, I had to bite my lips, for your sake. So many things I want to do and say, but I know how hard it is and it has been for you already. I wouldn't dare to add my fear and worry to it..

I'm sorry you have to go through this, luv. I'm here for you, I'll pray for your strength and I sure will miss you.

• For you, during this difficult time,

May the light of your soul guide you
May the light of your soul bless the work you do with the secret love and warmth of your heart.
May you see in what you do the beauty of your own soul.
May the sacredness of your work bring healing, light and renewal to those who work with you and to those who see and receive your work.
May your work never weary you.
May it release within you wellsprings of refreshment, inspiration and excitement.
May you be present in what you do.
May you never become lost in the bland absences.
May the day never burden.
May dawn find you awake and alert, approaching your new day with dreams, possibilities and promises.
May evening find you gracious and fulfilled.
May you go into the night blessed, sheltered and protected.
May your soul calm, console and renew you.

~ John O'Donohue

I'm here for you, still smiling from the fun and laugh we share all this while. You should smile too. Why don't you wear the same smile you had the first time I met you? That was the cutest ya know. And I promise you, you will be okay. I will make sure of it. I love you.

• new do

• another thing to love about you.

Instead of kicking them away or being annoyed about it like any guys I've been with did, you would voluntarily and initially rub your legs against my cold-cold feet to give me warmth..

that alone, add a big point in my book.

• happy birthday america!

woodland hills park - july 4, 2011

-trias-
-los angeles-

I've always been different growing up. My being the 3rd (middle) child might have added to it too, maybe. You know the old saying about being the middle child often has the sense of not belonging, the feeling of invisibility, which makes them try harder to get the attention from the parents to make them stand out more than the first and last child. They (read: experts and/or old people) even have it called a 'middle child syndrome'. I don't know... But yea, I grew up trying my best to annoy my parents, well, in my defense, I don't think I did it consciously. Compared to my other siblings, I wasn't the most polite child (my oldest sister was), nor the cutest (my youngest sister), and not even the worst (my brother haha!). Well, maybe I'm the second worst, which wasn't anything I should be proud of.

I grew up thinking I could do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. The sky was (and is) my limit. I was a tomboy and a bad kid too (I skipped school a lot during my junior high and finally got caught by my dad and boy did I pay much for it). I always love boys too. I know how to get them just by talking to them. I was (hopefully still is) a Miss Personality. I dated a lot. From one boy to another. I was obnoxiously flirty. My mom had (still has) problems with this "habit" of mine for liking boys so much. I always love English language. I wanted to travel overseas and spoke the universal language to anyone and everyone. I grew up knowing that if I speak English, everyone in this world would understand what I say. Make sense, right? Then I also always wanted to work in an office. I wanted to be a career woman, an independent woman who can afford anything on her own. I wanted to be bigger than the biggest.

Which isn't normal in any Indonesian culture guidebook.

By standards, an Indonesian woman is expected to be a good wife. Period. Oh yes, she can work, she can drive a car, she can play basketball, but at the end of the day, she MUST learn how to and become a good wife. Hey, first off, I'm not saying it's bad, I think it's great that a woman can be a good wife, but COME ON!! We, women, can become much more than that. We can be something bigger than that. Again, it's great to be a good wife, but when it's expected by the society, I think it's ridiculously silly. Human is human, regardless of its gender. We, women, should be allowed to have the same choices and opportunities as men, in any part of the world. Unfortunately, not in my part of the world. So yea, I'm fucked.

Before you punch me in the face for saying so, let me say this.

I tried.
No. Not just tried. I did what was expected of me as an Indonesian woman. Yes yes, I was married and did my best to be a good wife. Actually, I was a great wife. I did my best living my life by Indonesian standards. I was happy, but I turned into a different person who lived under a shadow of the person I was with. Yet, in my head, there's always this big question mark: Now what? Why do I feel lost being in this "happy" marriage? So, when the marriage fell apart, aside from feeling like the biggest failure in the face of the earth, I also felt..... relieved. Not happy, but relieved. For a few who knew me from/before the day I failed my marriage should know how devastated I was . I was broken, pathetic, lost, and pushed to the weakest point of my life. I lived in my own lonely little pathetic world (celibacy was part of it too) for a good one year.

But then I snapped out of it. HUGE thanks to my family and few of my friends who stood by me, helping me going through the worse time of my life. Kar who bought me a TV soon as I moved in to my own studio apartment. Sus who forced me to go get a vibrator to get through the celibacy time. Mel who gave me this silly book, sort of a guide, on how to be a BAD girl. Before I knew it, there I was having a buck fuddy, OK, two. ^-^

I learned my lesson the day I failed my marriage. Following the standard of a society is a good thing, but doesn't necessarily make one happy. Since then, I learned to live my life by whatever makes me happy. Sound selfish? Yes and No. It is a simple way of a person who wants to be happy. It is also my choice to make everyday a good day. To have a great time during miserable time. To be half full instead of half empty. It's my choice to laugh and not cry. To let go of hate and stop worrying so much. I learn to know that nothing, I repeat, NOTHING is a big deal. Because it doesn't matter how big of a problem I have, there's always someone else out there with a bigger problem. That's, my friend, when I know the exact meaning of "count your blessings".

Fast forward: Entering the 4th year of divorce anniversary *grinning*. Here I am. Stronger than ever. Bad ass for life. ^o^
[Monday, April 21, 2008]

Her mom and siblings and niece and nephew, movies, movies, movies, hats, unicorns, to smile and laugh, her friends, a Vinci Code, Mashimaro, manggo, black shirts, Gym, vodka-holic, tom Welling, dark chocolatte cuz its bitter, Korean language, Retro necklaces, Jeong ji-hoon, iPhones, Venice Beach, Nordstrom rack, hot guys with british accents, web design, Ebay, blogging (duh)

Pretentiousness, running (be in on a treadmill or outside), humidity, her left thumb, hypocrites, dangdut, hung-over, white shirts, tight pants, sandwich and salads, cowboy hats, black coffee, slow wifi