stories of some bad ass girl

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Welcome to my blog.
If you have this url, you're prolly one of the chosen ones.

By reading my blog, you agree to:
Have fun reading it.
Comment only if you must.
Bear with my randomness.
Not be judgemental. Not towards me at least.

• me? immature? really? hmm..

I can be immature from time to time, and I tell people that, BUT it's different when someone told it to your face. You get the "ouch" feeling. Anyways, here's the chat. rather long, but I had to cut n paste everything cuz I dunno which part of the conversation that got him caught my immaturity.

Paul: t
Trias: p
Paul: how are you?
Trias: im good.. youuuu?
Paul: i am well (though perhaps not as well as your emoticon).
Paul: so what have you been up to?
Trias: ive been trias. ya know. partying, working, party some more.
Trias: same ol'd stuff
Trias: you?
Paul: same. less work. less partying. (its hard to keep up with you).
Trias: awww
Paul: no stories for me?
Trias: what story?
Paul: did you see "into the wild"?
Trias: no. isnt that animation movie?
Trias: or do i get that wrong?
Paul: its about a guy who travels to alaska
Paul: sean penn directs it
Paul: vince vaugh:
Paul: emile hirsch;
Paul: kristin stewart
Trias: oh i totally got it wrong
Paul: there could be 2 movies with the same title
Paul: have you seen any movies?
Trias: no
Paul: aww
Trias: but im going to see Harold and Kumar tonite
Trias: its a screening. so its first come first served. i hope i get in.
Paul: as long as you're willing to flirt a little i'm sure you'll get a seat
Paul: i thought that movie came out a while ago
Paul: i must be thinking of something else
Trias: oh this is the sequel
Trias: its not out til next week, i think.
Paul: did you see the first one?
Trias: yeth
Paul: you and the doctor weren't able to solve the speech impediment i see
Paul: thats ok. its cute
Trias: shanks
Trias: oh, hows the CL experience now? did you get to post a new ad?
Paul: no. i should.
Paul: i got 2 responses to the last one.
Trias: and?
Trias: any good progress?
Paul: 1. a black\mexican girl
Paul: 2. an asian woman who resides in shanghai
Trias: HAHAHA
Trias: ok sorry i shouldnt be laughing
Trias: so, whatd you do? you still talk to them?
Paul: i'm sensing some jealousy
Paul: alright. you can have the black\mexican.
Paul: the asian woman was very cryptic
Trias: really? do i really get to have the black/mexican?
Trias: thats berry nice of you
Paul: she wouldn't tell me her age, what she did, etc
Paul: it took about a week and a half to find out she lives in shanghai
Trias: oh, that means shes 62 and she doesnt work
Trias: or shes 12 and works at nike factory
Paul: in any event, it is difficult to respond to
Trias: does she speak english well?
Paul: kinda sorta
Paul: she doesn't have a lisp or anything
Paul: at least not when she types
Trias: i mean.. if it takes her a week to tell you she lives in shanghai, maybe cuz she doesnt kno how to say it
Trias: oh, she doesnt have a lisp. shes not fun then.
Paul: you think she was spending that time with her english-chinese dictionary trying to figure out how to break the news to me
Trias: yup. or maybe.
Paul: and the other one seems bright
Paul: she told me she was 38
Trias: ok. then what.
Paul: i give her high marks for honesty
Trias: but does she look like shes 38?
Paul: no pic
Trias: oh
Trias: thats not good
Paul: i think she has potential for someone other than me
Trias: oh that sucks :(
Paul: yeah, i didn't write her back
Paul: your emoticon looks like he is about to cry
Trias: yah he definitely is
Paul: and you?
Paul: and luck?
Trias: its still going
Trias: not my bf yet. but its getting there. (i think)
Paul: hockey boy?
Trias: nope
Trias: hockey boy is gone
Paul: islamic crazy guy?
Trias: huh? whos islamic crazy guy?
Paul: i don't know. you tell me.
Paul: so who is this mystery man?
Trias: his name is.. Awesome.
Trias: or at least thats how i see him.
Paul: oh great. i tell you every intimate detail of my relationships and you tell me awesome.
Trias: you did NOT tell me every intimate details
Paul: and some of that stuff with that asain woman was really personal
Trias: theres no intimate about a girl who lives in shanghai!
Trias: hahaha
Paul: well maybe not with me
Paul: but if she
Paul: is willing to reach out to la i'm sure she can rustle up some activity at home
Trias: now THAT is intimate
Paul: i like the effort. i think i'll write again
Paul: so his parents didn't bother to name him? or he can't speak?
Trias: so ok, do you know you're the 2nd guy asking me about him today?
Trias: today. im serious.
Paul: i'm not sure i really asked
Paul: i was just trying to fill time
Trias: ya you did
Trias: oh ok
Paul: i'm not sure he exists
Trias: OMG
Paul: he doesn't appear to have a name
Trias: so you think i made it up??
Trias: why? why would i make stuff up?
Paul: does he have a lisp
Trias: no. but he laughs everytime i said yeth.
Paul: is that good?
Trias: ya, its cute he said.
Trias: and he calls me dork afterwards.
Paul: alright. well, don't let me interrupt.
Trias: hahaha
Trias: you dont interrupt.
Paul: i think i just got a long distance email i need to respond to
Trias: hahaha
Trias: ok. tell shanghai i said hi
Paul: good luck with mister fictitious
Trias: he's NOT fictitious
Paul: good luck
Paul: i need the extra time to study my english-chinese dictionary
Trias: go ahead. dont let me interrupt
Paul: i won't
Trias: and good luck with miss i cant speak english well enough to tell you i live in shanghai
Paul: her english is flawless. it just takes awhile.
Trias: ya.. sure..
Paul: no lisp. nothing.
Trias: right..
Trias: does she even speak is the main question
Paul: plus, to be honest, i've sort of lost interest in our correspondence
Trias: really?
Paul: you can be fun, but there is some other stuff in there i'm not crazy about
Trias: like what
Paul: i'm not really into this honesty thing
Paul: not that i don't admire you for it
Trias: wait.. first you pretty much called me a liar. saying i made stuff up about this guy. now youre telling me im too honest?
Paul: i find that you can be funny but that your humor sometimes borders on condesention which i have little patience for
Trias: oh
Trias: ok
Trias: sorry?
Paul: i find your attitude again to be vaguely humorous but also immature
Trias: i am immature
Paul: i think the two go together
Trias: sorry. but thats just me.
Paul: yeah, but not necessarily in a good way
Trias: ok. i get that.
Paul: its ok even if you don't
Trias: oh no i get it. im immature. i never said im mature.
Trias: and i never said its good that im immature.
Trias: and thanks for telling me this.
Paul: yeah, and i don't get the sense you are growing up any time soon
Paul: which makes it tough
Trias: tough for whom? and for what?
Paul: primarily for you. but for me in trying to correspond with you.
Trias: sorry that my immaturity makes it tough for you.
Paul: well, i can just ignore you
Paul: you live with it
Trias: ya kno what, paul. NO. im not sorry. i am who i am.
Paul: ok
Trias: exactly. so if its tough for you. then ok. i guess we shouldnt talk anymore.
Trias: sorry if i ever offended you in any ways.
Paul: as you wish
Paul: you think about it. i'll keep practicing my hockey. and maybe we can meet halfway.
Trias: nah.. i'll pass. thanks tho.

****Just a reminder to myself that some people don't have enough sense of humor. OR some are just plain bitter just cuz I turned them down forever ago****

-trias-
-los angeles-

I've always been different growing up. My being the 3rd (middle) child might have added to it too, maybe. You know the old saying about being the middle child often has the sense of not belonging, the feeling of invisibility, which makes them try harder to get the attention from the parents to make them stand out more than the first and last child. They (read: experts and/or old people) even have it called a 'middle child syndrome'. I don't know... But yea, I grew up trying my best to annoy my parents, well, in my defense, I don't think I did it consciously. Compared to my other siblings, I wasn't the most polite child (my oldest sister was), nor the cutest (my youngest sister), and not even the worst (my brother haha!). Well, maybe I'm the second worst, which wasn't anything I should be proud of.

I grew up thinking I could do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. The sky was (and is) my limit. I was a tomboy and a bad kid too (I skipped school a lot during my junior high and finally got caught by my dad and boy did I pay much for it). I always love boys too. I know how to get them just by talking to them. I was (hopefully still is) a Miss Personality. I dated a lot. From one boy to another. I was obnoxiously flirty. My mom had (still has) problems with this "habit" of mine for liking boys so much. I always love English language. I wanted to travel overseas and spoke the universal language to anyone and everyone. I grew up knowing that if I speak English, everyone in this world would understand what I say. Make sense, right? Then I also always wanted to work in an office. I wanted to be a career woman, an independent woman who can afford anything on her own. I wanted to be bigger than the biggest.

Which isn't normal in any Indonesian culture guidebook.

By standards, an Indonesian woman is expected to be a good wife. Period. Oh yes, she can work, she can drive a car, she can play basketball, but at the end of the day, she MUST learn how to and become a good wife. Hey, first off, I'm not saying it's bad, I think it's great that a woman can be a good wife, but COME ON!! We, women, can become much more than that. We can be something bigger than that. Again, it's great to be a good wife, but when it's expected by the society, I think it's ridiculously silly. Human is human, regardless of its gender. We, women, should be allowed to have the same choices and opportunities as men, in any part of the world. Unfortunately, not in my part of the world. So yea, I'm fucked.

Before you punch me in the face for saying so, let me say this.

I tried.
No. Not just tried. I did what was expected of me as an Indonesian woman. Yes yes, I was married and did my best to be a good wife. Actually, I was a great wife. I did my best living my life by Indonesian standards. I was happy, but I turned into a different person who lived under a shadow of the person I was with. Yet, in my head, there's always this big question mark: Now what? Why do I feel lost being in this "happy" marriage? So, when the marriage fell apart, aside from feeling like the biggest failure in the face of the earth, I also felt..... relieved. Not happy, but relieved. For a few who knew me from/before the day I failed my marriage should know how devastated I was . I was broken, pathetic, lost, and pushed to the weakest point of my life. I lived in my own lonely little pathetic world (celibacy was part of it too) for a good one year.

But then I snapped out of it. HUGE thanks to my family and few of my friends who stood by me, helping me going through the worse time of my life. Kar who bought me a TV soon as I moved in to my own studio apartment. Sus who forced me to go get a vibrator to get through the celibacy time. Mel who gave me this silly book, sort of a guide, on how to be a BAD girl. Before I knew it, there I was having a buck fuddy, OK, two. ^-^

I learned my lesson the day I failed my marriage. Following the standard of a society is a good thing, but doesn't necessarily make one happy. Since then, I learned to live my life by whatever makes me happy. Sound selfish? Yes and No. It is a simple way of a person who wants to be happy. It is also my choice to make everyday a good day. To have a great time during miserable time. To be half full instead of half empty. It's my choice to laugh and not cry. To let go of hate and stop worrying so much. I learn to know that nothing, I repeat, NOTHING is a big deal. Because it doesn't matter how big of a problem I have, there's always someone else out there with a bigger problem. That's, my friend, when I know the exact meaning of "count your blessings".

Fast forward: Entering the 4th year of divorce anniversary *grinning*. Here I am. Stronger than ever. Bad ass for life. ^o^
[Monday, April 21, 2008]

Her mom and siblings and niece and nephew, movies, movies, movies, hats, unicorns, to smile and laugh, her friends, a Vinci Code, Mashimaro, manggo, black shirts, Gym, vodka-holic, tom Welling, dark chocolatte cuz its bitter, Korean language, Retro necklaces, Jeong ji-hoon, iPhones, Venice Beach, Nordstrom rack, hot guys with british accents, web design, Ebay, blogging (duh)

Pretentiousness, running (be in on a treadmill or outside), humidity, her left thumb, hypocrites, dangdut, hung-over, white shirts, tight pants, sandwich and salads, cowboy hats, black coffee, slow wifi