stories of some bad ass girl

l blah l theGirl l rants l oldStuff l linkies l

Welcome to my blog.
If you have this url, you're prolly one of the chosen ones.

By reading my blog, you agree to:
Have fun reading it.
Comment only if you must.
Bear with my randomness.
Not be judgemental. Not towards me at least.

• Writing and what not

I realized one thing just now. I have been so caught up with Facebook -writing silly notes on there every once in a while- then chatting on YM with Vokan and everyone else, that I barely have the time (or effort) to actually write on here. And I miss it. I miss writing on my own blog.

Though it seems that I never stopped writing on here, mostly quotes, but if I went back a little, I used to write every little thing that had happened to me, or things that came to my mind. I mean, that's the main purpose of having a blog, right? so that I could one day read it again to refresh my memory, ya.. thanks to the STMD I have. It stands for short term memory disorder, people. Duh :o)

I blame it on Facebook, btw.
Not the short term memory disorder.. but the lack of writing. Hehe.

Anyways. School. Yah, school started 3 weeks ago, and I love the class, despite the fact that it's overbearing to my old brain. Never did occur before that I had to read a chapter one-two-three-four times just to understand the lecture. I found myself reading chapter 3 alone for four-five times before I finally said "Ahh, now I get it..", which makes me feel happy and stupid at the same time. I mean.. why 5 times? why didnt I get it the first time? But then again, the professor did say to us, some can finish homework in five hours, some couldn't finish it even after ten hours. I am the latter, btw. hahaha.. Well, in my defense, I didn't really try to finish it in 10 straight hours. I took my break here and there.. hehehe..

Then, ok, Vokan. The dude is still so crazy about me. We talk every freakin day. There's not a day goes by without hearing/reading him telling me how much he loves me. Oh yea, I'm dealing with the most hopeless romantic here. Oh joy. The problems are there, still. But hey, problems are there to be resolved, right? So, we're working on it. One day at a time.

Family wise.. My little sister got engaged. She be getting married in October. I'm excited for her, and excited that I get to go visit my family again. My dad is doing well, however, lately he's been thinking of selling the house next door. The one that our grandparents left for him. He said, due to his health, he wanted to make sure he got us (children) covered. He wanted to start giving us his will :(. While it makes sense he wants to do it while he still can, but the thought of the word 'will' just doesn't make us feel any good at all. Everyone is against the idea, except Mom. We shall see what happens next.

And about work... Well, said this before and will say it again.. work is work. Eight hours a day then I'm done. The difference is now it's 8 hours a day 4 days a week instead of 5. I'm gonna see how long I can survive with this 20% salary cut. All I know, I've been pretty careful with my spending since my boss broke the news. I would hate to have to pay my credit card bill with the minimum amount. But you know.. one can only hope for the best. I hope this doesn't last forever.

Last but not least.. I got me a tax return of $2600 ish.
*doing the chicken dance*

-trias-
-los angeles-

I've always been different growing up. My being the 3rd (middle) child might have added to it too, maybe. You know the old saying about being the middle child often has the sense of not belonging, the feeling of invisibility, which makes them try harder to get the attention from the parents to make them stand out more than the first and last child. They (read: experts and/or old people) even have it called a 'middle child syndrome'. I don't know... But yea, I grew up trying my best to annoy my parents, well, in my defense, I don't think I did it consciously. Compared to my other siblings, I wasn't the most polite child (my oldest sister was), nor the cutest (my youngest sister), and not even the worst (my brother haha!). Well, maybe I'm the second worst, which wasn't anything I should be proud of.

I grew up thinking I could do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. The sky was (and is) my limit. I was a tomboy and a bad kid too (I skipped school a lot during my junior high and finally got caught by my dad and boy did I pay much for it). I always love boys too. I know how to get them just by talking to them. I was (hopefully still is) a Miss Personality. I dated a lot. From one boy to another. I was obnoxiously flirty. My mom had (still has) problems with this "habit" of mine for liking boys so much. I always love English language. I wanted to travel overseas and spoke the universal language to anyone and everyone. I grew up knowing that if I speak English, everyone in this world would understand what I say. Make sense, right? Then I also always wanted to work in an office. I wanted to be a career woman, an independent woman who can afford anything on her own. I wanted to be bigger than the biggest.

Which isn't normal in any Indonesian culture guidebook.

By standards, an Indonesian woman is expected to be a good wife. Period. Oh yes, she can work, she can drive a car, she can play basketball, but at the end of the day, she MUST learn how to and become a good wife. Hey, first off, I'm not saying it's bad, I think it's great that a woman can be a good wife, but COME ON!! We, women, can become much more than that. We can be something bigger than that. Again, it's great to be a good wife, but when it's expected by the society, I think it's ridiculously silly. Human is human, regardless of its gender. We, women, should be allowed to have the same choices and opportunities as men, in any part of the world. Unfortunately, not in my part of the world. So yea, I'm fucked.

Before you punch me in the face for saying so, let me say this.

I tried.
No. Not just tried. I did what was expected of me as an Indonesian woman. Yes yes, I was married and did my best to be a good wife. Actually, I was a great wife. I did my best living my life by Indonesian standards. I was happy, but I turned into a different person who lived under a shadow of the person I was with. Yet, in my head, there's always this big question mark: Now what? Why do I feel lost being in this "happy" marriage? So, when the marriage fell apart, aside from feeling like the biggest failure in the face of the earth, I also felt..... relieved. Not happy, but relieved. For a few who knew me from/before the day I failed my marriage should know how devastated I was . I was broken, pathetic, lost, and pushed to the weakest point of my life. I lived in my own lonely little pathetic world (celibacy was part of it too) for a good one year.

But then I snapped out of it. HUGE thanks to my family and few of my friends who stood by me, helping me going through the worse time of my life. Kar who bought me a TV soon as I moved in to my own studio apartment. Sus who forced me to go get a vibrator to get through the celibacy time. Mel who gave me this silly book, sort of a guide, on how to be a BAD girl. Before I knew it, there I was having a buck fuddy, OK, two. ^-^

I learned my lesson the day I failed my marriage. Following the standard of a society is a good thing, but doesn't necessarily make one happy. Since then, I learned to live my life by whatever makes me happy. Sound selfish? Yes and No. It is a simple way of a person who wants to be happy. It is also my choice to make everyday a good day. To have a great time during miserable time. To be half full instead of half empty. It's my choice to laugh and not cry. To let go of hate and stop worrying so much. I learn to know that nothing, I repeat, NOTHING is a big deal. Because it doesn't matter how big of a problem I have, there's always someone else out there with a bigger problem. That's, my friend, when I know the exact meaning of "count your blessings".

Fast forward: Entering the 4th year of divorce anniversary *grinning*. Here I am. Stronger than ever. Bad ass for life. ^o^
[Monday, April 21, 2008]

Her mom and siblings and niece and nephew, movies, movies, movies, hats, unicorns, to smile and laugh, her friends, a Vinci Code, Mashimaro, manggo, black shirts, Gym, vodka-holic, tom Welling, dark chocolatte cuz its bitter, Korean language, Retro necklaces, Jeong ji-hoon, iPhones, Venice Beach, Nordstrom rack, hot guys with british accents, web design, Ebay, blogging (duh)

Pretentiousness, running (be in on a treadmill or outside), humidity, her left thumb, hypocrites, dangdut, hung-over, white shirts, tight pants, sandwich and salads, cowboy hats, black coffee, slow wifi